You knew it had to happen. After #LasVegas and Sutherland Springs, the usual suspects have introduced legislation to ban what they pant-shittingly (yes, I just made that up – don’t judge) refer to as “assault” weapons.

Frankly, I’m surprised it took them this long.

The “Assault Weapons Ban of 2017” introduced by none other than Dianne Feinstein (D-ouchebag, CA) and joined by the usual band of tyrannical swine, Richard Blumenthal (D-ickhead, CT), Chris Murphy (D-imwit, CT), Chuck Schumer (D-ildo, NY), Dick Durbin (D-ipshit, IL), Patty Murray (D-ullwitted, WA), Jack Reed (D-ense, RI), Tom Carper (D-ingbat, DE), Robert Menendez (D-erelict, NJ), Sheldon Whitehouse (D-ishonest, RI), Ben Cardin (D-erpy, MD), Amy Klobuchar (D-umberthanaboxofhammers, MN), Kirsten Gillibrand (D-uplicitous, NY), Al Franken (D-eranged, MN), Brian Schatz (D-readful, HI), Mazie Hirono (D-unce, HI), Elizabeth Warren (D-egenerate, MA), Ed Markey (D-isgraceful, MA), Cory Booker (D-ope, NJ), Kamala Harris (D-espicable, CA), Chris Van Hollen (D-emented, MD), Tammy Duckworth (D-aft, IL) and Bob Casey (D-unce, PA) seeks to:

• Ban the sale, manufacture, transfer and importation of 205 military-style assault weapons by name. Owners may keep existing weapons.

• Ban any assault weapon that accepts a detachable ammunition magazine and has one or more military characteristics including a pistol grip, a forward grip, a barrel shroud, a threaded barrel or a folding or telescoping stock. Owners may keep existing weapons.

• Ban magazines and other ammunition feeding devices that hold more than 10 rounds of ammunition, which allow shooters to quickly fire many rounds without needing to reload. Owners may keep existing magazines.

And, of course, it opportunistically cites the “history” of mass shootings in the United States, and disingenuously tries to link an alleged “uptick” in massacres to “assault” weapons.

FACT: A decade long study at Texas State University covering 84 mass public shootings between 2000 and 2010 found pistols were used 60 percent of the time, while rifles were used 27 percent of the time. And even then, the study found this covers all types of rifles, and since Feinstein consistently refers to any type of firearm that makes her soil her Depends as an “assault” rifle, we have to take her derpage with a pillar of salt. (Thank you once again to the inimitable Gun Facts site that has provided so much great information debunking the hysterical claims of gun grabbers over the years.)

FACT: We did not start to see an uptick in mass shootings 30 years ago, as Feinstein claims. As a matter of fact, the trend has been pretty flat, inching upwards slightly, with an uptick the last few years.

FACT: Mass public shooting deaths make up less than one percent of all gun homicides. Just remember, Chicago in 2016 had a staggering 27.9 homicide rate per 100,000 residents, with 762 homicides with more than 3,000 shooting incidents.

FACT: On a per-population basis, the United States ranked fourth behind three European countries in mass shooting incidents between 2000 and 2014.

FACT: The last “assault” weapons ban did exactly jack and shit to stop crimes. In the first seven years since the first ridiculous ban was lifted, murders declined by 43 percent, violent crime by 43 percent, rapes by 27 percent, and robberies by 49 percent, according to FBI’s Uniform Crime Statistics between 1995 and 2012.

The ridiculous ban didn’t stop the Frontier Middle School shooting in 1996, or the hostage situation in Honolulu that same year.

It didn’t prevent the Bethel High School shooting or the shootings at the Empire State Building, Heath High School, or Pearl High School in 1997.

It didn’t stop Kip Kinkel from shooting up Thurston High School in 1998, nor did it stop Asian gangs from murdering five diners at a cafe in Tacoma Washington the following year.

You know what else it didn’t stop? It didn’t stop the psychotic Russell Weston from murdering two United States Capitol Police officers in 1998.

It didn’t stop Columbine, it didn’t stop the Jewish Community Center shooting in Los Angeles, it didn’t stop the Xerox murders in Hawaii, it didn’t stop Lex Street, or Wakefield, or Wendy’s in New York, or  Santana High School, or the shooting at the Los Angeles International Airport, or the Appalachian School of Law, or the Lockheed Martin shooting in 2003.

But you know what it would have probably stopped? It probably would have stopped a teenager from protecting his sister from home invaders with an AR-15. It would have stopped a Philadelphia couple from preventing a home invasion with their legally-purchased .223 caliber rifle. It would have stopped a security guard from defending a tax preparation business from armed robbers. It likely would have prevented a Rochester Institute of Technology from preventing an armed robbery at his home without ever firing a shot.

And it would have prevented Stephen Willeford from using the very rifle Swinestein and her band of reactionary, opportunistic tyrants want to ban from engaging Devin Kelley and likely stopping more murders in Sutherland Springs.

By the way, the weapon most often used in so-called “mass shootings” (the definition really depends on who is flogging the statistic) between 1982 and 2017 is a semi-automatic handgun – not a scary, black rifle that holds more than 10 rounds in a magazine.

Feinstein acknowledges that the bill likely won’t pass, nor will it actually stop mass murders of any type. And yet, in the same breath, in a stunning display of contradictory thinking, she claims it magically will. Because, you see, the old bill was just starting to show its efficacy when it sunset in 2004. Sure it did. With George Davis opening fire on a group of people, killing one man and injured six others outside a bar in downtown Ennis, Montana, and then engaging police officers in a high-speed chase and shootout. With a handgun. With Douglas Williams shooting 14 of his Lockheed Martin coworkers with a Ruger mini-14, and Chai Vang using an SKS to shoot eight people while hunting in Wisconsin. SO totes effective!

Shut up, Feinstein!

“We’re introducing an updated Assault Weapons Ban for one reason: so that after every mass shooting with a military-style assault weapon, the American people will know that a tool to reduce these massacres is sitting in the Senate, ready for debate and a vote.

“This bill won’t stop every mass shooting, but it will begin removing these weapons of war from our streets. The first Assault Weapons Ban was just starting to show an effect when the NRA stymied its reauthorization in 2004. Yes, it will be a long process to reduce the massive supply of these assault weapons in our country, but we’ve got to start somewhere.

As you can see, the renewed ban isn’t really about safety. It isn’t about reducing murders – mass or otherwise. And it isn’t about saving lives. It’s about relieving us of our rights, and making us vulnerable to armed predators and government tyranny. It’s about forcing Americans to rely on inefficient and ineffective government bureaucracies to defend them against violent thugs. It’s about making us less independent and self-reliant. And it’s about ensuring they retain their own power, because they DID SOMETHING in the wake of these tragedies.

It ain’t gonna fly.

You want our rifles, slag? Molon Labe.