Hillary Clinton: How to Lose 2020

Hillary Clinton: How to Lose 2020

Hillary Clinton: How to Lose 2020

From the files of “We Seriously Did Not Make This Up” comes Hillary Clinton. The former 2016 presidential hopeful came out of the woodwork long enough to offer some advice to her fellow Democratic hopefuls.

In reality, any advice from Hillary would be categorized under the tab of “how to lose” 2020. Bernie Sanders wanted nothing to do with her. Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, met with Clinton:

The former “What Difference Does it Make” Secretary of State spoke at George Washington University and cautioned her fellow Democratic hopefuls on the ills of the election process here in The United States. Because, her loss was not her loss to own. It was, indeed her turn. The fact that she was a crappy candidate from the get-go was not on her. It was all because of a corrupt system and the Republicans, of course:

We are witnessing a deliberate and ongoing effort to undermine the integrity of our elections and silence millions of Americans … particularly women, the elderly and people of color.

It’s no accident. It’s in service to their larger goals of obtaining and keeping power.

You can run the best campaign and have the best plans and get the nomination and win the popular vote and you can lose the Electoral College and therefore the election.”-Hillary Clinton

Oh, really?

According to Hillary Clinton, she ran her best campaign. Clinton’s loss had nothing to do with her completely ignoring blue state, Wisconsin. Her loss had absolutely nothing to do with her greasy, dirty, perverted husband and the fact that she was grossly incompetent in the department of basic IT security. Her loss was not even remotely tied to the sheer unscrupulous dealings of The Clinton Foundation. Her 2016 loss had nothing to do with the callous negligence of an international incident that could have been avoided on her watch as Secretary of State. “Nothing to see here”, she says. “Time to move on“. What can we attribute Clinton’s 2016 loss to?

Hands down, voter suppression.

In fact, Hillary Clinton ran a stellar campaign, complete with star-studded twits like Katy Perry stumping for her, fake accents and random coughing fits! She even gave her supporters a feeling of suspense when she disappeared for weeks on end. And, how could we have resisted the cute little old lady act when she feigned ignorance on what it meant to wipe a server. How the whole country did not see the charisma and appeal of Hillary Rodham Clinton, the first Democratic female presidential hopeful, is completely lost on me, I’ll tell you.

But, Democratic candidates, if you want to have a campaign as brilliant as Hillary Clinton’s in 2016, there are some absolute musts. Ready for how to lose-ummm-win-2020? First, make sure you become a favorite of the media so they can softball you interview questions before you go live. Take a bottle of hot sauce wherever you may go. Put that sh*t on everything, it helps with the accent when you are campaigning in the south. Get really good at your barking dog impersonations. Perfect your crazy-eyes. Call people who do not have any desire to vote for you, even though they are fellow Americans, “deplorable”-that works like a charm. Oh, and don’t forget to yell at your supporters about “not being 50 points ahead“. That will sure win them over!

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6 Comments
  • MortMain says:

    She needs a cover after blowing $1 billion on a losing campaign.

  • Bandit says:

    Warren already is kinda like Mrs. Clinton only without the charm

  • Steve S says:

    Heckuva voter suppression effort when the nation had 7-million more voters turn out in 2016 than did in 2012.

    To paraphrase our deal Hillary:

    You can have the best team. You can have the best game plan. You can be in the playoffs. You can have the most yardage. And you can lose the game and therefore the championship for these 4 reasons. Number One: you were kept away from the goal line.

  • Steve S says:

    Heckuva voter suppression effort when the nation had 7-million more voters turn out in 2016 than did in 2012.

    To paraphrase our dear Hillary:

    You can have the best team. You can have the best game plan. You can be in the playoffs. You can have the most yardage. And you can lose the game and therefore the championship for these 4 reasons. Number One: you were kept away from the goal line.

    Yep. Those were not new rules that you were working under. Too bad you didn’t bother to learn them.

  • Subotai Bahadur says:

    You do realize that the Left will not accept losing the election no matter how many fewer votes they get, and will resort to violence reflexively. Be ready for anything.

    Subotai Bahadur

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