Did you know last year the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy decided to name November 12th “Thanks, Birth Control” day? Yeah, neither did I – mostly because I don’t go out of my way to express gratitude to inanimate objects. However, here we are. November 13, 2014 – the day after what Cecile Richards deemed “Birth Control Day”.

The Planned Parenthood President must have been sitting, dreaming up ways to celebrate this day. After all, she did have a nifty shirt made, and Planned Parenthood teamed with Bedsider.org to launch a Twitter campaign with the hashtag #ThxBirthControl. They made an obnoxious video, encouraging a sing along. I’m a mom. I like sing alongs. Let’s have a sing along – with commentary.

So, thank you birth control! You got me through college so I could land a kick-ass job.

It has been awhile since I was in college, yes, but its funny. I don’t remember Birth Control sitting up with me late at night helping me to write my papers or preparing me for big exams. I guess my birth control was just a dud. It didn’t even help me study – let alone get me through college.

So, thank you birth control! You let me stay out all night and sleep until 2 p.m.

Once again, I must have been mistaken about the purpose of my birth control. I thought it was all the Monsters I was drinking in my younger years that helped me stay up all night and then crash until 2 p.m. Oh, wait. Even in my pre-kid years, I still had responsibilities that didn’t let me stay up all night and sleep incredibly late. Did birth control not only get her through college but also pay her bills?

“Has birth control ever done something for you?” Yes, thank you birth control! Now I’m married to Dave and not to just some creep.

On top of everything else, her birth control is an exclusive dating service?!

There was a time back when I was young when I thought that I would miss all the fun. Now, I have a child and I watch him grow. Now, I’ve got a job. I’m a CEO of a Fortune 500 company with an earnings per share increase of 11% over the last three years.

You sound like you are very proud of your job, but did you make that happen? Or, did birth control build that for you?

And, finally, my favorite snippet of lyrics from this charming song:

So, let’s say thanks, a big high five, for the reason that we’re here. Birth control, you’re on a roll.

I don’t want to point out the obvious, but isn’t birth control’s purpose to make sure we don’t come into existence – therefore making sure we aren’t “here”?

There. Wasn’t that sing along with commentary fun?

The whole campaign is completely ludicrous. The same women who refuse to acknowledge that a man might have helped them to achieve their goals and dreams wholeheartedly claim that an object or prescription medicine are the “reason that we’re here”. These women deny that a “fetus” is a human being, but they give human qualities and characteristics to an inanimate, faceless, soulless drug. These feminazi robots attribute all of their successes, experiences, and adventures to whatever form of birth control they used.

Do I have a problem with birth control? No. I have a problem with hypocritical harpies singing and launching campaigns minimizing the hard work that I, and millions of other women, have done. Birth control isn’t responsible for my successes or my failures. I am.

Respectfully,

A product of birth control failure