The holidays. A time to get together with family and friends. A time to share stories and laughter with loved ones near and far, to watch little ones bask in the wonder of twinkling lights, Santa Claus and his sleigh and to watch kiddos leave out cookies for the jolly ol’ guy in the red suit in anticipation of Christmas morning. For some of us, it’s a celebration of a very important birth and we reflect with gratitude on the past year and push onto the next. For my family, we usually cram about 35 family members into one house on Christmas Eve for a white elephant gift exchange, more food than we can handle and conversations that usually involve everyone talking and laughing over one another in happy chaos. For others, it may involve Great Grandma’s apple pie or Aunt Bertha talking about her indigestion.

Enter the socially “correct” Harvard student in your life who takes him or herself very seriously. The life of the party. Glad I mentioned indigestion, huh? According to Campus Reform, The Office for Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion at Harvard University came up with a “cute” idea for any holiday gathering in the form of placemats with talking points rivaling those on Barack Obama’s teleprompter. I’m not kidding. I really wish I were…but I am not:

The placemat is divided into four quadrants addressing “Student Activism at Yale”, “Black Murders in the Street,” the “House Master Title,” and “Islamophobia/Refugees” and attempts to give students a framework for responses. For example, under the title, “Black Murders in the Street”, students are advised to prepare for this question: “Why didn’t they just listen to the officer? If they had just obeyed the law this wouldn’t have happened.” The response? Take a look:

“Do you think the response would be the same if it was a white person being pulled over? In many incidents that result in the death of a black body in the street, these victims are not breaking the law and are unarmed.”

What about the answer to the question of why the name “housemaster” was changed:

“For some, the term master, used to describe stewardship of a group of people (such as a house), is reminiscent of slave masters and the legacy of slavery. The title, ‘House Master,’ is no longer actively associated with its historical antecedents nor is it used to address House Masters. Given the name is offensive to groups of people, it doesn’t seem onerous to change it. The mastery of a subject is an understandable use of the word. However, within our cultural and historical context, implying mastery of people feels both inappropriate and ill-founded.”

Want to start a conversation about white privilege and racial inequality on college campuses? Watch out and be prepared to be hit with these fighting words:

“When I hear students expressing their experiences of racism on campus I don’t hear complaining. Instead I hear young people uplifting a situation that I may not experience. If non-Black students get the privilege of that safe environment, I believe that same privilege should be given to all students.”

The placemat also addresses Islamophobia, which was spelled incorrectly as “Islamaphobia”. You know, I knew a Columbia grad who confused “their” and “there” in an e-mail once. It’s Ivy League, after all, we can’t expect them to get everything correct, right?! Especially when they’re too busy being uber-PC, social justice “warriors”! The response to “Islama-oops-Islamophobia”:

“The U.S. has been accepting refugees from the war-torn areas around the world for decades. Remember the wars in Central America? They were extremely violent, and the U.S. accepted refugees from all sides of the wars with very strict vetting and not one incident of violence. Racial justice includes welcoming Syrian refugees.”

The Harvard Republican Club took issue with the placemats, creating their own parody placemat for distribution:

Two Harvard deans have since apologized to community members for the placemats distributed by The Office for Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion:

“We write to acknowledge that the placemat distributed in some of your dining halls this week failed to account for the many viewpoints that exist on our campus on some of the most complex issues we confront as a community and society today.”

The students probably could have used some spoons and bibs with their little placemats. An apology may have been issued but the damage is already done.There are increasing numbers of college students who feel the need to follow the script given to them by their highly-regarded professors rather than think for themselves. What’s next? An album of politically-correct holiday tunes? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had to go to a very safe place because all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Higher-deity rest you merry gentlemen, gentlewomen and whatever gentle gender you identify as today. I’m dreaming of a racially-equal holiday of the Christian denomination. We wish you an “Islamophobic”-free holiday of the People who Celebrate Jesus. What Child is This (Did Mama Have a Choice with this Unplanned Pregnancy)? Have yourself a merry little day that is all-inclusive. I can’t. I just can’t. Can someone pass the Christmas ham and the TUMS, STAT?