AMERICAN GOMORRAH™— Spatchcock Edition

AMERICAN GOMORRAH™— Spatchcock Edition

Let’s clean up a self-inflicted mess from last week: Emantic Bradford, Jr.

(Emantic Bradford Sr./AP)

Police Officers in the Riverchase Mall Shooting were awarded the Policemen of Valor™ citation, before the full facts were in. Alas, the story devolved into fatal failure, Hoover police killing an armed bystander but not the perp terrorizing the mall who is still at large. Thereby creating, by necessity, the Blue Panic Campaign Ribbon™.

Get it right, officers. Yes, you only have mere seconds to make a life and death decision, but don’t squeeze off on the first black man you see. Turns out Emantic is an armed vet. We love those guys.

Cold calculation, not panic, is part of the responsibility you shoulder when you wear the badge and carry the gun. See the character Jameson “Jamie” Reagan on Blue Bloods for an example.

By the way, that Mall Video better not disappear. No Excuses. An armed citizenry is law enforcement’s best ally. Without us armed citizens—call it an Armed Yeomanry—local law enforcement becomes the Stasi, the Gestapo, or the KGB. Hoover, PD: Victory Girls are watching you.

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On much less consequential matters, in case you didn’t catch it, or dispatch it: Murphy Brown’s been Spatchcocked herself. Yep, sitcom cancelled despite mighty efforts at expanding our appreciation for BDSM-Spatchula-Wielding Harridans, in a scene that pretty well ended it all.  Turns out, many of us have done a good bit of spatchcocking over the years, as Martha Stewart explains in that show stopper, How to Cut up a Whole Chicken. Correctly using the aptly named “Spatchcocking.”

Bitch-slapping this Spatchula Fetish further than humanly possible, there is, in fact, a derivative of the word “Spatchcock.”

Meet Spitchcock.

Which means to split and grill an eel.

Readers are welcome to nominate various slime-balls for Spitchcocking. How about Matt Lauer, for starters?

Gosh, what would we do without People Magazine bringing our curious minds into the homes of those Worthies who wouldn’t waste their spit on the likes of us?

Poor Matt Lauer, now under house arrest, is trying to make the hoi polloi sorry for him: “not planning a comeback,” but concentrating on his kids, and huddled in his manse along with his estranged trophy wife Annette Roque (who clearly can’t be too rich or too thin). The two lovebirds have been hard at work on their divorce for the last year. It’s a big compound. It’s a complicated divorce. It’s the Hamptons.

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And if that ex-NBC EEL/HEEL isn’t a Spitchcock candidate, no one is.

But the whole weeks’ news was overshadowed by the unfortunate events in a UK public restroom when Rose McGowan’s “gender fluid” hunny was maced when mistaken for a man. Maybe xe lassie lad accidentally flashed the goods, who knows; it’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Not to mention a Cinderella-inspired ballgown. Paladin awards Xe Rain Dove our Catamite of the Week™ :

Rain Dove (Photo Credit: Rabbani and Solimene Photography/Getty Images for Parsons School of Design/The New School )

There are things that simply can’t be unseen.

Blowing that image into the Dustbin of Fact™, it’s way past time to explain to Victory Girls readers the Paladin’s “Pallyprose.” For an ongoing EZ Glossary, our first two entries:

  • Lickspittle Media: originally coined for the servile Obama/Hillary Press Corpse…

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…who asks those hard questions of Madame Mao Meow between Chardonnays:

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The Lickspittle Media also includes various JournoList (s). They stagger about like Zombies, assaulting brave survivors of the apocalypse. That intern is just lucky Li’l Jimmy didn’t eat her face.

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  • Prog Borg: short for “Progressive Borg.” One of the top Borgers is Nina Burleigh, who offered to service the FirstCock if he kept abortion safe, and legal. Way to go, Nina; you’re an excellent drone and the perfect Prog Borg:

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Photo Credit: Photo Credit Eric Freeland

In the Whine World of Sports™: who would have guessed the NFL is struggling to fill stadia Empty Seats? Could it be because of this mature display of peeing like a dog? I mean, who doesn’t want to bring the kids to see that? Hoi Polloi, you’re so bourgeois. You simply don’t understand the edgy Performance Art involved by these daring players.

And finally, a little red meat with your gristle: Walter Russell Mead on Fracking.

Fossil Fuels, our Foundation to Prosperity: Embrace the Future.



Paladin is an Entertainment/IP Warfare Rōnin and self-identifies as a Y-chromosome Victory Girl.
Feature Image Credit: Rabbani and Solimene Photography/Getty Images for Parsons School of Design/The New School


  • George V says:

    Why? Why? Why…. did you have to use that picture? Which picture? You know of the one I speak.

    • Paladin says:

      Alas, we look at the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. Hence the title of this column. Promise however that the Christmas Edition will be seeped in Redemption, Grace, Beauty, Mercy, Hope and Plum Pudding.

    • Jim says:

      Yes! I don’t know which is worse, the one of pretty-boy Manning from a couple of months ago or the thumper in a bikini. Urrrrk!

  • rbj says:

    That’s just wrong. The lead in picture, that is.

  • Kathy says:

    Ignoring the photos for the moment…

    Every concealed class that I have had stated that if we still had a firearm in hand when the police arrive, expect to be shot. It didn’t matter male, female, whatever color, if still holding a firearm police would likely shoot. And now people act like it is a surprise and due to the guy’s skin color?

    • Paladin says:

      Sensible training, but what does it say about Law Enforcement? Shoot first and let God sort it out. I’m good in War Zones with that. Not Malls. The other side of the coin is Police Officers cowering outside schools behind cars when there’s trouble inside. Apparently no happy medium. We live in a world of extremes.

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