Things that Make Me Embarrassed to Have a Vagina

Things that Make Me Embarrassed to Have a Vagina

Things that Make Me Embarrassed to Have a Vagina

When I was a teenager, my girlfriends and I spoke about “that time of the month” in hushed tones. It was embarrassing to even mention “that time of the month,” let alone have a boy (GASP!) find out that was happening! You’d never get a date to the prom if boys knew you had a (GASP!) period!

Now that I have a few stubborn grey hairs and have lived on this planet a little, “that time of the month” is just a fact of life. It’s what happens if you’re a woman, and I realized a long time ago that sending your husband to the store for feminine hygiene products is not a big deal, unless he comes back with the wrong product that looks like a package of diapers with flowers on it.

I’m not embarrassed to be a woman. I’m proud to be a woman – not because of my plumbing, but because of what I have achieved in life. I didn’t achieve it because of handouts or special protections that allowed me to advance because I happen not to sport a pair of testicles in my pants. I achieved it because I had the intestinal fortitude to improve, to learn, to demand perfection from myself and from those who worked for me, and the skills I developed over time.

So no, I’m not embarrassed to be a woman.

There are, however, things that make me embarrassed to have a vagina. Ashamed. Facepalmingly appalled that I share femaleness with the likes of this:

Thousands of women gather in Las Vegas wearing “pussy” hats simulating female genitalia and expect to be taken seriously. NOPE! That’s a truck full of NOPE spilling on the highway!

And this:

Because who WOULDN’T be proud of a vagina with teeth! Might want to get a doctor to look at it, sweetie!

Musical interlude (to the tune of Hakuna Matata from the Lion King)

Vagina dentata, it’s a wonderful phrase;

Vagina dentata, it’s no passing craze

It means soprano for the rest of your days!

— courtesy of a friend.

This also makes me hide my face in shame at being an XX:

Ironically, this lunatic doesn’t understand the function of a uterine wall to which a fertilized ovum attaches when it becomes an embryo – you know… that very same embryo these hags are marching for the right to kill.

And this creature who expects us to take it seriously, while it waxes sarcastic about a Congressman screwing its uterus, demonstrating its lack of actual knowledge about how sexual intercourse works.

No, your period is not scary. No one cares, Cupcake. Plug it up and move on.

And this latest embarrassment from the social justice fuckwits in Virginia’s legislature, demanding “menstrual equality.” No, this is not the Onion.

When a City of Alexandria woman was booked into the Fairfax County jail, she wasn’t wearing white underwear, the only color allowed. It’s not like she packed a bag, and she didn’t know that she would be arrested on a shoplifting charge. So when the deputies confiscated her underwear she started worrying about what would happen when she started menstruating.

She didn’t know she would be arrested, otherwise she would have brought a pad or something. But you know, when the need to steal from others strikes, one just never knows when, Virginia taxpayers just need to ensure only the best pads are available! #thieflivesmatter

Because equality, or something.

“They give you these pads after they have not given you any underwear, so there’s really no place to hold the pads,” she said. “If you start a menstrual cycle while you are in there with no underwear, they don’t give you anything to protect yourself.”

While she was behind bars in 2015, inmates were limited to two pads a day. She says they were the cheapest kind available, which means they were very thin and more than two were often needed. She said she heard some of the other inmates begging for more pads, but the deputies would not provide them.

Here’s a radical idea. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.


I know. It’s an amazing concept. I was floored myself when I came up with it, but there it is. Ruminate on that option for a sec, OK?


Moving on.

So Criminal Cupcake had Teh Sadz™ because the pads provided by the jail facilities weren’t to her liking, and inmates had to pay extra for tampons. This didn’t sit well with Del. Kaye Kory (D-umbshit, 38), so she is going to remedy that by requiring jails and prisons to provide feminine hygiene products on demand.

Meanwhile, another Virginia legislator, Del. Jennifer Boysko (D-oofus, 86) has two bills that work toward menstrual equity. I repeat: menstrual equity.

One would add feminine hygiene products to the list of products that are exempted from sales tax during the annual back-to-school tax holiday. The other bill would eliminate the sales tax for these products altogether.

I think this is the only time we will ever see a Democrat advocate for the repeal of taxes, so revel in that. But to Jennifer, it’s about DISCRIMINASHUN! I’m pretty sure if she could advocate for a bill to force men to pay for women’s feminine hygiene products, she would, but to her, this is the next best thing.

“A woman doesn’t have a choice whether or not she wants to buy menstrual products,” said Boysko. “And because she’s taxed on it that’s unfair and it’s discrimination and so it’s a parity issue and a fairness issue.”

Ummmmm. Actually women do have a choice about whether or not they “want to buy menstrual products.” If you have doubts about that, I urge you to search out the phrase “free bleeding” on the Interwebz. No, I’m not doing it for you, nor am I posting any pictures telling you what it is. My point is, the choice is there.

Now, if we’re going to eliminate taxes on feminine hygiene products for girls, because apparently they don’t have a choice about whether to purchase them or not, shouldn’t we eliminate taxes on socks for boys who have no choice during puberty but to use their “happy socks” for involuntary… um… emissions? After all, it’s only fair!

Men have to purchase a lot of other stuff too – food, clothing, shelter, etc., and those things are taxed. Not like there’s a choice, right? You either buy food, or you starve. You either buy clothing, or you go outside nekkid, and trust me you WILL get arrested for that, and then you’ll wind up in jail with no tampons, and we’re back to square one!

The claim that a tax on feminine hygiene products is somehow discriminatory is a large pile of bovine excrement. Fact is, most states charge taxes on a whole host of goods considered necessary for dignity.

“We tax toilet paper. We tax soap. We tax most things. I don’t think this is a plot to burden women,” said Kim Rueben, a state and local public financing senior fellow at the Urban Institute.

That’s because sales tax statutes typically just say that all goods are subject to tax, and then list only the exemptions that lawmakers have intentionally carved out for any number of reasons.

A big one is the idea that the poor shouldn’t have to pay tax on things they must buy to survive. But exempting an item gives a tax break to everyone else who buys it as well.

Now, I’m all about eliminating taxes on as many things as possible, but the fact that Virginia Democrats are using this ridiculous OMGMISOGYNYDISCRIMINATIONSEXISM excuse to make feminine hygiene products tax-free, because women need special privileges, including special tax exemptions, is absurd.

You know what else is absurd? Screeching about how strong and independent women are, while demanding special treatment, privileges, and even tax breaks for them, as if they’re incapable of buying their their own gorram tampons. It’s not just absurd. It’s offensive to me as a woman.

Claiming oppression because you’re not given the feminine hygiene product of your choosing in jail after you have committed a crime, while there are women in the world who can’t even go to the store by themselves and are forced to wrap themselves in burlap sacks because dog forbid a man catches a glimpse of an ankle, loses control of his penis, and rapes the woman, forcing her family to kill her to restore its honor, is insulting and tone deaf.

These creatures make me embarrassed to be a female!

Written by

Marta Hernandez is an immigrant, writer, editor, science fiction fan (especially military sci-fi), and a lover of freedom, her children, her husband and her pets. She loves to shoot, and range time is sacred, as is her hiking obsession, especially if we’re talking the European Alps. She is an avid caffeine and TWD addict, and wants to own otters, sloths, wallabies, koalas, and wombats when she grows up.

  • Kate says:

    (D-umbshit 38), D-oofus 86).

    I LOL’d..

  • GWB says:

    I knew from the title it would be Marta. 🙂

    But, you *should* be proud on the basis of your plumbing, Marta. God has given to women the power of bearing children! That’s practically a superpower. (I do understand some women are unable – it’s still pretty incredible that only 1/2 of us can do that.)

    Now, as an individual, yeah, lots more there to see.

    What makes it so weird is they don’t talk about the womb (life-making/giving), but about the vagina (gateway to womb, but mostly ZOMG! SEX!!!). But talking about the womb would get back into that other weirdness about women being pro-abortion.

    (And, aren’t pussy hats now racist and transphobic? See, *this* is why women can’t be put in charge – nobody will get the danged memo!) 😉

    • Marta Hernandez says:

      Right? It’s like they consciously separate one from the other!

      Now, I love sex. Nothing wrong with sex. I oppose any effort to regulate sex between consenting adults – I don’t care if there are two, three or a group of them. None of my business, and none of the politicians’ business either. But when it comes to issues like health, violence, etc., I’m a little less libertarian.

      BTW – childbirth SUCKS!!!! I can’t believe people are all, “It’s soooo beautiful!” No. It hurts. It’s kind of yucky from a hygiene point of view, and frankly, after having watched my niece give birth, and nearly fainting at the sight… nope, there’s nothing attractive about it. To quote Robin Williams, it’s like a wet Saint Bernard trying to come in through the cat door! Sure, the birth of a child AS A CONCEPT is beautiful, but GAAAAAHHHH!

  • Appalled By The World says:

    Don’t let the C**theads make you feel embarrassed for anything. They don’t represent you-they represent what happens when the mentally ill are not given the treatment that they clearly need and are allowed out in society and indulged by the agitprop organs.

    • Marta Hernandez says:

      LMAO!!! Best comment EVAR!!!!

      Honestly, I’m not TRULY embarrassed, but there are times, I’m sitting there going, “WTF? Are these dipshitasauri the same gender as me, let alone the same species?”

  • Timmy says:

    Are women strong and independent or are they little snowflakes?

  • Gail Boer says:

    First world problems. My bitch (the proper term for a female dog and Miss Thing earns the title quite well) would find these women absurd. And she is a dog. Good grief! For supposedly liberated women, I think my grandmothers and their mothers were far more liberated (they actually had to do stuff without government help and despite the government) than these ninnies were. Grandma could run a business and raise kids. These snowflakes are worse than fainting Victorian maidens.

  • Hank says:

    We tax toilet paper and we tax tampons. Luckily we DON’T tax steel wool… see where I’m going with this?

  • Nina says:

    I’m 19 years old, and my generation is breeding uneducated liberals who blindly blame Donald Trump for all of their problems. I don’t feel it’s my place to go public with my opinions, as I know the majority of my peers would tear me apart. But this is everything I think and feel but am unable to say. Amazing

    • Marta Hernandez says:

      Nina, I hope you will feel more comfortable in time to go out there and kick some ass without fear or hesitation! Your generation needs you and others like you. Know we will always stand behind you and support you.

  • Sadie McQueen says:

    Poor little snowflakes (the ones in jail). Our pioneer ancestors had to do without the nifty pads and tampons we have today. And you know what? They made it work! Most of these snowflakes are also too young to remember the earlier Kotex pads with the belt, and the tails that you had to wrap around the clip, and if you had any sort of belly, the belt didn’t fit right, and the pads would slide around, and..and…

    Some days, I really despair for this country.

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