I interrupt our wall-to-wall coverage of the Democrats’ underhanded, nasty, and morally repugnant attempts to destroy Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh for an announcement: Iran is getting froggy, threatening the US and Israel over separatist attacks over the weekend that killed at least 29 people and injured at least 70 others. You read that right. Iran is threatening the US.

Even though the State department quickly condemned the attack, Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) senior commander Kossari claimed Iran had “documents” that prove the United States somehow funded, supported, and ordered the attack, which he claims was carried out by Saudi Arabia, and IRGC deputy commander Salami (yes, that’s his real name, and I give you permission to giggle) swore vengeance.

“We promise to show an annihilating and destructive response which makes them (the culprits) regret their deeds and no one will be able to kill our children in this territory, and this will not be the end of the story and we warn everyone that we will take revenge,” said Brig. Gen. Hossein Salami, the Revolutionary Guard’s lieutenant commander, according to FARS.

Because Iran has to show it has big hairy balls, and yelling at the clouds threatening the world’s lone superpower is their international dick dance.

Methinks Iran is engaging in a bit of projection here with its claims that the United States is somehow supporting attacks against Tehran, since that’s what their IRGC Qods Force has been doing by funneling money and military materiel to every ululating Shia militant derp group in the region, including HAMAS and Hizballah, and even further out in Africa and Europe!

Iran’s support for Shia terrorists is common knowledge.

Treasury’s Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) doesn’t make designations lightly. It requires quite an evidentiary package to cut any individual or organization off from the US dollar and the global financial system. So let’s not pretend that Tehran hasn’t been working to fund Shia terrorism, knowing there’s no way they can take on a coalition of any strength in the Middle East, especially if supported by the United States! I mean, what better force multiplier can Iran ask for than extremist militants who are straining at the leash to launch attacks against Iran’s enemies? Let’s also not pretend that the IRGC-QF hasn’t been working to plot attacks against separatists worldwide, like their failed attempt to blow up a Mujahedin-e-Khalq (MeK) rally near Paris and their assassination attempts against MeK separatists in Albania this year.

So their claim that the US somehow ordered Ryadh to attack their military parade rings as nothing more than projection or an excuse to wreak havoc against Israel, which I guarantee will not end well for Tehran.

Not only that, but since the US and the international community are working hard to isolate Tehran, why the hell would we order an attack on Iran’s military establishment, which would elicit sympathy and force us to condemn the attack for plausible deniability, thereby undermining our efforts?

Initially, the media reported that separatist group Al-Ahwaz claimed responsibility for the attack, but they’re now ardently denying it.

But I will say it’s much more plausible that a separatist group launched this attack against Iran, than Ryadh or the US. We simply have better things to do! And the separatists have a lot of grievances.

CNN has believes it was separatists, given Iran’s attack on the Democratic Party of Iranian Kurdistan earlier this month.

The artillery assault September 8 on the Iraqi Kurdish town of Koysinjac was blatant and brutal. Iran made no effort to hide its hand behind the shells that rained down.

Several of the anti-Iranian groups’ headquarters buildings were destroyed and many of its troops killed in a sustained barrage of fire on a number of locations in the town.

The group threatened retaliation — that was two weeks ago — possibly a large enough window for someone to plan and prepare a counteraction.

But because Khamenei has to do some thumping on his sunken, nearly octogenarian chest, his minions thought the best way to save face for not anticipating a deadly attack inside Iran was to blame the US and threaten us with retaliation. And because they’re feeling impotent and crippled by reinstated economic sanctions, Iran’s leaders have to show their badassedness somehow!

LOOK AT MY BIG, BRASS, DANGLING BALLS, GREAT SATAN!

Bitch, please!

As President Trump tweeted recently, we’re just not going to take your shit anymore!

I really doubt Khamenei and his monkey Soleimani, the head of the IRGC-QF, want to escalate conflict with the United States or with Israel, for that matter.

The last thing Tehran needs is an escalation of conflict with the US or any of its allies. We’ve hit them so hard financially by pulling out of the JCPOA, that they can’t even afford to support their Hizballah minions!

Iran has in recent years provided Hizbullah with close to $1 billion in direct military aid, but due to the impact of the recent round of international sanctions, the Islamic Republic has been forced to cut back on the funding. The money is used by Hizbullah to buy advanced weaponry, train and pay its operatives and establish military positions and sustain them throughout Lebanon.

We’ve got more firepower and a bigger naval and air dick. You’ve got some cyber assets, but I’m pretty sure that between us and Israel, we can fuck your shit up hard. Remember STUXNET, assholes? Don’t think for a moment that we can’t do it again! And while a cyber attack on our infrastructure can, no doubt, hurt, I guarantee that the kind of rusty barbed wire wrapped dildo we will stick up your Supreme Leader’s ass will be much bigger and more painful!

I want President Trump to look Iran’s leaders straight in their moldy, unshaven mugs at the UN General Assembly meeting tonight and tell them to BRING IT! The US has just about had it with Iran’s sneaky support to every derping Shia asshole out to destroy those who don’t think like them, and if they try to attack US allies or interests anywhere in the world, I want them to pay!

Bring it, bitches!

Featured photo courtesy of Atta Kenare/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images