Tonight brings the first rumble of the five Democrat presidential candidates. And no, there’ll be no “kiddie table” pre-debate debate because, well, the Democrat pool is small, and, let’s be frank, stocked mostly with white-haired progessives and one self-described Socialist. The yawn-fest even has CNN practically begging the coquettish Joe Biden to attend, knowing full well the ratings for the debate will otherwise likely prove abysmal compared with the record-breaking viewership of the GOP debates thus far. Heck, why watch when you can view a perfectly good train wreck on YouTube, in a fraction of the time? Still, in case you’re interested, you can watch the debate, beginning at 8 pm eastern, streaming live on CNN here, or live below. Preferably from your nearest pub.

And here, briefly, are the five candidates participating in this evening’s debate:

• Front runner, owner of a highly controversial private server, and the only Democrat candidate under FBI investigation, Hillary Clinton struggles to list her own accomplishments and qualifications without referring voters to her not-so bestselling book:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGXHiKX2CtU

• Self-described Democratic Socialist and promoter of free everything, Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont is allegedly running to the left of Hillary Clinton. Sanders allowed Black Lives Matter thugs to storm his stage at a rally in Seattle, commandeering his microphone. Just imagine how he’d handle the likes of thugs like Vladamir Putin or Hassan Rouhani:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fokYomi1r7s

• Former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley signed a bill while governor granting in-state tuition to the children of illegals, aka an illegal immigration magnet. This past summer, he displayed his lack of a spine when he backpedaled, apologizing for his assertion at a gathering in Arizona that “All Lives Matter” after being viciously bullied for daring to utter those words by the same BLM crowd that silenced Sanders:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YH-FwXR8CA

• Former Republican senator, and former Democrat governor, Rhode Island’s Lincoln Chaffee said this about immigration:

“We’re right on immigration,” Chafee said during the DNC’s recent summer meeting.

“The fastest growing voting bloc in the country,” he added. “Of course we want that people to be treated with respect and to vote Democratic.”

He’s been described as honest. Given that statement, the label fits. Despite his “honesty,” Chafee’s most passionate, compelling argument for why he should be president is the same ol’ stale Leftist tripe:

Wait a minute. “Income inequality” has grown under Democrat leadership. Chafee is tripling down on failure. And did we hear him say, “Let’s hand ISIS a country of their own, and then maybe they’ll just leave us alone?” Paging Barack Obama’s failed foreign policy…

• And finally, former Senator Jim Webb of Virginia who, amid the four otherwise lackluster, arguably extremist candidates, is perhaps the least radical, and maybe the most qualified, of the five. Webb also served as Secretary of the Navy, as Assistant Secretary of Defense for Reserve Affairs, as Counsel for the United States House Committee on Veterans’ Affairs, as a Marine Corps officer, and is a Vietnam veteran:

Sigh. Aside from Webb, is it any wonder CNN is imploring Biden to participate? They even have a sixth podium for him, all ready to go:

https://twitter.com/Acosta/status/653514395083911168/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc^tfw

Sure, the candidate pool clearly needs Biden’s expertise and passion. Aside from bringing us another four, or heaven forbid, eight, years of Obama’s “Worse President Ever” policies, here’s what a President Joe Biden would bring to the race:

But wait, there’s more:

Surely the CNN moderators would ask him to explain his controversial comments and his grabby hands, right?

Meanwhile, Twitter users have some questions for the quintet. Here’s a sample:

#DemDebate question: Bernie, why should a man or woman relinquish what they have earned in order to prop up lazy people? #CNNDebate

— Veritas 101 (@ScotchnCAOGold) October 12, 2015

C’mon. It’s only ninety percent!

Hey @DanaBashCNN, here are some challenging immigration questions for the #demdebate: http://t.co/pVxcc8ZeWj

— Jon Feere (@JonFeere) October 12, 2015

Say it with us: “New. Bloc. Of voters.”

@cnn @andersoncooper #demdebatequestions Can Juan Carlos Lopez be impartial? His daughter works @HillaryClinton campaign? #DemDebate

— CaliforniaGirl (@RafaNadalNo1Fan) October 12, 2015

Shush. CNN is the most trusted name in news.

So there you have it: The five Democrat candidates for POTUS coming to you this evening from a glittery stage in Las Vegas. How apropos. I don’t know about you, but a root canal, followed by an appendectomy, then chased by a shot of rancid caster oil, chugged from a rusty shot glass, is sounding more inviting by the minute. Welcome to the “diversity” of the Democrat party, or something. Cheers. And please pass the Dogfish Head.