What Mr. Obama should say, and what Mr. Obama will say, during his final State of the Union address this evening could not be more diametrically opposed. My prediction? He’ll self-congratulate on climate change; he’ll invoke Christianity to shame us into charity toward the Syrian refugees; he’ll brag about how “obviously, the fact of the matter is, clearly” Obamacare is working; and he’ll boast about how tough he is on terror. And without a doubt he’ll employ the personal pronouns, “I, me, and my” umpteen times (drinking game, anyone?). What he won’t mention is the Kilimanjaro-sized mountain of debt, ISIS at our doorstep, record low labor participation, or the mounting legal problems facing his former SecState. And that’s just the short list. So without further fanfare, here are the top five things I’d love to hear from Barack Obama in his Last SOTU Evah!

1. “I resign.”

Yes, I know that a man suffering from acute narcissistic personality disorder will never willingly surrender his lofty position of power, but a girl can dream. The majority of Americans have no confidence in Barack Obama’s ability, or willingness, to keep this nation secure. At this point, Crazy Uncle Joe Biden shooting off rounds from his balcony is less dangerous than Emperor O’Palpatine:

…though he would give Grabby Hands Clinton a run for his money:

via GIPHY

I’ll wait til you’re done giggling. Or cringing.

Ready?…Ok. Let’s move on.

2. “I apologize.”

Remember this?

Yeah. Politifact deemed that whopper 2013’s “Lie of the Year.” And The Washington Post Four Pinocchio-ed that piece of…fiction.

With climate change hysteria a close runner-up, Obamacare is the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on the American public. It’s harmed millions of Americans, remains highly unpopular, and is nothing but a big, fat, crusty ball of crony capitalism. Yes, BO, I know you adore having your name mentioned countless times a day—you even named your dog after yourself—when anyone discusses healthcare in this country, but your elephantine ego should take a backseat to the mess you’ve created. So I’d love to see you march your arrogant arse back to the White House and sign the repeal. No, I won’t hold my breath waiting for you to do the right thing. Why? Because I’ve lost my healthcare twice.

3. “I was wrong.”

Yeah. Sure. I know. Rarely does he express responsibility for anything. So, naturally, Mr. Obama has yet to address the most recent terrorist attack on our nation by yet another self-professed Islamic jihadist:

…nor has he mentioned the fact that two more Muslim refugees—this time from Iraq—were arrested in two separate states on terrorism charges, while he continues to stonewall on how many other Islamic terrorists are walking around America scot-free:

Instead, he’s doubling down on his rigid commitment to continue bringing thousands more Syrian refugees to America, and inviting one of said “refugees” as his special guest at the SOTU. Meanwhile, Staff Sgt. Matthew McClintock, a Special Forces soldier who gave his life last week in a firefight with the Taliban in Afghanistan, doesn’t even warrant a mention. Perhaps your planned empty chair stunt should instead honor our fallen troops, President IslamaSymp. Paging Clint Eastwood:

4. “Thank you.”

Mr. Obama has much to atone for. For starters, and to expand on suggestion number two, Mr. Obama should thank our fallen police officers and troops for their service. He’s spent seven years employing irresponsible rhetoric demonizing those that protect and serve to deflect from failed progressive policies:

…and he’s spent the entirety of his White House occupancy binding the hands of our troops with dangerous rules of engagement. He owes the families of the Benghazi Four a full-throated apology for his absence on the night of September 11, 2012, and he owes our troops his full, unapologetic support. Anything else is a dereliction of duty. But hey, why change course now. You’re nearly done being a sorry excuse for Commander-in-Chief. And finally…

5. “I urge Congress to reaffirm the Second Amendment.”

Oops. Video is forever. You can pen any unconstitutional executive order you please, but we Americans will never give up our guns. I hear you like listening to cable news (or is it just ESPN?), so how about acknowledging the reports of cultural jihad taking over a disarmed Europe, and stop trying to disarm us? I think you know damned well that precisely ZERO of your proposed “rules” (semantics, because you know you can’t make law) will do anything to stop gun violence. Instead, you should be supporting our inalienable right to self-defense. Remember that oath of office you took? Twice. But again, it’s about your ego, it’s about deflecting from the fact that everything you touch turns rancid, and it’s about harnessing a groveling, like-minded media to help cover your ineptitude. Here’s an idea: Get off your bicycle and show some backbone for once. Secure the border, unleash our warriors on Daesh, and halt your ludicrous policy of bringing un-vetted Syrian refugees to America. Clear enough? I won’t wait up anticipating your personal epiphany.

So there you have it, Captain Climate Change: My five suggestions for what you should, but won’t, say during your last State of the Union address this evening. I, for one, won’t miss watching you mislead the nation again next year. In the words of the infamous former congressional rep, Joe Wilson: “You lie!” But hey, you’ll fit right in at the U.N.