First of all, my words are not about the Roy Moore allegations, so Moore fans can put their rocks down. Don’t stone me just yet. However, that being said, you have to admit that the guy has attracted a whole lotta nut jobs defending him.

Let’s look at three recent examples.

The Fake Jewish Robocaller

Some Alabama residents have gotten robocalls from a guy named “Bernie” or “Al Bernstein.” “Bernstein” says he’s from the Washington Post. Moreover, he’s looking for women from “54 to 57” with dirt on Roy Moore.

And not only does the “reporter” have a Jewish name, he uses a phony baloney Jewish accent. Can you say, “dog whistle”?

Well, guess what. There is no “Bernie Bernstein” at the Washington Post.

Way to go, jackass. So nice of you to assume that the good people of Alabama are all anti-Semitic bigots. You probably figured they all had some white robes hanging in their closets, too.

The Wacky Attorney

I don’t know why the Moore team chose this clown to represent the embattled judge, but this attorney takes the cake.

His name is Trenton Garmon, and he may have written the Worst Ever Letter of Notice in legal history. Moreover, he managed to beclown himself on national TV, to boot.

First, the letter. Garmon’s law group, Garmon & Liddon, “Attorneys for the People” (yes, they call themselves that), sent a letter of notice to the Alabama Media group saying they represented Roy Moore, his wife Kayla, and something called “The Foundation for Moral Law.” However, I’m sure the recipients aren’t shaking in their boots, but rather are laughing hysterically.

College freshmen probably write better than this. It’s chock full of bad grammar and punctuation, and below is only the first page.

Here’s how an attorney dissected this hot mess:

But wait! There’s more! Here’s Trenton Garmon appearing last Friday on Don Lemon’s program on CNN. Garmon wanted to call Lemon, “Lemon Squeezy.” I’m not kidding.

Then, on Wednesday, Garmon showed up on MSNBC, defending Moore’s claim that the accusers’ mothers gave him permission to date their teen daughters. And how did he defend Moore? Well, he pointed out the “diverse” background of one of the MSNBC hosts, Ali Velshi.

Now some of you might might wonder what the problem is. “Oh, it’s just ‘snowflakes’ getting their panties in a wad again about a guy who’s not politically correct.” Um, no. Those comments aren’t professional. They’re more like the barking of your crazy old uncle when he’s had a few too many brewskis at Thanksgiving.

However, maybe it’s no surprise that Garmon acts like this. After all, in 2014 he was suspended for over three months by the Alabama Supreme Court. What did Garmon do? He cold-called the family of a deceased 13-year-old girl just days after her funeral. Not only that, but he claimed to be both a pastor and attorney concerned about their “legal rights.”

Yep, ol’ Trenton is not just an ambulance chaser. He’s a hearse chaser. The Moore’s have a real class act representing them, don’t they?

However, the dubious prize for the very worst of this sorry lot goes to. . . drum roll, please:

Gateway Pundit and the Troll Who Impersonated a Dead Navy SEAL

The Roy Moore superfans who inhabit the execrable Gateway Pundit blog published a single source rumor from the Twitter account @Umpire43. It claimed that one of Moore’s accusers received $1000 from the Washington Post to smear Roy Moore. However, it didn’t just stop with The Gateway Pundit. No, InfoWars then picked it up and ran with it, along with the cable network One America Now. OAN ran it as a “report.”

Wow, what a scoop! Yeah, a scoop of bullshit, that is. It turns out that @Umpire43 is a fraud. This charlatan, who goes by DJ Lewis or Doug Lewis, claims that he’s a 22-year Navy veteran. He also supposedly speaks six languages, found a forged birth certificate for Ted Cruz’s father in Calgary, and saw Muslims “dancing on rooftops” in New York after 9/11.

Trouble is, the Navy has no record of a Doug Lewis who served during the times Umpire43 claimed. And that comment about Muslims dancing? Lewis lifted that comment from the log of a Navy SEAL, Jason Lewis, who was killed in Iraq in 2007.

Dan Scavino of the Trump campaign ran with Lewis’s fakery in 2015.

You know what the military calls scam artists like Lewis? Purveyors of stolen valor.

I went over to find Lewis’s Twitter feed at @Umpire43, and all I found was this:

However, since the internet is forever, there are pictures of the scumbag out there. Here he is:

It’s pretty obvious that conservative Republicans are scrambling to patch the massive breech caused by the Moore scandal. Now I’m not here to tell you what I think about Roy Moore, although I have a definite opinion. Your mileage, as they say, may vary. I’m just glad I don’t live in Alabama. However, clowns like the Gateway Pundit, Trenton Garmon, and the fake Jewish robocaller do nothing but further the stereotyped image of conservatives as wing nuts and wackos. They’re massive PR failures. And that is why we can’t have nice things.