Some TV writer named Nicole Silverberg recently published an article in the Guardian (yes, you may all groan now), chicksplaining to men what they need to do in order to “improve” themselves. This laundry list of femderpaherpery has me wondering if this woman will a) ever date an actual male – you know, one that actually owns a functioning set of testicles – let alone get married to one and b) ever own enough cats to fill that empty space on her bed, because no guy in his right mind will occupy that space for any length of time.

In her list, Nicole lectures men about how to be decent human beings, and instructs them on decorum, professional behavior, and dating etiquette. She has obviously made the assumption that men, on the whole, are stupid, because you know… most normal guys think sending unsolicited pictures of their penis is acceptable behavior, and believe that banging a shithammered woman who is unconscious and unable to consent is OK.

I would submit to you, that aside from a few aberrant scumbags, men writ large are quite a bit smarter than that!

This list is so insulting to the intelligence of men, that I’m actually offended on their behalf! But worse yet, it’s insulting to women – a condescending list of demands that includes unearned credit, consideration, and respect where none may very well be due.

She instructs men (as if there are no female bosses) to pay women the same as men (regardless of whether or not they do the same work and the quality of said work is equal). But at the same time, she wants women to be coddled, for men to refuse the spot on a panel or team at work and give it up to a woman, defend her when other guys talk over her, be her white knight in shining armor! Be aware of your inherent power, and protect women, Nicole advises.

Nicole obviously sees women as inferior to men, deserving of special consideration, in need of protection and special inclusion, but hey – you’d better pay them the same as men and listen to them, despite their alleged inferiority!

If you are asked to be on a panel/team and see that it’s all men, say something. Maybe even refuse the spot!

When you see another guy talk over a woman, say: “Hey, she was saying something.”

Do you feel that any woman on earth owes you something? She doesn’t. Even if you’re like, “Hm, but what about basic respect?” ask yourself if you’ve shown her the same.

Involve women in your creative projects, then let them have equal part in them.

Be aware of your inherent power in situations and use it to protect women, especially via talking to other men.

BUT…

Pay women as much as you pay men.

Mmkay?

So I have a list of my own for women like Nicole, who think they’re entitled to special treatment merely because they’re sporting what they obviously believe is a golden, bejeweled vagina. Here are some ideas on how you can earn respect from those around you – both male and female.

Arrive at meetings and panels prepared, on time, and with substantive ideas and creative solutions to problems.

Don’t expect to be included just because you happen to belong to the Sisterhood; earn your place at the table.

Do equal work, and you will receive equal pay. If you believe you aren’t receiving said equal pay for said equal work, have the testicular fortitude to approach your boss, show them the evidence of the work you have done, and demand a raise. If you truly feel you deserve higher pay for the work you have been doing and don’t receive it, have the courage, tenacity, and self respect to find another position.

Don’t rely on men to protect you and chide his co-worker who interrupts you when you’re speaking. Have the balls to stand up for yourself.

Learn to read a fucking room.

Don’t want men to call you “crazy” at work? Stop acting crazy at work!

Don’t use your vagina as a shield from criticism. Have the courage to admit when you have messed up, and don’t hide behind your snatch when a man rightfully and constructively offers you warranted criticism.

Want men to show you basic respect? It’s a two-way street, Cupcake.

If a guy asks you for a date a second time after you have declined once before, don’t treat it like a profound offense against your person, unless he’s threatening you or your employment. Take it as a compliment, and firmly but politely, repeat your “No.”

Don’t want men to make assumptions about your intelligence or capabilities? Then perhaps those twelve piercings in your nose, your bright blue asymmetric haircut shaved on one side, and a skirt so short, your cheeks are prominently hanging out at the office weren’t such a bright idea.

Want to participate on creative panels at work? Be creative. Show your skill. Show your willingness to work on a team, even if your team is a sausage fest. Show your strength and your tenacity, without demeaning your male counterparts, and without complaining that you’re not being treated like the princess that you are.

Look at every situation objectively, step back and analyze the circumstances, before claiming you’re being mistreated merely because you’re a woman. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, you didn’t get that promotion because someone actually had better skills and qualifications than you did!

Develop your skills. Ask for additional training, or take the initiative and develop the skills that will improve your job performance yourself.

Demand honest feedback, and don’t snivel when you receive it. Instead, look in the mirror and figure out how you can improve your performance.

And most of all, don’t listen to shrews like Nicole. You are strong. You are capable. And you certainly don’t need beta males to protect and shield you, and prostrate themselves on the altar of feminism, so your tender labia don’t get chafed.

Grow a thicker skin, and don’t be afraid to throw yourself into the fray.

It’s a tough world out there, and no one owes you a fluffy blanket of rose petals upon which to place your tender lady parts.