My first question is “why the hell would you want one of those?” But, evidently, Lisa Bonos at the Washington Post thought this would help someone land themselves a man.

Is he a feminist if he proclaims, on a first date, that he could see himself taking his wife’s last name? (Maybe his own name is pretty generic.) If he insists on doing the dishes after you’ve cooked dinner together but proceeds to whip the dish towel at your ass, is that playful or objectifying? (Both.) Is he sexist if he cancels an Uber ride because a female driver is on her way to pick the two of you up? (Definitely.)

 Does he need to believe that men and women, are equals and should be treated as such? (Uh, yes.) Does he need to be actively fighting for social, political and economic justice for women — and for all people, really — to identify as a feminist? (Not necessarily. But if he’s doing that, great.)

I swear that I thought The Onion or the HuffingGlue Post had hijacked the Washington Post website and that this piece was satire.  But I don’t think it is.  I showed it to my husband and he needed oxygen after he read it from laughing so hard.  Blew coffee all over his computer screen when he read it.

“If you’re a woman who wants a man to grab you and kiss you because that’s what sweeps you off your feet, realistically, a feminist man is not going to do that,” says Rita Goodroe, a 38-year-old life coach in Northern Virginia who works mostly with singles. “He’s going to ask for permission.”

Yeah, because permission is sooooo hawt….

I can tell you that this kind of thinking is exactly why feminists are the most unhappy and unfulfilled women to ever walk the planet; they spend their time trying to date someone who, with the exception of different anatomy, is a mirror image of themselves.

A feminist dater or boyfriend (and yes, feminists have boyfriends) is aware of the ways women have traditionally been held back, by others and by our own accord, and actively pushes against that. He’s sensitive to the fact that women’s bodies are frequently judged, abused and legislated, and takes no part in that. He gets it.

So Feminists, this is what turns your dials?  Lots of hot talk about the “gender pay gap” and how “the man” (and some women) are holding back the women’s cause?  You really don’t you want something different than a dubiously male person who claims he gets Amanda Marcotte?  You really want a man that is going to take your last name?  Don’t you want a veteran who could be the conservative Yin to your Liberal Yang?  Don’t want a man that can cook a delicious meal and bench press more than his body weight?  Don’t you believe in diversity?

This is truly an everlasting gobstopper of comedy goodness.

Here’s how I’m defining it: Feminist daters — male or female, gay or straight — aren’t constrained by gender roles. Anyone can do the asking-out, the feelings-confessing or the initiating of any kind. (As for who picks up the check on a first date, let’s obliterate the gender pay gap first, then put that one back up for debate.)

Oh, I get it now; so the ladies and men can ask anyone out they want, regardless of orientation, demand equality between the sexes, but when it comes to picking up the check, the guy (or for gay and lesbian relationships, whoever is acting as the guy, I guess) needs to handle that until we can get that silly gender pay gap (myth) taken care of.  So I guess feminism in dating stops right before it is time to pay for dinner and a movie.

I can promise the feminists that they will continue to be unhappy until they set aside the insane notion that somehow, we all need to be “equal.”  My husband and I aren’t “equal” and I didn’t expect us to be.  I don’t know any married couple where the partners are “equal.”  Someone always makes more money, someone is better with the kids, someone plans better, someone is more efficient with housework, someone is smarter, someone is taller. I can’t ferret out what Lisa’s definition, or what feminists define as “equal” either; since they evidently still expect the “feminist” man they found on Tinder working as a graduate student aide who is dating the high-falutin’ journalist from the WaPo to pick up the dinner check.

Well, until we get that “gender pay gap” taken care of.  Then the girls will do it I guess.

I would like to point out that a pretty famous couple named Todd and Sarah Palin seem to make it work, even with kids and different skill sets and different roles, they seem to have worked it out.  My guess is that at some point Sarah made more money than Todd did, he was prepared to move his house and family if necessary to the VP residence, and my other guess is that there wasn’t much talk about gender roles or who picks up the check in their relationship.

Most couples are too busy being couples and living their lives to care whether or not the other one is actively fighting for social, political and economic justice for women and for all people.  They have bigger fish to fry.

So if what you are looking for is a man that identifies as a “Marxist feminist” to help you kill your spiders, take your car to the mechanic, doesn’t objectify you, wants to take your last name, and meets all your feminist needs regarding fluid gender roles and housework assignments; all while asking for permission, then feminists, I hope you find the Delta male of your dreams.

These women sometimes make me ashamed of my gender.