Oregon’s Gas Pumping Apocalypse [VIDEO]
Oregon’s Gas Pumping Apocalypse [VIDEO]
If you haven’t heard yet, the government of the state of Oregon recently did something horrible – they passed a law allowing Oregonians to pump their own gas! Two states – until recently – have forced gas stations to pay attendants to pump gas for customers.
What this really was is a jobs program for people too incompetent or lazy to do anything else. This is a version of the broken window fallacy (with the state breaking the imaginary window) coupled with social engineering. The government is creating a problem where there was none in order to create employment and force behavioral changes upon the populace. Had the gas station owner merely allowed the customers to pump their own gas, they would have spent less time and resources hiring dolts to do it for them, paying them, payroll paperwork, and other costs associated with this law that forces them to pass those higher costs onto the customer. Meanwhile, the customers are (in theory) less likely to fill up their cars at higher costs, which theoretically will lead to more use of public transportation, and is better for the environment. And those people are spending more money at the pump to pay the dolt to fill up their car when they could be using that disposable income to stimulate the economy.
In other words, the government mandated jobs for dolts program is only good for: higher prices, more paperwork, less disposable income, and less freedom.
Meanwhile, hilarity ensued on the Internet after KTVL posted the Associated Press article I linked above to their Facebook page and asked the public to react to the new law.
Poe’s law is at play here. I can’t figure out whether Oregonians are incompetent, barely functioning toddlers, who should have their metal utensils taken away by the state and barred from wearing shoes they have to tie, lest they accidentally throttle themselves with their shoelaces, or merely brilliant satirists.
Either way, the Great Gas Pump Apocalypse of 2018 has apparently begun. Can you imagine the havoc and chaos that could ensue if everyone merely parked their cars at the fuel pump and refused to leave until a gas station dolt came out and pumped their gas for them?
“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. I had to do it once in California while visiting my brother and almost died doing it. This a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas. I can’t even,” -Mike Perrone
And what about those poor Oregonians who have never had to pump their own gas? Would they even know where to stick the fuel nozzle? (I have a couple of suggestions, but I digress.)
“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian…..I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline!” – Sandy Franklin
And what about the poor gas station dolts who will likely be out of a job, now that gas station owners aren’t forced by the government to pay them at least $9.75 an hour to perform a task a drunken monkey could be trained to do?
How will they ever survive without the government mandating that they be hired? They will have to… *GASP* get skills, go to school, learn a trade, and find another job!
Oh, the humanity!
And what about the environment? With people now being allowed to pump their own gas, more people will be able to afford to fill up their cars, and then more of them might… DRIVE!
And then trees will die, endangered worms will go extinct, and swamps will dry up! We can’t have that!
And by the way, what if these same people filling up their cars had more disposable income? Oh. My. God. I can’t even! They might go out and spend it, which could result in economic growth, which would make the rich even richer, while the gas station dolts lose their jobs and starve. INCOME INEQUALITY! STARVATION! HAVOC!
And what if inexperienced Oregonians like Sandy Franklin do stick the fuel nozzle in the wrong place? What if they blow up their car and cause a fire?
And what if innocent Oregonians just sat there idling, waiting for the gas station dolt to come pump their gas for them forever? In limbo. Unable to move. Maybe Oregon can create jobs by hiring individuals to remove their desiccated carcasses from their vehicles after they’ve been festering there a while?
PEOPLE WOULD DIE! People would die without government mandates and intervention. Didn’t you get the memo?
And thus begins Oregon’s gas pumping apocalypse. Hide your children, crate your pets, and dig out that 500-page manual to your car, Oregonians. You will need it to figure out where your fuel tank is and how to open it.