Because every family has a token “sexist racist, bigot, Christian Republican xenophobe”.

Beware family members. You will for sure have turkeys and apparently, a chance of snowflakes on your Thanksgiving Day. Colleges and universities across the United States are taking their post-election “self-care” initiatives and are now offering discussions and debriefings on how to deal with family members of opposing political views. Read: Family members who did not vote for Hillary Clinton. You know, because cute little puppies, Play-Doh, coloring books, hot cocoa and stuffed animals are not enough for these fragile little souls. They need coping skills because apparently, some of us parents have done a real crappy job of giving them those.

The College of William and Mary offered up this class: “THANKSGIVING TOOLKIT: How to Handle Politically-Motivated Family Conflict and Take Care of Yourself”. What was discussed, you asked? Take a look:

– Strategies for discussing privilege
– How to show solidarity with those who are made especially vulnerable by the election results, including: undocumented immigrants, people of color, queer and trans people, people with disabilities.
– Organizations and resources to pass on to family
– How to deescalate conversations

The New School (stomping grounds of model Gigi Hadid who decided a few days ago that it was sheer comedy to make fun of Melania Trump at The American Music Awards) hosted a “pre-Thanksgiving meditation” where students drank tea, participated in “loving-kindness meditation,” (don’t look at their Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, though) and discovered how to “show compassion for difficult people without sacrificing [their] own feelings.”

“We all know someone who voted for our elect. They may be in our families. We might have to see them for Thanksgiving this year.-Information from The New School’s Pre-Thanksgiving Meditation event“

Our elect. That would be Donald Trump for those reading between the lines.

Georgetown University Medical Center has also offered some tips regarding tense political conversation at the Thanksgiving table:

1. Avoid alcohol and substances that reduce ability to think clearly and to control anger
2. Don’t sit close to those who might challenge your opinions
3. Remind yourself and others of areas of common ground
4. Change the topic (“What I’d really like to hear about is…”)
5. Suggest talking at a later time
6. Avoid disrespectful behavior and abusive language
7. If you feel the conversation is going south, politely excuse yourself from the table.

I especially like #2: “Don’t sit close to those who might challenge your opinions”. No, no, little delicate snowflake. Sit far away from your crazy uncle who is building an AK. Actually, sit far away from anyone who may have an opposing viewpoint to yours. After all, you have spent years of your life being indoctrinated into believing what your nutty professors are telling you to be gospel truth. You have been given the world on a silver platter and were told you were awesome at everything you do even though you suck at it and cannot have anyone oppose your worldly knowledge, your opinions or shatter your overly-inflated ego.

Dear snowflakes, I’m the crazy family member you don’t want to sit with. I will not bring up politics nor will I disparage anyone’s vote. I will, however, attempt to steer any political conversation started by a self-righteous snowflake who refers to themselves in third person by saying that Thanksgiving is not about ego and who is right. It is not about who is more “educated”. It is not about giving your opinion and shutting down others who hold a different opinion that you. It’s about family. It’s about counting your blessings…about being THANKFUL, grateful. It’s about humility. But if they break into hysterics and start to bring up how Donald Trump is the next Adolf Hitler and is going to start World War Three, it’s game on. I’m breaking out my “tools”.  I have these photos to give them the important history lesson that their professors managed to forget:

To snowflakes who may be reading this right now: these were men in World War II storming the beach in Normandie. The average age of a man hitting the beach was 21 years old. Some were college-age and some were lucky to just be out of high school. While our colleges are offering”election self-care” and “Thanksgiving Toolkits” complete with classroom walk-outs, protests, flag burnings, stuffed animals, plenty of Kleenex, teddy bears and coloring books these BOYS were in a boat getting ready to face the unknown. They faced death, injuries and seeing their brothers-in-arms killed. They had no time to protest. They had no teddy bears to hug and no coloring books and footed pajamas. They didn’t hide behind their bully pulpit of social media and throw out hateful rhetoric to those who did not understand or opposed their point of view…they were just trying not to get shot!  That was their “self-care” and at other times, “self-care” was just not an option. They were brave even when they were faced with uncertainty and the worst of all possible outcomes. And some of them were sadly not fortunate enough to make it home to spend Thanksgiving Day with their families that year same year.

But go ahead, young ones. Continue to believe you have something to worry about as you depart the Nursery-I mean-Universery-I mean-University-this upcoming holiday season when faced with opposing points of view from your family members. I know the impending sense of doom at the dinner table is giving you an ulcer and has your therapist working overtime.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jg7E6LqQ_6w

As for those college students who will have to deal with family members who voted for the criminal, there are no “classes” and tips out there for dealing with them. And there is no “toolkit” for grown adults who have to deal with other grown adults who are still acting like whiny little brats three weeks later.  Happy Thanksgiving, y’all! Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition…and the mashed potatoes!