She’s wilting like a clematis vine on a frosty morning in October, but Hillary’s not giving up, even though her campaign’s on life support. Nope. She’s got a laundry list, y’all, according to The Washington Post, and not the “find me an interesting TV show and some tea because I’m completely incompetent” kinda list she’s used to handing to an underling. Yes, this time she’s serious. She’s determined to re-remake her campaign for the…how many times is it now? I’ve lost count. Anyway, here’s her tentative Team Hillary Campaign Revamp List for Fall:

• Act Be contrite about the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy also known as that secret server email thingy.
• Admit I’m sinking like a rock in New Hampshire. We’re fine. We’re fine…we’ll take the next state.
• Create second To-Do list with zingers to fling at the GOP candidates, particularly that Donald guy. Maybe I can hang the War on Women around his neck…Never mind that I’m married to a “perv.” Oh, and call Dr. Carson a “misogynist” or something.
• Give a policy speech on Iran. Maybe I can get some intel from Huma. I’ll email her and check.
• Do more TV interviews. I wonder if that YouTube cereal gal is available? Ask Barack.
• Convince the nation that it needs a female president, because voting for race over qualifications in the last two election cycles was such a grand idea. Carly? Carly Who?
• Draw a distinction between myself and the other Democrats, particularly Bernie. Socialists come in all stripes!
• Convince Joe not to run, by letting loose my best “Jedi bitch face.” Like this:

• And, finally, project joy to the world, like this:

Food craving? Binge-watch show of choice? 6 things you probably didn’t know about Hillary, via @MSNBC:https://t.co/Vqur9WmijA

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 8, 2015

Yes, it really is that pathetic. But seriously, Hillary Clinton is worried. And she’s looking more and more desperate by the day, offering, for example, verbal vomitous like this to a group of uncommitted Democrats at a recent backyard picnic:

“The other side has said they will spend, do and say anything to win back the White House,” she said. “I am absolutely confident that whatever they throw at me, I can throw it right back.”

Projecting much?

And she offered this wisdom at campaign stops in Illinois and Iowa:

What’s that you say? Jail? Oh, yes, right. That’s just for the rest of us serfs, certainly not for a former SecState who violated federal law and endangered national security.

Meanwhile, the DNC vice chairman had this to offer in explanation of Hillary’s continued decline in support:

“Because of all the stuff surrounding her, she more than others needs a couple months to knock the dust off and to get real again,” Democratic National Committee vice chairman R.T. Rybak said in an interview.

Sure. Keep telling yourself that. Maybe you could lend Hillary a cloth to wipe herself off with.

No, Hillary. It’s YOU who will do and say anything to win. Except this time, your hubris is catching up with you. It’s reflected in the polls, and I’d bet my last silver dollar there’s nothing you can do about it. Try these on for size:

Donald Trump beats all Democrats in nationwide poll

• 45% vs. Hillary 40%
• 44% vs. Bernie 40%
• 44% vs. Biden 42%http://t.co/kUaaiNL7nR

— Frank Luntz (@FrankLuntz) September 7, 2015

SHOCK POLL: Trump Receives 25% of Black Vote – Enough to Ensure a GOP Landslide: A SurveyUSA poll released Fri… http://t.co/izCIxOo2Bh

— SavageNation (@SavageNation) September 7, 2015

Meanwhile, Sanders and Biden, who’s yet to declare, are nipping at Hillary’s kitten heels:

An NBC News-Marist poll released hours before Clinton spoke in Iowa showed she remains ahead of Sanders in the state, but her lead has shrunk from 24 points in July to 11 points (38 percent to 27 percent). Biden, who is expected to decide this month whether to enter the race, had 20 percent support in the new survey.

The same poll showed worse news for Clinton in New Hampshire, where Sanders has pulled ahead by nine points.

But, hey, go ahead, make lists to revamp your campaign for fall if that makes you feel better, Team Hillary. In the meantime, Trey Gowdy has a seat with your name on it, and an inked-in date for October 22nd for a little chitchat about those emails you seem to think are no big deal. My personal preference: Since you already have the corresponding orange jump suit, a jail cell next to that clerk in Kentucky you say needs to follow federal law should have your name on it. After all, fair is fair.