She’s wilting like a clematis vine on a frosty morning in October, but Hillary’s not giving up, even though her campaign’s on life support. Nope. She’s got a laundry list, y’all, according to The Washington Post, and not the “find me an interesting TV show and some tea because I’m completely incompetent” kinda list she’s used to handing to an underling. Yes, this time she’s serious. She’s determined to re-remake her campaign for the…how many times is it now? I’ve lost count. Anyway, here’s her tentative Team Hillary Campaign Revamp List for Fall:

• Act Be contrite about the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy also known as that secret server email thingy.
• Admit I’m sinking like a rock in New Hampshire. We’re fine. We’re fine…we’ll take the next state.
• Create second To-Do list with zingers to fling at the GOP candidates, particularly that Donald guy. Maybe I can hang the War on Women around his neck…Never mind that I’m married to a “perv.” Oh, and call Dr. Carson a “misogynist” or something.
• Give a policy speech on Iran. Maybe I can get some intel from Huma. I’ll email her and check.
• Do more TV interviews. I wonder if that YouTube cereal gal is available? Ask Barack.
• Convince the nation that it needs a female president, because voting for race over qualifications in the last two election cycles was such a grand idea. Carly? Carly Who?
• Draw a distinction between myself and the other Democrats, particularly Bernie. Socialists come in all stripes!
• Convince Joe not to run, by letting loose my best “Jedi bitch face.” Like this:

• And, finally, project joy to the world, like this:

Food craving? Binge-watch show of choice? 6 things you probably didn’t know about Hillary, via @MSNBC:https://t.co/Vqur9WmijA

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) September 8, 2015