Dear Al –

I hope you don’t mind my calling you by your first name. You seem like such a relaxed kind of guy, who doesn’t mind getting “familiar” with women, whether they want to or not, so “Al” it is.

I read in disgust about your foul behavior toward Leeann Tweeden. There’s no doubt she is a gorgeous woman – a former model and broadcaster – so who can blame you for taking some liberties, right? After all, you were a famous comedian and all, who WOULDN’T want your greasy paws all over their breasts and your tongue down their throat, right?

WRONG, asshole!

I don’t know if Ms. Tweeden accepted your apology. Maybe she’s more gracious than I am. I would have ensured that the moment you tried to stick your reptilian tongue down my throat, I kicked you in your shriveled raisins so hard, that your gonads would have broken your teeth as they flew out your miserable maw. And I would have destroyed you the moment the photo of you groping my IBA-covered breasts made its way to me, because you do not deserve the courtesy of the benefit of the doubt. You don’t deserve to represent the people of Minnesota. A sexual predator such as you cannot possibly represent the mostly decent people of that state or any other, for that matter.

And make no mistake, that’s exactly what you are – a sexual predator swine on par with Harvey Weinstein.

You pressured a woman to submit to your demands – not because you wanted to get the act down perfect for the troops’ entertainment, but because you wanted to stick your tongue down her throat. In fact, you used the troops as a tool to get your rocks off, nothing more, you deviant piece of wildebeest shit.

You used the people who sacrifice so much for our country as a prop in your sick little deviant game! You make me sick!

And worse yet, you continued to victimize her after she made it clear your tongue was not welcome in her mouth, and actually GROPED her in her sleep! What the hell is wrong with you?

No, your “apology” is not enough. You have a history of crassness and debauchery, and you obviously think you are untouchable because you’re famous. Why else would you have your photo taken while sexually assaulting this poor girl, and why would you have no objection to her receiving a copy?

Did you think she’d enjoy knowing you further victimized her while she was asleep?

Did you think she would be amused, instead of disgusted, at the idea of having your slimy mitts all over her?

Did you think she’d get the “joke?”

Obviously, since you claim you intended the photo to be “funny.”

Let me give you a clue, you doughy, pasty, abberant cretin: NO woman thinks sexual assault is funny. NO woman would be amused at being groped by an entitled, debauched fuckwit like you – especially while she is asleep and unable to consent!

Given your behavior, which only occurred in 2006 – while I was also deployed overseas – it certainly makes your “oh-so-heartfelt” 2012 plea for the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act and your emotional Tweets about sexual harassment sound like they came from an oozing, hypocritical ass polyp.

Your apology is not enough.

Your attitude is indicative of every hairy, fat dullard in Hollywood and in the halls of power, who thinks he is too special, too entitled, and too popular to be rebuffed by a woman, so he takes what he wants without considering that maybe – JUST MAYBE – she doesn’t want a flaming asshole, who looks like a strategically shaved monkey, sticking any of his body parts on or in her.

And I don’t believe for a moment you were trying to “push the humor envelope” with that demeaning, degrading assault. That’s not even remotely funny.

Much like you weren’t even remotely humorous when you told the Harvard Crimson “I just don’t like homosexuals. If you ask me, they’re all homosexuals in the Pudding. Hey, I was glad when that Pudding homosexual got killed in Philadelphia.”

Much like I don’t see the humor in joking around about the House Speaker’s daughter’s period.

And the overtly racist “tar brush” skit you wrote for Garrett Morris on Saturday Night Live about darkening the white teeth of African-Americans? Nope. Not funny either. But you can’t possibly be racist! You hire black people! Not. Fucking. Funny.

The USO says that the photographer who was taking pictures during the tour in which Sen. Franken was captured reaching out to grope a sleeping Leann Tweeden was Owen Franken – the senator’s brother.

— Kyle Potter (@kpottermn) November 16, 2017

Your second statement, released only a little bit ago (so glad someone informed you that your “apology” was woefully inadequate – much like the man you are), was a bit more contrite than your first dumbass reply, “Hurr durr. Sorry. I thought it was funny, but I guess it wasn’t,” but nonetheless doesn’t reverse the damage. Had Ms. Tweeden not had the courage to speak up, you would have continued to pretend you respect women and their rights, which you obviously do not, and neither does your brother, who apparently took the photo as though it was acceptable behavior.

I am, however, gratified to see the Democrats quickly condemning your behavior. I do wish it hadn’t taken some Republicans so long to dump Roy Moore after more and more women started coming out. But then again, there’s no photographic proof against Roy Moore, now is there, jackhole?

“As with all credible allegations of sexual harassment or assault, I believe the Ethics Committee should review the matter,” Mr. McConnell said in a statement. “I hope the Democratic leader will join me on this. Regardless of party, harassment and assault are completely unacceptable — in the workplace or anywhere else.”

Democrats gave Mr. Franken no quarter.

“This is unacceptable behavior and extremely disappointing. I am glad Al came out and apologized, but that doesn’t reverse what he’s done or end the matter. I support an ethics committee investigation into these accusations and I hope this latest example of the deep problems on this front spurs continued action to address it,” said Patty Murray of Washington, one of the most senior Democratic women in the Senate.

It’s quite obvious you think sexual harassment is a joke. You think sexual assault is funny. You think you should have the right to put your grubby paws on women regardless of consent.

And your new and improved apology doesn’t make you “a man,” despite the gentle licks to your scrotum administered by Matthew Dowd.

This is the statement of a man. A man who has the courage to admit his own mistakes and want to do better. Why can’t Roy Moore be a man? https://t.co/AwNaDXKEE2

— Matthew Dowd (@matthewjdowd) November 16, 2017

I think you owe the people you represent more than just contrition. While I doubt you could ever make up for what you did to Ms. Tweeden, you could stop soiling the image of people whom you are supposed to represent and exit stage left.

Marta Hernandez