Beto O’Rourke is running for President. He is headed to Iowa today for three days of gripping and grinning. You can take it to the bank that the media coverage will be Oprah-like in its obsequiousness. When the Democrat Industrial Media Horde decides they love you, you can do no wrong, no matter what your dog thinks. I’ll explain.

Robert “Beto” O’Rourke has been running for President since five minutes before he lost the Texas Senate Race to Senator Ted Cruz, even with all the Hollywood money that poured in. Victory Girls’ Nina wrote about it here and Victory Girls’ Darleen made an epic cartoon you can see here. But, yesterday afternoon, Vanity Fair released the April, 2019 cover featuring Beto, his truck door and his poor dog. Poor dog? Yes, poor dog.

No glossy magazine is better than Vanity Fair for giving the people they want to pimp out the classically folksy star treatment. Photographer Annie Leibovtiz could make a sack of potatoes look classically gorgeous. The photos in and around El Paso make El Paso look classically rugged. But the poor dog, Artemis, looks like he is in a hostage situation. It’s not just me thinking this. The Cut has a post wondering why Beto O’Rourke’s dog looks so sad. Black Labs do have that woeful look, but Beto’s dog looks like he is going to do a runner the first chance he gets.

I did not read the whole Vanity Fair article on Beto because I am watching my sugar intake, but I did look at the pictures. There is a photo of Beto making pancakes. This is possibly the phoniest of all the photos. Note to Annie Leibovtiz: Wait until you remove the pancake from the griddle before you put the butter pat on.

Okay, now to the substance, although Beto O’Rourke and substance don’t generally jibe. Beto was “born to do this”, according to Vanity Fair. Check out this quote:

O’Rourke and his wife, Amy, an educator nine years his junior, both describe the moment they first witnessed the power of O’Rourke’s gift. It was in Houston, the third stop on O’Rourke’s two-year Senate campaign against Ted Cruz. “Every seat was taken, every wall, every space in the room was filled with probably a thousand people,” recalls Amy O’Rourke. “You could feel the floor moving almost. It was not totally clear that Beto was what everybody was looking for, but just like that people were so ready for something. So that was totally shocking. I mean, like, took-my-breath-away shocking.”

For O’Rourke, what followed was a near-mystical experience. “I don’t ever prepare a speech,” he says. “I don’t write out what I’m going to say. I remember driving to that, I was, like, ‘What do I say? Maybe I’ll just introduce myself. I’ll take questions.’ I got in there, and I don’t know if it’s a speech or not, but it felt amazing. Because every word was pulled out of me. Like, by some greater force, which was just the people there. Everything that I said, I was, like, watching myself, being like, How am I saying this stuff? Where is this coming from?

There is your substance, folks. Then, I read this and was appalled:

And it will all work out—if he can just keep his eyes on the road. “Motherfuckers!” he says after darting into a busy intersection while ferrying the brood home from school that day. Then he catches himself: “Sorry, kids.”

and this:

It’s nine P.M. on a Thursday night and Beto O’Rourke is trying to manage a couple of life-altering and possibly world-historical political events while also driving his family home from a Mexican restaurant. Donald Trump will touch down in O’Rourke’s hometown of El Paso in four days to hold a rally and whip up excitement for a wall along the border with Mexico. O’Rourke’s iPhone is pinging with texts asking what he plans to do about it—and also whether he’s going to run for president of the United States of America.

I am not worried about the cursing in front of kids. For a man accused of leaving the scene of a car accident, he might want to think about how his driving is portrayed. You don’t have to read the article, this is from Twitter:

Beto O’Rourke is totally substance free. Beto is a soyboy through and through.

Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC interviewed the Vanity Fair article author and the interview is obsequious too:

So when Donald Trump “wings it”, he is an irresponsible bad, orange man. When Beto “wings it”, it’s divine inspiration. Got it.

All of the Texas news outlets are reporting that Beto O’Rourke is running for President. Groovy, just what Our Country needs. A soyboy American for President.

Beto O’Rourke Caricature by DonkeyHotey/Creative Commons License 2.0/cropped