Placenta, Pot, and Prohibition: 40,000 New Laws to Ring In 2014

Placenta, Pot, and Prohibition: 40,000 New Laws to Ring In 2014

Tonight we celebrate the imminent birth of a new year. As we ring in 2014 with family, friends, and perhaps a cocktail or two, our alleged representatives at all levels have been busy doing what they do best: passing mostly-oppressive, mostly-unnecessary new laws. A larger list can be found here. So in honor of the New Year, let’s take a look at a wee handful of the more than 40,000—yes, 40,000!—new laws we’ll be saddled with in 2014.

  • The ACA The biggest fundamentally transformative law in recent U.S. history: ObamaCratTaxCare. Yep, just like the gargantuan ball dropping on New York City in a few hours, that tax-packed whopper will hit us square in the eyes sometime after midnight tonight. Look for these new taxes and fees—above and beyond those we’ve already been burdened with—to suck your already-soaked pocketbook a whole lot drier, particularly if you happen to be a small business, which are clearly targets of the Obama administration.
  • Minimum Wage Hikes New York and Rhode Island will mandate their employers pay $8.00 an hour, while New Jersey will force its employers to fork over $8.25. Connecticut will require $8.70 per hour. And California’s increase to $9.00 per hour takes hold in July. Look for your Big Mac to cost more, or be served in the near future by a robot, for Progressives rarely think of the “unintended consequences” of their good ideas. And in perhaps the biggest wage hike in the country, an estimated 1,600 hotel and transportation workers in SeaTac, Washington will be forced to up their employees’ pay to $15.00 per hour, a 60% increase. Employers have warned of extensive layoffs and reduced hours as a result. Thank your neighborhood Socialists, SeaTac-ers. Meanwhile, the newest Seattle City Council member, self-defined socialist Kshama Sawant, plans to bring the same progress to Seattle.
  • Legalized Pot Coloradans will be getting their Rocky Mountain High on in 2014, legally. Residents twenty-one years and older will be able to buy an ounce of marijuana, but only for recreational use. Now don’t go trying to sell your extra pot for a profit, you capitalist, you, because, as the saying goes, government hates competition. Purchases can only be made from retailers authorized by the state pot pimps. Class action lawsuits against the state (at taxpayer expense, of course) a la Big Tobacco, anyone?
  • Prohibition on Shark Fins No more, uh, shark fin soup in Delaware. Starting in 2014, the sale, distribution, trade and possession of shark fins for use in foodstuffs will be prohibited. Fish are not food, people!
  • Gender Identity In California, schools will be required to allow students to play sports they feel are most “consistent with his or her gender identity.” Regardless of their sex at birth, students may sign up for whatever sport they wish. (This rule extends to a student’s choice of bathroom. A whole other debate!) Will the genders be playing on the same team, I wonder? If so, let the lawsuits ensue the first time a young girl is tackled by a 180-pound male linebacker and ends up in an emergency room with an acute brain injury. But darned if we won’t have our equality no matter what! But I digress…The point is: Do we really need more legislation replacing the common sense of parents?
  • Placenta and Smoking And lastly, and perhaps the most willies-inducing, of the new laws designed to provide women with more control over our bodies, or something…is Oregon’s new law mandating that women can bring home their placenta following the births of their babies. First, let me just say…Ew! I’ve seen that stuff!…but, yes, it’s true. Oregonians can soon legally take home a memento from their pregnancies, as if Junior isn’t enough. (I kept my kid’s baby teeth—no law required! Or perhaps I’ve broken one I’m unaware of. Surely there’s a hefty fine attached.) What exactly would one use placenta for? Framed souvenir? Perhaps added as a replacement ingredient for the outlawed shark fin? Double Ew! Also in Oregon, no tanning beds for minors. And don’t try to take a drag off your cancer-stick whilst driving with your child in Oregon, because that will be illegal, too. Which sounds great, I know, I get it. You shouldn’t smoke in the car with a child present. But again, do we need more legislation doing the job of parents? Do we need more oppressive government laws telling us what we can and cannot do?

So there ya go. More of the same ol’ same ol’. Though there are some that seek to further our liberties, I’m betting few of these 40,000-plus new laws, and reg after reg after reg, is aimed at helping our anemic economy in any meaningful, un-redistributive way. Or, better yet, gets the hell out of our way so we can all work toward the restoration of our liberties and our potential for prosperity in the country we love. And with that I give you…George Bailey:

We wish you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year!

To 2014! Cheers!

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