Elizabeth “Fauxcahontas” Warren, Bill “I didn’t mean to quote Che in Miami” DeBlasio, and Julián “Men can have abortions too” Castro have gone woker than woke by adding their preferred gender pronouns to their Twitter accounts.

Our favorite Indian’s (feather, not dot) preferred pronoun is she/her, according to her official Twitter account, while Che and Yo No Hablo Science prefer he/him, although Castro says “Él” is OK too, because, you know, he’s Latino.

Sorry, but that’s wholly insufficient and much too cisnormative.

We don’t need these privileged people flaunting their gender identity matching the gender they were assigned at birth! How could they possibly accurately represent the views of those who identify as gender apathetic or dyadic and those whose pronouns are ne/ner/ney? Shouldn’t Americans (and illegal aliens) have a President who understands that on alternate Tuesdays they identify as a toaster or a bag of hair?

It’s time the woke among us took back the language from the heteronormative patriarchy! Who’s with me?

Banning gender-specific language from city codes a la Berkeley is a good start. No more manholes and no more craftsmen! We now have “maintenance holes” and “craftspeople” or “artisans.”

But it’s not enough to change “manpower” to “human effort.” What about our friends and allies who identify as animals? The otherkin are human too. I know that because I read it in a Vice article. And by intentionally excluding our otherkin brethren from our legal codes, we are being noninclusive and mean. Otterkin are people too, you bastards!

I also recently learned that mistakenly misgendering an individual will not automatically be punishable by disciplinary action at the University of Minnesota! I’m shocked and appalled by this insensitivity. It’s disrespectful, and it hurts the feelings of our yo/ye/yem/yam friends who may identify as a dicotyledonous plant during “that” time of the month (and I want to assure our kind readers that men can and do bleed too, just in case you thought I was being noninclusive).

So yes, disciplinary action for people who misgender other people… uh… I mean beings – although this is in no way implied as a slight against our comrades who identify as dead or as the undead – should be swift and severe.

Those insensitive bigots should be attacked, both physically and verbally, shamed, and berated.

And we should require Presidential candidates to identify not just their preferred pronouns, but also shun any one of them who identifies as cis or fails to specifically acknowledge and honor the existence and importance of those whose preferred gender pronouns and identities are not quite conforming.

For instance, Beto O’Rourke should be immediately and severely punished for excluding those who identify as animals or fantasy creatures from the description on his Twitter account.

Doesn’t Beto understand that diversity is our strength, and he should try to include every being as vital to his new kind of politics? Twitter should immediately shut down his fascist account, even if he does appear to be an omega, low-T male who could realistically be mistaken for a demisex genderqueer. Maybe if he went into a women’s bathroom and demanded a tampon from a 12-year-old or sued women working in a salon for refusing to wax his sack, all would be forgiven.

And while we’re on the subject of Presidential candidates, can’t we do something about Bernie Sanders? He’s quite clearly a white, old, hetero male, and he’s also Jewish, which makes him doubly objectionable for so woke Ilhan Omar, who would never support an EEEEEEVUL JOOOOOO for President, since they’re already taking over the country and spreading their Benjamins around to buy the loyalty of politicians because Israel has them hypnotized. Maybe if he identified as an enema every so often, he would be considered a minority. After all, how many beings do you know that would willingly identify as an enema?

So at the very least, we need to require Presidential candidates – and everyone, really – to put their preferred gender pronouns on their social media profiles. You see, gender is not obvious. Just because you have a gigantic pair of knockers, doesn’t mean you are a female, and having a mustache doesn’t automatically make you a male. By requiring preferred gender pronouns to be listed up front, we will be making it easier for those who identify as leprechauns to exist in the world.

Because words are violence, and you wouldn’t want a Presidential candidate to be violently misgendered on the campaign trail.

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