When people start talking about the Democratic 2028 presidential contenders, it feels less like political analysis and more like a comedy sketch. The names being floated aren’t a deep bench. They’re a clown car.

We already had our fun with The Hill’s Republican list, which was more of a ‘thanks but no thanks’ roundup than a serious roster. Now the outlet has turned its attention to the Democrats, and the results are just as laughable. If the GOP list looked like a rerun of familiar names, the Democratic list reads like a mash-up of failed candidates, social media influencers, and governors who mistake yelling at Trump for national leadership.

Let’s walk through their top picks, one flop at a time.

Gavin Newsom: Hair Gel and Land Grabs Don’t Win Elections

California Governor Gavin Newsom is The Hill’s chosen frontrunner, which says everything about where Democrats are. He is running around selling novelty merch, trolling Trump on X, and playing the smarmy smart guy on cable news. But Californians remember something else. When wildfires were tearing through communities, Newsom stood by and let the state burn. Critics have long whispered that he was more interested in clearing land for developers and green cronies than protecting the people who actually live there. Inaction and negligence cost lives and homes, but now he wants all of America to reward him with the presidency.

This is a never before seen video of the Pacific Palisades fire. It was given to Spencer Pratt by a resident today who forgot he had it and posted

– Gavin Newsom let Los Angeles burn
– Laundered fire victims aid money to his NGO
– He’s working to steal their land. It’s insane pic.twitter.com/HbQaNUbeDb

— Wall Street Apes (@WallStreetApes) September 1, 2025

Sure, he polls well with Democrats who live on oat milk and avocado toast. But in the Rust Belt? Newsom plays like a parody of the coastal elite. If Democrats think the road to victory runs through San Francisco values and suspicious wildfire politics, they deserve the electoral wipeout waiting for them.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Serious Firepower, Dangerous Politics

Sliding into second place is Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the face of the progressive Left and the only person on this list who could actually ignite a movement. She already proved her influence by helping usher Zohran Mamdani to a New York mayoral primary win, a man whose platform reads like The Strange Death of Europe come to life. That alone should terrify Democrats clinging to the idea of being a mainstream party.

AOC has charisma. She commands a massive online following. When she shows up, she fills arenas like a rock star. But here is the catch: her agenda is political cyanide in the swing states. Medicare for All, the Green New Deal, abolishing ICE, and a federal jobs guarantee are not Middle America material. It is a recipe for driving independents straight into the arms of the GOP.

The New York congresswoman drives plenty of Republican voters to apoplexy, of course. But voters who are even somewhat sympathetic to her policies view her as a charismatic and politically courageous figure who can take the fight to the GOP rather than getting stuck on defense.

Still only 35, Ocasio-Cortez is easily the most prominent Democratic politician of her generation, with an enormous social media following. – The Hill

So yes, AOC is a serious contender. But serious in the way a wildfire is serious, loud, hot, destructive, and leaving scorched earth in her wake. Democrats can pretend she is their future, but nominating her would be like wrapping the party in a “Kick Me” sign and handing JD Vance the Sharpie.

Kamala Harris: The Rematch Nobody Asked For

Out of all the Democratic 2028 presidential contenders, Harris might be the most delusional. Coming in third is former Vice President Kamala Harris. Remember her? The woman who just lost to Trump in a historic landslide? She is now out on a book tour to promote 107 Days. Catchy title, right? Except it sounds less like a campaign memoir and more like “107 Days of Excuses” or “107 Days on How to Lose a Campaign.” What’s next, the audiobook version read entirely in nervous giggles?

How is someone who couldn’t win after being handed the vice presidency, a debate stage, and wall-to-wall media coverage supposed to come back and ask Democrats for another shot? Unless she is off getting a brain transplant that I don’t know about, the answer is she can’t. The Hill wants us to believe she is a top contender. Honestly, what has their newsroom been smoking? Voters already watched her stumble in 2020, fumble in 2024, and laugh her way through questions she couldn’t answer. Democrats lining up behind Harris again would be like buying a used car from the same dealership that already sold you a lemon.

JB Pritzker: All Bluster and Bloat

Illinois Governor JB Pritzker keeps popping up on these lists, but the question is why. His record at home is a mess. Chicago’s crime problem has exploded on his watch. Taxes keep climbing, businesses keep leaving, and regular families keep getting squeezed. His big move when Trump suggested sending in the National Guard? He threatened to sue, because apparently protecting his own citizens is “un-American.”

That is not leadership. That is theater. And the idea that the man who cannot manage Illinois is ready to manage the United States is laughable.

The Benchwarmers: Whitmer, Shapiro, Wes Moore, and Buttigieg

Next up, we have more governors and the guy still trying to upgrade from “Mayor Pete.” Gretchen Whitmer, Josh Shapiro, Wes Moore, and Pete Buttigieg. Four names that keep popping up on lists like this, yet none of them can break through as national heavyweights.

Whitmer’s most memorable moment was ducking behind a folder in the Oval Office like a teenager avoiding eye contact with the teacher. Shapiro is so tangled in his party’s Israel-Palestine meltdown that he looks like a man standing in quicksand. Wes Moore is basically the store-brand Gavin Newsom: same packaging, none of the appeal. And Buttigieg? He’s still coasting on the nickname “Mayor Pete,” as if running South Bend, Indiana prepared him to run the country. His stint as Transportation Secretary only reminded people that the supply chain can collapse just as fast as his polling with black voters.

If these are the Democratic 2028 presidential contenders, Republicans don’t have much to worry about.

The Democrats don’t have a deep bench. They have a shallow pool of Instagram influencers, failed candidates, and coastal elites. If this is the best they can do for 2028, President Trump’s successor, whoever it may be, should be sleeping pretty soundly at night.

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