Oh, CNN, how do I love thee! Not because you provide round-the-clock, critical news coverage I crave, and not because of your incredibly insightful commentary. No, CNN, your news coverage and editorials are painful. Old Bay seasoning in the eye painful. Lawrence Taylor landing on Joe Theismann’s leg in slow motion painful. Ground glass enema painful.

No, I love CNN because it’s pathetic, desperate attempts at relevance and “wokeness” have turned into a snortworthy spectacle, during which normal people grab a tub of pop corn (and the Parkland gun grabber kids get their tub of Tide pods).

CNN’s latest sad undertaking at tying violence to RAAAAAACISM in this dark age of Trump was quashed by actual facts, because the victims of Sunday’s explosions in Austin were white. But CNN is never one to let facts stand in the way of promoting Teh Narrative™, so it decided to run with the race angle anyway.

You see, a 75-year-old Hispanic woman opened one of the packages containing the explosives, and she was significantly injured. The other victims were black, causing certain concern trolls to do what concern trolls do: assume that the motivation of the perpetrator was racism…

…until yesterday, because the victims were white. But apparently CNN doesn’t consider white to be a race; nor do the highly educated and “woke” CNN journowhores believe whites can be victims of racism.

Now, if I were a betting woman, I would lay pretty good odds that whoever is leaving these explosives all over the city has been inspired by ISIS. I mean, it’s not like media products from ISIS and other Salafist scum aren’t readily available online to inspire new generations of would-be jihadists! It’s not like ISIS doesn’t have instructions online teaching would-be followers how to make explosives and target innocents here in the US. And it’s not like at least one homegrown violent extremist attack hasn’t already taken place this year.

But I’m not supposed to say that, right? Because Islam is a religion of peace, and we can’t tar all Muslims with the broad brush of terrorism!

I wonder what CNN will report if the perpetrator is caught, and it turns out he’s been radicalized by ISIS propaganda videos!

BREAKING: CNN Exclusive! The suspect arrested and charged with leaving explosive devices all over the city of Austin was a lonely, misunderstood *insert victimized minority here,* who was bullied by racist Trump supporters on his college campus, was misunderstood by his peers, and found solace in the online teachings of the late al-Qa’ida spokesman Anwar al Awlaqi (peace be upon him), whom the US murdered in cold blood in a drone attack (although it was in no way Barack Obama’s fault, as he would never murder American citizens in drone attacks; it must have been evil rethuglicans hiding in the bowels of the Pentagon). The suspect’s attorneys confirm he plans to plead “not guilty” by virtue of mental disease or defect, due to the constant abuse he faced from Trump-supporting white people.

Trust me, if there’s any way to blame white people for acts of unspeakable horror, CNN will find it.

Bet on it!