Well, Hunter Biden and his legal team have definitely tried every trick in the book to get his gun charges dismissed. It didn’t work.

As our regular readers will remember, Hunter Biden nearly walked away with the sweetest of sweetheart deals, rolling his tax charges and gun charges together, until Judge Maryellen Noreika began asking questions. When that deal imploded in court, all bets were off. Special Counsel David Weiss then ended up charging Hunter separately in California for tax evasion, but only after Hunter’s attorneys tried to claim the original plea deal was still enforceable. A judge did not buy that argument, and the case is proceeding.

But the gun charges went to the Delaware court and Judge Noreika, despite Hunter and his attorneys trying to get himself out of this one as well, by claiming that this was “vindictive prosecution.” And when I say he tried every trick in the book… he even tried to claim that prosecuting him on gun charges was akin to being a child of Tsar Nicholas II being murdered. Just read Professor Jonathan Turley’s summary of Hunter’s filing from January, in which he claims he is the most oppressed person on the face of the planet.

Hunter Biden is comparable to children in Japanese internment camps, to undocumented immigrants, to the murdered descendants of the Tsar.

At least that’s what he argues in a new court filing in his federal gun case, which presents Hunter as one of the most tragic figures since the fall of Troy. Literally.

The brief starts by asking the court to ignore Hunter’s own admissions as to his use of drugs during the period of his gun ownership. As discussed in earlier columns, Hunter faces a serious problem in proving a prior defense by his counsel Abbe Lowell.

Last October, Lowell argued that Hunter had not lied on ATF Form 4473 when he indicated he was not an unlawful user of, or addicted to, narcotics: “At the time that he purchased this gun, I don’t think there’s evidence that that’s when he was suffering.”

The problem is that Hunter discussed his roaring addiction in his book, Beautiful Things: A Memoir, which he has used to excuse years of alleged influence peddling and an array of possible crimes from drug use to sex trafficking to tax offenses. The narrative was pushed by his counsel and picked up by the media which showered him with praise for his courage.

Now, however, counsel wants the Court to forget the admissions such as Hunter admitted that he was “drinking a quart of vodka a day by yourself in a room is absolutely, completely debilitating” as was “smoking crack around the clock.” He describes his addiction as running up to the announcement of his father for presidential election.

The book is not his only problem. Recently, the government has revealed that, when it recovered the gun after its was discarded near a school, the gun pouch was coated in cocaine.

Lowell expressed outrage that the government would cite his client’s own words or cite the fact that his gun pouch looked like it came from the desk of Tony Montana.

Calling the use of his client’s words “despicable,” Lowell suggests that the prosecutors “should visit an Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous meeting.” If that was not bizarre enough, he then describes Hunter’s other towering burden: being the son of one of the most powerful people on Earth.

Again I ask: who is paying Abbe Lowell’s bills? This was the best he could come up with? But oh, it gets better:

In a brief that borders on delusional, Biden’s lawyers say the son of the president who burned through millions from influence peddling is comparable to all those unfortunate and destitute souls.

While the media has endlessly covered how Donald Trump’s arguments are over-the-top in issues such as immunity, there appears to be comparably little interest in the president’s son’s self-aggrandizing demand for dismissal of his criminal charges.

One of the filing’s main arguments is that Hunter Biden is being selectively prosecuted because of his father.

Hunter profited massively from the Biden name, but now, his lawyer Abbe Lowell argues, he’s suffering from the “burden” of parentage.

To back up this argument, Lowell cites Plyler v. Doe, a case involving the providing of free education to the children of illegal immigrants, to say that the Constitution, “prevents the government from inflicting harm on children for the conduct of their parents.”

That’s right, Joe Biden is like an undocumented migrant father who carried his kid over the border for a better life.

Hunter also cites cases involving children born out of wedlock in need of court protection. The argument is particularly ironic since Hunter Biden fought to prevent his daughter Navy Joan from using his last name.

Perhaps the most insulting analogy is to the treatment of children in Japanese internment camps.

Hunter quotes the dissent in the infamous Korematsu v. United States in describing how the government in that case was attempting “to make an otherwise innocent act a crime merely because this prisoner is the son of parents as to whom he had no choice, and belongs to a race from which there is no way to resign.”

It is not exactly the image that comes to mind in photos of Hunter in high-priced hotels surrounded by prostitutes and a Smörgåsbord of narcotics.

It then gets even weirder. Hunter tells the court that it is precisely “great privilege” that makes children like him “the target of animus for that very reason . . . History is replete with children of political figures being abducted and assassinated literally (e.g., murder of Romanov children by Russian revolutionaries) or figuratively (e.g., Odysseus murdering the son of Crown Prince Hector when sacking Troy).”

There seems to be no victim in history who was not a precursor to Hunter.

I’m sure everyone reading this litany of woe will be shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that Judge Noreika was unmoved by these arguments. On Friday afternoon, the judge rejected all of the arguments from Hunter Biden and his legal team.

In three separate filings Friday, U.S. District Judge Maryellen Noreika denied the defense’s argument that the case should be dropped because of “vindictive prosecution,” rejected Biden’s claim that Weiss was illegally elevated into the special counsel role and invalidated his motion to dismiss because of immunity conferred by a now-defunct plea deal.

The judge, appointed by former President Trump, has not yet ruled on Biden’s constitutional challenge to his charges under the 2nd Amendment.

Noreika said in her ruling that Hunter Biden’s legal team did not provide concrete evidence to back up their claims that outside influences tainted the special counsel’s decision to pursue the case.

“The pressure campaign from Congressional Republicans may have occurred around the time that Special Counsel decided to move forward with indictment instead of pretrial diversion, but the Court has been given nothing credible to suggest that the conduct of those lawmakers (or anyone else) had any impact on Special Counsel,” she wrote. “It is all speculation.”

As of right now, the trial for the gun charges is due to start the week of June 3rd, and the tax felony trial in California could be taking place right after that, possibly running into mid-July. The Democrat National Convention in Chicago is scheduled to start August 19th. Hunter Biden could be convicted in two federal felony trials, back-to-back, before the convention. Now, I am sure there are readers who will happily remind us all that Hunter is not Joe, and Joe is the one being nominated. But these are not the optics that the Biden campaign is looking for, especially when Hunter got a prominent role during the 2020 convention. Or will the dead Beau Biden be used yet again to introduce his father?

I am also sure that readers will remind us that Donald Trump is going to be on trial before long in New York, in the admittedly flimsy Stormy Daniels hush money case. Remember that the star witness in that case is Michael Cohen, whom a judge pointed out lied on the stand during Trump’s civil fraud trial. I don’t think Trump’s lawyers are going to miss the opportunity to point out that Michael Cohen has perjured himself before. The assumption has always been that Trump would be convicted because the trial is being held in New York. What if the case is so bad, and the star witness so terrible, that Alvin Bragg fails to get a conviction? And then we get the circus of not one, but two trials for Hunter Biden on opposite coasts?

Hunter Biden has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at the court. Maybe he should have included the kitchen sink. It couldn’t have been any more ridiculous than what he and his lawyers did try. Judge Noreika was not swayed by the “poor little Hunter” argument. I hope his legal defense comes up with some new and interesting tales of oppression and suffering for the actual trial.

Featured image: original Victory Girls art by Darleen Click