Victory Girls 2013 Awards

Victory Girls 2013 Awards

{This Awards blog is a collaborative effort among all the Victory Girls. I want to offer a big THANKS to fellow bloggers Deanna and Melanie for their efforts.}

We aren’t particularly sorry to see 2013 in the rear-view mirror. It was a year of highs and lows—with the lows seemingly much more prevalent at times. So to usher in the new year, we here at Victory Girls are celebrating the end of 2013 by announcing our First Annual Victory Girls Awards.

We’ll start off with the Entertainment category:

The “Marrying and Having Babies with Men Whose Names Begin with a K” award goes to Kim Kardashian. There’s something special about that K consistency. And having a baby with Kanye…because what else does he bring to the table besides a K name? Together, Kim and Kanye win the “STFU and Go Raise Your Kid” award, along with “Worst Celebrity Baby Name of 2013.” We here at Victory Girls send you our profound sympathies, North West.

“The Celebrity Most In Need of Adult Parental Guidance and a Tongue Scrubber” award goes to Miley Cyrus. Two words: AMA Awards. We will never look at a styrofoam finger the same way again. And the twerking goes without saying. Take a shower and clean up your act, Hannah Montana!”

“The Biggest Cojones” award goes to the Phil Robertson family of “Duck Dynasty.” They were bullied, insulted, and generally smeared…and they didn’t back down.

The “Captain Obvious” award goes to Brian Boitano and his “I’m Gay!” announcement. First, who cares? Second, didn’t he come out about ten years ago?

The second category is Liberal Asshats:

The “Most Tolerant—NOT!” award goes to GLAAD and other gay activist groups. “You MUST bow down to our whim and wants or else because we are GAY! GAY uber alles!”

The “Bitterest Liberal Feminazi Who Is Likely to Die Surrounded—and Then Eaten By—Her Cats” award goes to Amanda Marcotte. Though she might even be too tough and bitter for the cats to chew. Meow.

The “Don’t Let the Door Hit You on Your Way Out” award goes to Martin Bashir, formerly of MSNBC. Not that MSNBC had the guts to actually say that they fired him.

The “Biggest Global Warming Loser” award goes to Al Gore. But then he’s got a whole truckload of Al Jazeera greenbacks to keep his cockles all warm and toasty.

The “Biggest Dork in Pajamas” award goes to Ethan Krupp. “Let’s all sit around in our flannel jammies and sip tepid cocoa while we discuss the need for yearly prostate exams,” said…no real man ever.

Our third category is President Obama. Okay, we know he could’ve gone under Liberal Asshats, but Obama is the gift that keeps on giving. Year…after year…after year. He deserves his very own category.

The “Backing the Wrong Team” award goes to Obama for backing the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt. Even EGYPT has recognized the Muslim Brotherhood as a terrorist organization. Wait, aren’t they just “folks who want to cause mischief?”

The “Biggest Jackass” award goes to Obama for closing the WWII Memorial to a bunch of ninety-year-old veterans. They stormed Normandy with guns…they took back their own memorial with wire cutters.

The “Biggest Dumbass” award goes to Obama for his selfie with the Prime Minister of Denmark at Nelson Mandela’s memorial. In front of his wife. We’re not big Michelle Obama fans here, but we hope she makes him sleep on the Oval Office couch for a few months for that one.

The “Biggest Lie” award goes to Obama for his repeated promise of “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.” An Honorable Mention goes to Politifact for calling it the “Lie of the Year” after initially calling that particular promise “half true.”

And now, in case you think this year didn’t have its bright spots, we now have our Classy Moments category:

The “Living Life to the Fullest” award goes to Valerie Harper, who competed in “Dancing With the Stars” after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis. May we all go out dancing bravely, no matter what life throws at us.

The “Most Awesome Gesture” award goes to President George H.W. Bush, for shaving his head in solidarity with two-year-old Patrick, the son of one of Bush’s Secret Service agents who is fighting leukemia—the same disease that claimed the life of the president’s daughter Robin when she was three years old. It brought tears to all our eyes.

The “Most Fearless Decision” award goes to Angelina Jolie, who decided to have a double mastectomy after learning that she carried the BRCA1 gene for breast cancer. People can debate if she made the right choice or not, but we here at Victory Girls honor her for her absolute fearlessness in going forward with the surgery and then sharing her story.

The “Ghoul of the Year” award goes to convicted infant murderer Kermit Gosnell. Not only did he willingly murder newborn babies for money—and allow one woman to die because of his appalling negligence—he kept the severed feet of his infant victims in jars in his clinic. There is a special place in hell waiting for him.

And lastly, the “Words We Hope to Never Hear Again” category!”

“Twerk,” “Selfie,” “Epic,” and “Totes.”

And that wraps up our Victory Girls Awards for 2013. We are certain that 2014 will offer just as many opportunities for the VG’s to acknowledge the best and the worst of the world around us. We look forward to writing about the quirky, outrageous, insane, and loveable things people will do in 2014 that will make next year’s awards even better! Here’s to a new year! And a big THANK YOU to all our loyal readers and commenters for being a part of this blog!

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