In a few days, the pain will stop. The pain, that is, of awful and most heinous Christmas songs. I already know that I am going to Hell. Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said that I was going to Hell because I didn’t support Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. My friends and I are renting a party bus.

We won’t be listening to Christmas Songs on the bus. They are headache inducing.

I hereby propose that the following Christmas songs have achieved a level of heinousness that would cause my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to shove a dreidel directly in his brain. Jesus probably doesn’t mind the “Dreidel Song”, he is gonna get Adam Sandler for the “Hanukkah Song”, for sure. Sorry, I got off track there. Jesus celebrated Hanukkah and, my mind wandered away.

Here they are. The most heinous Christmas songs ever. I’ve provided links in case you are a masochist.

1. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” – This one’s a gimme. Even my toothless Appalachian Relations hate this song, it’s so heinous.

2. “Someday at Christmas” by Stevie Wonder – Political Christmas songs hurt the Baby Jesus’s heart. F’realz. The song actually has nothing to do with Christmas, except it’s in the title. This song is heinously Progressive. Ugh.

3. “Do They Know Christmas” by Band Aid – This song is heinous on multiple levels. Do-gooder celebs milking emotions write a song about Africa and know nothing about Africa. I hear this song and want to scream, “There will be snow in parts of Africa this Christmas, you bottom feeding half-wits”. You could write a song with the lyrics, “There won’t be snow in Miami this Christmas” and be equally heinous. And, see above, political Christmas songs hurt the Baby Jesus’s heart.

4. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey – Actually, I hate everything by Mariah Scary. Oooo, baby, I sure do. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing. Mariah Carey yells and screeches. This song is very popular. I hate it. It’s heinous and must never be played again.

5. “The Christmas Song” made popular by Nat King Cole – You know, “Chestnuts roasting on a open fire.” Yes, I hate that one. This song could cause you to go into a sugar coma. If this song comes on, get the insulin pump ready.

6. “Mary, Did You Know?” – written by Mark Lowry and sung by anyone. Mary knew. It’s in the Bible. When people in the Bible weren’t begetting, they were prophesying. Mary knew, Joseph knew, cousin Elizabeth knew. They all knew. There is an even more special place in Hell for Pentatonix and their version. If God doesn’t hate me too much, he won’t put Pentatonix near me in our special places in Hell.

7. “Happy Xmas/War is Over” by John Lennon – as stated above political Christmas songs hurt the Baby Jesus’s heart. This one gave him colic too.

8. “Santa Clause Is Coming to Town” by Bruce Springsteen – I am not a Springsteen fan. He always sounds constipated to me. He just didn’t need to do this. And, Sirius XM should never play it again.

9. “Away in a Manger” by anyone – I included the John Denver version here, but they are all heinous. Listen to the song and tell me that you don’t want to run screaming from the room.

and finally, the one I hate the most:

10. “The Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” by Bing Crosby and David Bowie – You have no idea how much I hate hating this heinous song. Could there be two better voices blending together than Bing Crosby and David Bowie? The answer is No. I don’t care for “The Little Drummer Boy” all by its lonesome. When the song is combined with “Peace on Earth”, it could induce serious mental conditions. Baby Jesus’s heart is hurt and he hates fascists. Look at the words:

Every child must be made aware
Every child must be made to care
Care enough for his fellow man
To give all the love that he can

“Must be made.” Oh, I don’t think so. This song is heinous.

There are many, many more heinous Christmas songs. These are the worst offenders. They cause a headache every time they are played.

Merry Christmas. Just don’t sing it to me.