We’re all pleased that five Americans are returning home after being freed from prison by Iran, as announced Saturday morning. The release — in exchange for eight Iranians held by the United States on sanctions violations — was made known prior to confirmation that sanctions would be lifted against Iran.

But this Iran Deal reminds me of a Bad Romance (cue Lady Gaga), the abusive kind where one partner keeps trying to please the other, gets smacked down, and keeps coming back when the least bit of kindness is shown, no matter how manipulative the “kindness” may be.

On Saturday, the United Nation’s International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) said in a statement that “Iran has carried out all measures required under the (July deal) to enable Implementation Day (of the deal) to occur.” In return, the United States, European Union, and the United Nations have lifted nuclear sanctions, and have pledged to return some $100 billion in frozen assets.

Secretary of State John Kerry crowed, “I hereby confirm that the International Atomic Energy Agency has verified that Iran has fully implemented its required commitments… The US sanctions-related commitments… are now in effect.”

This is the once-proud United States, trying to make nice to the bad boyfriend it so wants to attract.

Oh, but the White House has stated that they’ve been able to control Bad Boy Iran through negotiations.

Thanks to the #IranDeal, Iran's four pathways to a nuclear weapon have been blocked → https://t.co/3PJ1t0Zk7U pic.twitter.com/IvvB4INuRm

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) January 17, 2016

Why, thanks to the Iran Deal, the US just might update its Facebook status to “in a relationship with Iran.” Or something.