Last night, I came across an article about how to raise “mentally strong kids” that had me rolling my eyes so hard, they’re still being batted around on the floor by the cats. While I’m all for doing whatever you can as a parent to raise you child to be mentally and emotionally strong, you also have to prepare them for the real world–something too many educators and so-called mental health experts seem to have have forgotten.

This list appears in a post on Make It, part of the CNBC umbrella. The author of the post, even open with what could be considered a universal truth, at least in a perfect world: “Every  parent wants their children to be happy and successful.”

And that brings us to the list put together by psychotherapist Amy Morin. Buckle your seat belts, my friends, because this will be a bumpy ride.

The first thing a parent is never to do is tell a kid to “calm down!”. Instead, you are to say something along the lines of “I see you’re really angry right now,” and then discuss the matter as your kid is having a meltdown in the middle of the supermarket aisle or at church–or anywhere else for that matter. According to Morin, we should let the child know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, but that they should also pay attention to what they are doing with those feelings.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when my then two- or three-year-old had a meltdown, much of the time he didn’t know why he was so angry. Heck, an older child often doesn’t know the underlying reason, especially if they are overly tired or over-stimulated or hungry, etc. Trying to talk sense to them may be next to impossible in such a situation. So telling them to calm down is the first indication they have that they need to breathe deeply, take a moment and figure out what’s going on.

No, you shouldn’t yell at them to calm down. But calmly telling them to do so? Shrug.

Another thing parents aren’t supposed to say is, “You’ll do fine”. According to Morin, that is tantamount to setting them up for failure. After all, you, as a parent, aren’t able to see into the future. By telling them they will do fine on that test or project or in the upcoming game is tantamount to telling them they don’t have to worry about anything. Then, when they don’t do fine, you not only have lost credibility with them, but it will hurt their confidence. Instead, Morin wants you to say, ‘Get out there and do your best. And if it doesn’t go well, that’s OK. We’ll deal with that too.”

Sorry, but no. If you want to add a qualifier onto the “You’ll do fine,” then add something like “You’ll do fine if you’ve studied/practiced/whatever. All I’m asking is that you do your best.” By adding the “if it doesn’t go well, you are already undermining their confidence by telling them you know–and possibly expect–them not to do well on whatever the activity is. That is a big NOPE! in my book.

Another example of things not to say is “Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again.” This statement, in Morin’s eyes, is bad because she says kids are sneaky and if you tell them this, they will simply try harder to hide what they are doing. Her alternative is to say something like “You’re going to do this again, and you’re going to be tempted to hide it and cover it up. Here’s what we could do instead.”

My issue with this is there are no consequences attached to the bad or questionable behavior. In fact, if you look at Morin’s list of alternative things to say, consequences are never (or at least rarely) mentioned. I don’t know about you, but I have a huge problem with this. We need to teach our kids there are consequences to their actions and those consequences can sometimes have a negative impact. More on this later.

Parents are also not supposed to tell a child what they’ve done is “perfect” or that they–the kid–is the best. In both, she believes the child will start believing they will only receive praise (possibly even love?) if they do something perfectly. While I have an aversion to most generalities, praising a child for getting a 100 on an assignment, especially if it is in a subject they often struggle with is going to do nothing more than raise their confidence and sense of self-worth. That’s especially true if you manage to tie the “perfect” score with their actions that led up to it. Something along the lines of “See, you put in the work and all that hard work paid off.” Action, reaction, consequence–in this case a positive consequence.

I have no doubt, Morin had good interests at heart when she came up with this list. However, it is too general. It paints as the goal making your child feel good without teaching them about consequences. In fact, in at least one case, she offers what many children would see as a reward for what most people would see as questionable, if not bad, behavior.

When talking about how parents shouldn’t tell kids to calm down, she goes on to say that part of the “discussion” about their feelings, etc., you should:

Teach them what to do when you’re [the child–ASG–is] angry,” Morin says. “So instead of throwing something or yelling, maybe you color a picture or you go outside and run or you listen to music for a few minutes.”

What?

Throw a fit, toss a temper tantrum and you get “punished” by being allowed to go outside to play or you can shut yourself off from the world while you listen to music.

Yeah, no.

While I agree whole-heartedly that parents should carefully consider their words before correcting a child, I also believe in consequence. Just as a parent shouldn’t threaten to rip a kid’s face off (and, yes, I’ve heard parents say variations of this), especially in the heat of anger, parents should also teach their children there are negative consequences to bad behavior.

Part of the problem with so many young people right now is they don’t face consequences while in school. Many school districts have gone to policies where students don’t have to turn in homework. Failure to do so will still garner half-credit. FOR DOING NOTHING. Young men (in general) walk around college campuses fearful of being accused of harassing a young woman because they know they will be assumed guilty until proven innocent. In those situations where they are found innocent and the accuser is found to have lied, too often the accuser faces no punishment for the bad action of making a false report. Too bad they’ve already ruined the young man’s reputation and academic career at that university.

Morin’s list assumes the child in question is 1) old enough to have a conversation and understand all the causations and implications of their behavior, 2) will respond to positive reinforcement and never find themselves in a situation as an adult where things actually have a negative consequence. That is a disservice to our children. They need to be taught their actions do have consequences and those consequences can come back and bite them on the butt.

The lesson to take from this? Pay attention to your kids, to what they are doing and saying and why. When they act out, appropriately react to what is happening. Keep them from causing harm to themselves or others (including property and animals). Calm them down without losing your temper. Don’t say anything to them you don’t mean and that you can’t actually do (without ending up in prison or worse). Punish them appropriately based on their age and level of understanding, not to mention the seriousness of their actions. Failure to do any of this will undermine their mental and emotional strength and it will set them up for failure as adults.

Our job as parents is to guide and teach our children. Not pat them on the head and tell them by our lack of reaction (ie consequences) that they can do whatever they want, so long as they use these alternate coping mechanisms.

Here is the caveat: the linked article is the shorthand version of what Morin published in her book “13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success“. I’ll admit, reading some of the review on Amazon, I wonder if the article’s author did Morin and her list of what not to say a disservice. I leave it to you to read the article and decide whether to read the book. 

Featured Image: Young child throwing a temper tantrum. Created using Midjourney AI by Amanda S. Green.