Dear Girls,

The past weeks’ events have been on my mind for quite some time and I need to say something. As I woke up with a cup of coffee last month on my 55th trip around the sun, I came across a news article about a young woman who was gang-raped at an Ivy League school.

The story begins innocently enough. A young woman, living her best life at an Ivy League school. She goes out with her sorority for a night of fun with her “sisters”, gets drunk and decides to head over to her current crush’s frat party. The night begins with consent, ends with consent. Even days later, the consent is still there (my body, my choice asf) but turns sour after some remorse from sleeping with, like, more than one guy and, of course, getting disinvited to the event of the fall season (Halloweekend). Now, there’s a lawsuit. Lives on both sides ruined.

Believe All Women, They Say. Okay. Boys are Bad.

Then, there was the uproar about Shane Gillis’ gym girls remark. How dare he say that women dress inappropriately at the gym! And, guys, you had better not be staring at women who show up to the gym in tight shorts revealing their buttocks and God knows what else. They are to be treated with respect, not as though they are wh*res. They’re not being thirst traps. They just need to get their workout on.

Yep. See? Boys. Bad.

Then, came the story out of UC Santa Barbara about the black sorority girl who was not on the roster to be at recruiting events. Why? Because a FEMALE alum was placed in charge of recruitment and thought it was a “bad look” to have the (very pretty) young woman of color talking to potential new recruits. They even wrote her out of the recruitment dance routine which involved a bunch of young (white women) shaking their stuff sans the stripper pole.

Boys are still bad. Even though a fair amount of these girls do all of this to get the attention of the very sex they find to be the root of all evil when it suits them.

Now, I’m not saying young women should walk around wearing baggy potato sacks being void of sex appeal or expect to be sexually assaulted because she chose to show a little cleavage. I am also not writing this to disparage young women at all. Quite the opposite, actually. These women are daughters, sisters, friends and some, will eventually be mothers. This is why what I am about to say may be harsh, but it is important.

The Liberal Sexual Revolution of Women Did Nothing For Us

Dearest of Girls, the sexual revolution did us no favors whatsoever. We got to sleep with whomever we wanted. We got to dress however we wanted. It was our body, our choice asf. Believe me, I know how you feel as a 20-something college student because I felt the same way back then, too. If only I knew then what I know now. I am grateful to this very day for some of my friends who hauled me out of a share of house parties and bars, away from suspicious characters. In fact, I have done the same for them. I may have dumped some drinks on a few key jackasses in this play, but that’s another story. Thank God for true friends in some wild times.

I know this may be a buzzkill, girls, but being better means not getting obliterated and drunk out of your mind. This means saying “no” to drugs. This means getting your damn priorities straight. And yes, this sometimes means holding off on engaging with someone sexually (especially if you are both drunk and high). This also means leaving a little to imagination. You know, going to the gym to actually WORK OUT and not with the goal of having some beefcake gawk at your ass and getting subsequently pissed when the beefcake respectfully looks away and the dirty old man makes a move instead. And, maybe not shaking all of the goods for everyone to see on TikTok and subsequently crying about how you are a woman of substance, you actually have a brain and want to be treated with due respect. It is not expecting all of these boys who invite you to their parties to be “gentlemen” because they wear suits in one social media picture with the caption that reads “True Men of Character” or something equally as banal. But, young women, do note that respect is earned and darn it, it you are going to command it, you’ve gotta start holding your heads up high.

Stop the Toxic Culture of “Pick Me”

This goes beyond abolishing organizations on campus-which I do not believe would be effective. Social, philanthropic and academic orgs have their place, so I am not crying out like the purple hairs to abolish Greek Life on college campuses or anything of the sort. But commanding respect goes beyond the college parties and the gym clothes and the stupid dance routines. The girls putting out, drinking and doing drugs on Saturday night, wearing the booty shorts at the gym and dancing in what looks like High School 2.0 cheerleading routines are still trying to find themselves, I do not fault them. They have not yet built the foundation in confidence they need to forge ahead in this world and be individuals. They still cling to the pack.

Fraternities in some of these narratives have been largely to blame here while sororities get a pass, which, to me, is curious. I feel these organizations have majorly lost their way. So, this is where the older generation comes in. And this is where I am looking hard at administration who conveniently looks away, alumni of universities and organizations and advisors to these philanthropic “sisterhoods” that these young girls place such an importance on being involved in during their college years. This is where I am looking at other moms. It’s hard to “steadfastly love one another” when you let your “sister” get obliterated at a bar and then walk to a frat house by herself. It’s hard to be “friends and leaders for life” when you see another woman at said frat house, blottoed, going upstairs to a potentially dangerous situation and saying absolutely nothing (or, alternatively, talking smack about her). It’s hard to have “union, hand in hand” when an older member (or members) of your “sisterhood” blatantly try to be the mean girl(s) and exclude because, like, “appearances”. It’s hard to be respectable in the world of “pick me”. It’s hard to be an independent woman of virtue and character when mom is encouraging the girl to be “picked” and, weeks later, channeling her inner MILF and doing shots, twerking to the sick beats at the frat house on parents’ weekend because “Dads Welcome, Moms Encouraged”.

You can be a Homecoming Queen 2.0 or a Real Queen. It’s Up to You.

To all of this, girls, (and women), I say, freaking do better. Expect better. And, when you do and expect better, better will follow you. Who knows? If a girl were to see and know better, she may not end up with the douchebag trust fund baby who is a raging alcoholic and cheats on her for a “better model” at the Homecoming game after she whips out two of his kids. She may live her life not worried about it being one huge, superficial Instagram reel or dance competition. She may actually go to the gym and not give a crap about how she looks there when she is breaking a sweat. She may not give a #*ck about getting invited to the Chi Phi Haloween party. She may realize that there is life beyond college and that college is a stepping stone to a bright future, should she choose to use the opportunities wisely. And, to the older women? You can do better, too. Our girls are watching. Start with your daughters. Break the cycle and the culture of toxicity and teach them to do the same. Do better, expect better. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In the meantime, us boy moms with (normal) sons will just be praying for all of this to pass.

Photo Credit: Snyder, Frank R. Flickr: Miami U. Libraries – Digital Collections, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons/Cropped