Apparently, what Congress really needs isn’t another ethics committee. It needs a cold shower. Lauren Boebert is facing a new ethics complaint accusing her of sexual relationships with three members of her staff, and somehow that isn’t even the strangest part of this story.

Boebert denies the whole thing. And as for the allegations involving two female staffers? Her defense? She says she’s not a lesbian. There’s also an alleged $200,000 payment, and a longtime Boebert antagonist. Behind the complaint, and because apparently this story wasn’t ridiculous enough already, plenty more are waiting in the wings. Good grief. Somebody turn on the cold water.

Isn’t it funny how these “bombshell” ethics complaints drop right when ballots are about to go out?

​A partisan PAC that has spent years obsessing over Lauren Boebert suddenly conjures up unverified office affair rumors six weeks before midterm voting.

​The playbook is… pic.twitter.com/Jzv5eoHB60

— Desiree (@DesireeAmerica4) September 19, 2026

Enter The Perez Hilton Of Capitol Hill

The man behind all of this is David Wheeler, president and co-founder of American Muckrakers, a political group that has been going after Boebert for years.

Wheeler alleges Boebert had relationships with former district director Clarice Navarro, district chief of staff Raven Finegan, and former chief of staff Jeffrey Small.

The House has rules against members having sexual relationships with employees they supervise. Apparently please keep your pants on around the staff had to be officially addressed.

Wheeler has made sensational allegations about Boebert before, including claiming in 2022 that she had once worked as a paid escort. His website even initially used a photo of a woman who wasn’t Boebert, an error Wheeler later admitted was sloppy.

So forgive me if I’m not immediately treating the Perez Hilton of Capitol Hill as Woodward and Bernstein.

Every September of an election year, Republicans find a new way to eat their own. This week it is Lauren Boebert.

Look at the voting record before you pile on. Heritage Action: 100 percent this Congress, 97 percent lifetime. Club for Growth: 100 percent in 2025. The Institute… pic.twitter.com/YjrUCaVQse

— Eric Schwalm (@Schwalm5132) September 19, 2026

Lauren, We Haven’t Forgotten Beetlejuice

Now, before anyone accuses me of pretending Lauren Boebert is some shrinking violet scandalously dragged into all this, please.

We remember Beetlejuice.

In 2023, Boebert and her date were escorted out of a Denver theater after complaints about their behavior, and security footage showed the two getting a little too comfortable with one another during the performance.

So yes, Lauren has previously given America reason to suggest she keep her hands to herself in public.

Wait, There’s More?

Just when you think Wheeler has emptied the entire bag of allegations onto the table, somehow Matt Gaetz wanders into the story.

American Muckrakers also circulated a claim from a source alleging that Boebert and Navarro had a threesome with the former Florida congressman, and that the encounter was captured on video.

I know, y’all. It’s Sunday, and on the Lord’s Day, no less, I’m making you read this mess. My sincerest apologies. Blame Congress.

There is something almost nostalgic about seeing Boebert and Gaetz back together in a headline, even if this is certainly not the reunion anyone asked for.

Remember when those two were making Kevin McCarthy’s life miserable during that endless Speaker battle? Boebert, Gaetz, and Marjorie Taylor Greene were among the loudest Republican firebrands in Washington back then. You never had to wonder whether one of them was going to make news, only which one and how much popcorn you were going to need.

And now look at them. Gaetz is gone. MTG is gone, although she packed her own bags and left. Boebert, meanwhile, had actually managed to keep things relatively quiet for a while.

So naturally, here we are.

Apparently the universe looked around Capitol Hill, realized Lauren Boebert was the last one still standing, and decided her turn was overdue.

Remember When We Had Actual Evidence?

And it’s not as though Capitol Hill is unfamiliar with this sort of behavior. Back in 2023, a young Senate staffer managed to make headlines after an explicit video filmed inside a Senate hearing room made its way onto the internet. Yes, an actual Senate hearing room, because apparently even the office Christmas party wasn’t inappropriate enough.

That particular scandal didn’t require us to chase rumors about some mysterious recording that may or may not exist. The evidence was right there for everyone to see, whether anyone wanted to see it or not. And trust me, nobody needed to see it.

Seriously, Congress. Cold showers. All of you.

Feature Image: Gage Skidmore from Surprise, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons