You may be fairly surprised to see a title like this on what is obviously a conservative site.  Then again, you know what I’m talking about when I say conservatives being mostly worthless.  What are we accomplishing right now?  While there are bright spots here and there (VG readers being one of them, of course), the truth is that conservatives are not getting things done, and in reality, much of the time conservatives are making things worse.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s take a look.

6. Conservatives often have watered down positions that not even they can defend.

Ever heard someone say “I’m personally pro-life and I believe abortion is wrong but I can’t tell someone else they can’t get one.”   Here’s another one: “We need to find a middle ground and compromise between privacy and security.”   These are cowardly positions, regardless of whether you use a philosophical, religious, or scientific rationale.  Either abortion is murder or it isn’t.  Either you understand the Constitution or you don’t.  Pick a side and stand on it, don’t waffle around depending on who you’re talking to.  That goes for any position, not just abortion or gun rights.  Right is right and wrong is wrong.  Stop acting like you’re Liberal Lite, or stop claiming you’re a conservative.

5. Conservatives don’t learn from their mistakes.

What? The guy we voted in is helping to pass liberal bills and trampling our Constitution?  That’s awful.  We should elect him again.  And again.  And maybe one more time.  People like John McCain, John Boehner, and most of the rest of the R-Congress are so far from conservative that they can spout liberal talking points with zero sense of irony…and yet they get elected over and over until they either die or get caught with a mistress.  Then they can just run for governor.

4. Conservatives don’t know the Constitution they claim to believe in.

We’re supposedly the side that believes in the Constitution, yet how many conservatives do you know who can tell you which amendment is the one about speedy trials, or search and seizure?  How many have even read the Federalist Papers? How can you defend the Constitution if you don’t even know what it says?  We claim we expect the government to follow it, but we cannot hold them to something we don’t know ourselves.  At that point it’s just empty words, because we only truly believe what we are willing and able to defend.  It’s ridiculous how often I hear conservatives say things like “I don’t care if the government watches me because I’m doing nothing wrong,” or “Well, no one really needs an assault rifle.”  The best is when I hear a conservative say, “God is in control so I don’t need to worry about all of that.”  Yes, God is in control, but I don’t see these same people standing in the middle of a freeway doing the Macarena in sheer faith.  The Constitution: Learn it, know it, educate others on it.

3. Conservatives are easily distracted by stuff that doesn’t matter.

When I look through my social media, I see a lot of conservatives posting about this celebrity and that feminist and CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAID.  I see a lot of people giving attention to those who deserve none.  Sometimes I’ve even caught myself doing it.   But what does it accomplish?  Are we so shallow that we really care what vapid stream of verbal nothingness came out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s mouth?  Or Amanda Marcotte, or Miley Cyrus, or anyone else?  When conservatives have nothing better to talk about than to repeat every idiotic thing some feminist blowhard says, what happens?  A whole bunch more people run over there to read that liberal’s stuff.  It gives that moron more attention than they deserve, and it distracts a whole bunch of conservatives from the things that matter, like educating themselves on the Constitution they claim to support so much.  Show me a conservative who can tell me what the latest feminist/liberal/celebrity gossip is but can’t formulate a coherent argument on limitations for the federal government with references from the Constitution and Federalist Papers, and I’ll show you a worthless conservative who should just go back to watching TV and leave the heavy lifting to the grown-ups, because they’re dead weight.

2. Conservatives are caught up in ‘busyness’ and get nothing done.

You’ve all seen them.  Invitations to conferences and dinners and brunches and luncheons and events, where there are speakers and food and drink and ‘networking’, all carefully constructed by conservatives who actually think that these things actually count for something.  They love to talk about local party business and piddly little dramas within the various factions of whatever clique they locally belong to.  News flash: My dog accomplishes more in my front yard after he eats than these people do.  But they feel so important and busy and working for the cause.  Do they even know what the cause is?  Not really, but they sure do like to pretend they do.

1. Conservatives have no testicular fortitude.

All of the rest comes down to this: Conservatives do not have the guts to do what needs to be done.  This is why they’re still voting in losers, or getting distracted by stupid pop culture crap, or running around to a hundred meetings that do nothing.  If we had any collective notion of what’s really going on, we’d be a million people deep on the Capitol steps demanding that Congress start doing their job.  We’d be putting up candidates that actually pay more attention to the Constitution than Dancing With the Stars.  We’d be forcing accountability in our government and in ourselves.  We would be worthy of the freedom bought with the blood of American fighting men, and we would be a force to be reckoned with.

But never mind that.  American Idol is on.