Happy GOP Debate Day!

We almost have enough GOP candidates to make up a baseball team, and that makes for a pretty chaotic debate. Every blogger, and their mother, will be writing about the debate today; basically all the bases (intentional pun) are covered, right? I mean, the candidates have been picked apart, the prophets in the White House have told us what the future holds, and the Fortune Tellers have gathered around their crystal balls and snickered at the promised snafus. I have my popcorn ready, and the wine has been told to suit up for the game just in case. Alcohol may not be needed, but one can never be too cautious when Trump is involved.

Side note: After listening to Obama have a meltdown over what the candidates will say concerning his many, many, many failures during his time in the White House, who else thinks Michelle is going to be adding some crushed up Prozac to his applesauce tonight?

We, however, are fully prepared for this circus of fun!

Or are we?

This post might be the most important thing you read concerning the GOP debate tonight, because how can you possibly make an opinion on the candidates without knowing what piece of steel – or durable plastic – they’d be if they were a gun? So without further ado, here are your top 10 candidates, America.

#10: John Kasich

John is a Rossi revolver. Rossi was founded in 1889, so they’ve been around for a long time. Like Kasich, a Rossi revolver is as good as any off brand, but only fanatics know what it is.

#9: Chris Christie 

Chris is a Nerf N-Strike Elite Rhino-Fire Blaster. Pay little attention to the RINO innuendo, it means nothing… honestly, I didn’t mean anything by it *rolls eyes*. Like Christie, this glorious pile of plastic might bruise the enemy, but they won’t be taking a trip to the hospital.

#8: Rand Paul

Ruger 357 Blackhawk, single action – deliberate! It’s pretty, and it’s effective when handled right. It may not hold the number of rounds you’d prefer, but it’s accurate.

#7: Marco Rubio

He’s a Glock 19, no frills, no fuss, just straight forward reliable. You know the saying: Show your Kimber to your friends, show your Glock to your enemies. Rubio’s strongest point is Foreign Policy and – like a Glock – he’s not one to jam.

#6: Ted Cruz

Mr. Cruz is an AR-15, which should have been the most obvious on the list. He packs a punch, has a large magazine of ammo, and everyone likes him at least a little, and most like him a lot. In addition, he makes liberals lose their minds.

#5: Ben Carson

Carson is a Kimber revolver, he’s pretty and you can use him against the enemy, but more than likely you just want to show your friends how awesome he is. He was going to be a Kimber 1911, however, the debate takes place in a city, and we all know how he feels about semi-automatics in cities.

#4: Mike Huckabee

A classic shotgun. He’s not specific, just aim and shoot. Sometimes up in the sky…at nothing in particular.

#3: Scott Walker

Scotty here is a .45 Longslide, with laser sighting. Kick the door in and let ‘er rip; Terminator style. He’s deadly accurate, and looks pretty awesome in the process.

#2: Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush is a cork gun. It feels good to fire that gun, but it feels even better knowing it’s not that dangerous, and knowing you can take it back. The perfect gun for “That’s not what I meant” moments.

#1. Donald Trump

Just this:

He’s loud, he’s proud, and he destroys the enemy… but we’re probably all going to die in the process.

So there you have it, now you’re fully prepared for this evening’s festivities. Remember, choose wisely when deciding on a weapon, and always handle with care.