Many of us here at Victory Girls watched the debate for you, just in case you were busy… Like if you had paint to watch dry or laundry to fold, we had you covered. As the supposed party of youth and diversity ushered out their old white candidates, I found myself hating them for making me miss Joe Biden. So here’s my recap of the debate between Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and those three other guys who never had a chance to begin with. I’ve decided to play by liberal rules, so we won’t have a winner or a loser, I’ll just be handing out participation trophies. A lot of them.

Lincoln Chafee:

Lincoln began with an introduction that read like a resume, which is par for the course. He spoke on the need to address climate change, and prosperity through peace. “I want to end these wars.” Unfortunately, those who decapitate Christians, purchase women to use as sex slaves, and plan suicide bombings in their spare time, don’t feel the same way. He noted that even though he’s hopped party lines, the Republicans left him, his stance on the issues never changed.

CHAFEE: Anderson, you’re looking at a block of granite when it comes to the issues.

However, when Cooper asked Chafee about a yay vote in 1999 that made banks bigger and stronger, his tune changed. After blaming his mistake on being a newbie in the senate, he said Cooper was being a little rough on him.

I could say more about Lincoln Chafee, but to be honest, everything else he said was so boring that I played Angry Birds whenever he was talking. I award Chafee 16 participation trophies out of pity, mostly because he still came back to the stage after the bathroom break.