One day outside of Pride Month, The University of Pennsylvania (Penn) has decided to have a moment of sanity.

The University of Pennsylvania says it will update records set by transgender swimmer Lia Thomas and apologize to female athletes “disadvantaged” by Thomas’ participation on the women’s swimming team, part of a resolution of a federal civil rights case.”-Collin Binkley, AP News

“Disadvantaged” in quotes. Classic AP. Fact: they were indeed disadvantaged by William with his man strength.

The University of Pennsylvania has agreed to ban transgender women from its women's sports teams to resolve a federal civil rights case.

More: https://t.co/uKjn1Qb3PJ pic.twitter.com/D8ZteHVmmv

— ESPN (@espn) July 1, 2025

Oh, ESPN! The Tweet should read: The University of Pennsylvania has agreed to ban MEN from women’s sports teams to resolve a federal civil rights case. Boom. Fixed it for ya.

Penn also sent canned responses to female students who were forced to share their locker rooms with men:

the email I just got from penn- I think this is just the generic email for all penn students or student athletes ‍♀️ pic.twitter.com/PiyCf5GH7t

— Paula Scanlan (@PaulaYScanlan) July 1, 2025

Read it: Penn is dedicated to providing a wide array of athletic opportunities to enrich the educational experience of our students…even if it means some of our students are delusional cheats who strut around a women’s locker room with their schlongs hanging out.

This was really just a compulsory form letter drafted by Penn’s legal department. Check in the box, it’s done. There is no sincerity in this “apology”. Sorry, they’re really not sorry.

This is real. I know women who have lost roster spots and spots on the podium. I know of women with sexual trauma who are adversely impacted by having biological males in their locker room without their consent. I know this because I am one of these women. I was sexually assaulted on June 3rd of 2016. I was only 16 years old. I was able to forgive my attacker, but violence against women still exists.”-Paula Scanlan

Thomas has not been stripped of the titles. Penn could have taken things a step further than their “apology”. In truth, they’ve only apologized over fears of losing funding.

On Tuesday afternoon, the Penn website showed other athletes holding the school’s top times in Thomas’ freestyle events. The site was annotated with a note that read, ‘Competing under eligibility rules in effect at the time, Lia Thomas set program records in the 100, 200 and 500 freestyle during the 2021-22 season.'”-Collin Binkley, AP News

Under eligibility rules. Again, this is a “sorry, not sorry” from Penn. Allow me to rewrite this for The Associated Press:

On Tuesday afternoon, the Penn website showed FEMALE athletes holding the school’s top times in the WOMEN’S events. Competing under eligibility rules in effect at the time, Lia Thomas, a MAN posing as a WOMAN set program records in the 100, 200 and 500 freestyle during the DEI season.

In swoops CNN:

Trump’s ban on female trans athletes
In February, Trump signed an executive order titled ‘Keeping Men Out of Women’s Sports’ with the goal of banning transgender women from competing in women’s sports.

‘With this executive order, the war on women’s sports is over,’ the president said during a signing ceremony surrounded by dozens of women and some young girls in athletic uniforms.

Some critics claim transgender athletes have an unfair advantage in sports, but that’s not what the research shows.

While research is limited and ongoing, a 2017 review in the peer-reviewed journal Sports Medicine found ‘no direct or consistent research’ showing trans people have an athletic advantage.”-Amanda Musa, CNN

Nope, Will Thomas had NO athletic advantage over these women at all. I see another rewrite in my crystal ball:

.@CNN Let me re-write this for you, you fools:

Male athletes at Upenn to compete in men's sports. Women's civil rights protected.

UPenn will comply with Title IX and restore the records set by women as part of an agreement with the Dept of Ed's Office for Civil Rights.

You're… pic.twitter.com/apdxBtT7UV

— Jennifer Sey (@JenniferSey) July 1, 2025

In honor of this celebratory moment, we leave you with the quotable Lia (William) Thomas and HIS musings from his time at Penn.

I knew there would be scrutiny against me if I competed as a woman. I was prepared for that. But I also don’t need anybody’s permission to be myself and to do the sport that I love.”-William Thomas

And, you also thought as a sub-par MALE swimmer, that you would finally get a win. Nope, you did not need permission. What you did was stunning and brave. Waltzing on into the locker room and tucking your junk into a woman’s swimsuit.

The very simple answer is that I’m not a man.”-Willam (Lia) Thomas

Oh yes. Yes, you are a MAN. They’ve all but said so by removing your name from the records of top times. Go jump in a lake.

I wanted to take a quick moment to thank @Riley_Gaines_

She’s become the teammate I wish I had in college. I was silenced, bullied and unsupported by my teammates and my university.

Today and everyday, I’m grateful for our friendship and how much she’s helped me grow ❤️ pic.twitter.com/u1RljDLuue

— Paula Scanlan (@PaulaYScanlan) July 2, 2025

Happy Title IX Month, everybody! And, to the women this utter loser cheated out of titles, we’re sorry even though Penn, evidently, is not. The war on women’s sports IS over. Let’s see how the media spins this Trump Administration “W”. Penn screwed up, but they will only apologize begrudgingly. It’s all good.

WE SEE YOU, ladies. This Bud’s for you. But, unlike the men pretending to be women who drink that horrible elixir known as Bud Light, we true women know better.