Cocaine? On a train? With Macron and a bunch of European suits in Kyiv? Please. It wasn’t a party—it was a tissue, some sinus drip, and the internet foaming at the mouth like it just uncovered the next WikiLeaks.

And then—scandal! Macron discreetly tucks away a used tissue.

But of course, the internet being the internet, people lost their minds. One blurry video clip, a nose rub, and suddenly the whole train is being accused of hosting a traveling coke party. Macron wasn’t wiping his nose—he was hiding cocaine. Obviously. And just like that, a dull diplomatic train ride turned into a viral theory that Europe’s most boring men were doing lines and living wild.

Three men and a bag of white powder.

Notice how Macron sneakily and deftly swipes it out of the camera’s view.

The German chancellor Merz takes care of the spoon.

Can’t have people thinking they are plotting strategy while doing cocaine together pic.twitter.com/6IWcT8ZoNI

— Dinesh D’Souza (@DineshDSouza) May 11, 2025

Because sure—what else would these guys be doing on a train through a war zone? Discussing policy? Nah. Definitely passing around drugs between bites of stale croissants.

And yet… the clicks rolled in. Because people want it to be true. They need it to be true. It’s too much fun to imagine world leaders losing their minds in a coked-out diplomatic rave car. And who needs evidence when you’ve got vibes and X?

JUST IN: Russia’s Maria Zakharova reacts to the viral “cocaine” video featuring Macron, Starmer & Merz:

“Looks like the Frenchman, the Englishman & the German boarded a train… and took a hit.

The fate of Europe is in the hands of drugged, dependent, temporary figures.” pic.twitter.com/BxqaILoOw1

— JOSH DUNLAP (@JDunlap1974) May 12, 2025

And yep, even Alex Jones weighed in—because of course he did. One glimpse of Macron dabbing his nose, and suddenly it’s Cocaine Express: Deep State Edition. Trust Alex to turn a moment of allergy relief into a full-on global drug ring exposé. Is he wrong? Of course. Is it entertaining? Always.

Former InfoWars host Alex Jones was among the prominent Western social media accounts to promote the conspiracy.

He also branded Zelensky a “known cocaine enthusiast,” based on a previous Russian-spread conspiracy about the leader. He also wrongly claimed that the video showed the trio following their talks with Zelensky instead of prior to them.

He then later doubled down on the conspiracy, showing an edited crop on the video with a shine filter applied to it.

“You can clearly see it’s a bag of blow,” he insisted.

Russia’s Foreign Ministry also pushed the same disinformation on Sunday, with Putin’s puppet, Maria Zakharova, calling the French, British and German leaders “utterly [drug] dependent individuals” on her Telegram account. – New York Post

And Maria Zakharova, Putin’s go-to drama queen, fired up her Telegram account to declare that Macron, Starmer, and Merz are “utterly drug dependent” and claimed, with full thunderous flair, that “the Almighty Himself is lifting the veil on this putrid spectacle.”

Ma’am, the only thing the Almighty is lifting is your vodka-fueled delusions.

She also called Zelensky an “unstable cocaine addict”—and let’s be honest, that one’s been floating around for a while. Wouldn’t exactly shock anyone at this point.

It took exactly five seconds for the internet to turn a blurry video of Emmanuel Macron handling a tissue into a full-blown conspiracy theory. Suddenly, people are acting like the train to Kyiv was a covert coke den on wheels, with Macron, Starmer, and Merz passing around more than just policy papers. TikTok detectives are zooming in, drawing red circles, and whispering about “elite drug rituals” like they’re breaking Watergate. All over a runny nose. These folks genuinely believe world leaders are doing rails in between press conferences—and not, you know, just trying to avoid being filmed holding a snot rag.

Then again… would anyone really be shocked if a few of these world leaders were on something stronger than espresso? Between the jet lag and ego trips, it wouldn’t exactly be a bombshell.

If anyone knows how to identify a real cocaine scandal, it’s Hunter Biden. Can someone page him and ask if Macron’s tissue checks out? Because unless there’s a laptop full of train selfies and a stray baggie on the floor, we’re gonna go ahead and call this what it is: allergy season with a side of internet hysteria.

Feature Image: EU2017EE Estonian Presidency, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons/edited in Canva Pro.