Assault with deadly Cheetos

September 5, 2007

by Cassy Fiano in Headlines 4 Comments

In Iowa, they take “dangerously cheesy” to a whole new level! What do you do when you get into a fight with your dad? Why, throw Cheetos at him, of course!

The assault weapons listed on the Des Moines police report was a bag of Cheetos.

Patrick Hamman, 22, of 4904 S.W. 13th St., was arrested Sunday on a charge of domestic assault. Officers explained that the victim of the snack attack, Michael Hamman, lives with his adult son, Patrick and that they became involved in an argument Sunday night.

Patrick Hammon picked up a bag of Cheetos and threw it at his father, hitting him in the face, police said. It hit him in the glasses, causing a cut to the bridge of Michael Hamman’s nose.

The police report said: “Michael’s T-shirt was also covered in Cheeto dust.”

You know, this could solve all of the liberals’ problems with guns. Just supply everyone in the United States with bags of Cheetos to throw at people whenever they feel threatened or attacked. At the first sign of a tiny cut on their nose, they’ll run screaming!

I can see it now: I’m walking down a dark alleyway, my trusty bag of Cheetos in my purse. A robber comes up to me and puts a gun to my head, demanding all my money. I turn around, stealthily take out my bag of Cheetos, and whip it at him, causing a cloud of Cheeto dust to explode everywhere, giving me time to escape!

I mean, who needs guns?

Chester the Cheetah would be proud that his beloved Cheetos were being put to such good use. I mean, after all… they are wild and dangerously cheesy!

Hat Tip: Liberty Pundit

Written by Cassy Fiano

4 Comments

Gothguy says:

September 5, 2007 at 5:06 pm

911 Operator-‘What is your emergency, Sir?’

Caller-‘I was, ummm, hit in the face with a bag of cheetos…’

911 Operator-‘…’

Caller- Hello…are you there?’

911 Operator-‘Sorry sir, but did I hear you correctly…you were hit in the face with a bag of cheetos?’

Caller-‘Yes ma’am. My son and I were arguing, and he threw a bag of cheetos at me, it hit me in the face, causing my glasses to make a small cut on me. I need some paramedics and the police here right away!’

911 Operator-‘Sir, for the sake of clarification for the paramedics…were the cheetos the crunchy ones or the puffed ones?’

Reply
Undecided says:

September 5, 2007 at 8:48 pm

The next Cheetos ad ought to go something like this:

I’d like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love,

Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves.

I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,

I’d like to buy the world a bag of Cheetos, and keep it company.

Reply
Gredd says:

September 5, 2007 at 10:46 pm

crunchy or puffed – I laughed pretty hard at that!

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Ducky says:

September 6, 2007 at 6:44 pm

Great story. We covered a very important angle on this just a few days ago at the Daily Jalapeno.

I’m glad we’re not the only ones who think this is absolutely silly.

Reply