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Cheated on your wife? Messed around with your husband’s best friend? Just want to have a little fun on the side with no regard to your significant other’s feelings or the effect it might have on them and on your marriage? Hey, it’s OK! We all act like selfish, horny bastards with no willpower, self-control, or concern for the ones we say we love in our lives sometimes. And now, you don’t have to worry about feeling bad either, because marriage therapist Mira Kirshenbaum is here to take your guilt away!
Mira Kirshenbaum, who has over 30 years’ experience as a marriage therapist, says the ‘right kind’ of affair can be a positive thing, acting to “jolt people from their inertia”.
The author of When Good People Have Affairs, published this week, argues that because society has so far failed to have a sympathetic discussion of infidelity, the positive sides of cheating have been ignored.
However, she insists that most cheating spouses should never own up, because revealing the infidelity is more damaging than keeping quiet.
“Sometimes an affair can be the best way for the person who has been unfaithful to get the information and impetus to change,” she told The Observer.
“I’m not encouraging affairs, but underlying the complicated mess is a kind of deep and delicate wisdom. It’s an insight that something isn’t working and needs to change.”
Most philanderers are good, kind people, she argues, who are seeking real happiness and love.
Ms Kirshenbaum, clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a psychotherapy and research centre in Boston, Massachusetts, says her book is not aimed at ‘creeps’ who think they can cheat with impunity, but at decent people who know they have made a mistake.
“These people are suffering terribly and need to be relieved of their sense of guilt and shame because those emotions are paralysing,” she said.
“If handled right, an affair can be therapeutic, give clarity and jolt people from their inertia,” she said.
“You could think of it as a radical but necessary medical procedure. If your marriage is in cardiac arrest, an affair can be a defibrillator.”
But she is convinced that an adulterer must never confess, not even if their partner asks directly.
“This is the one area in which the truth usually creates far more damage in the long run,” she said.
See, horndogs? It’s ok to cheat. Just tell your husband or wife that you did it to get rid of that awful, awful inertia in your marriage, and everything’ll be A-OK!
Seriously now. This has got to be some of the worst marriage advice I think I have ever read. There is no reason to have an affair, and no excuse for it either. I’m not married, but I have been cheated on, and it’s gut-wrenching. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must feel to know that the person who has vowed to spend the rest of their life loving, honoring, and cherishing you has betrayed your love and trust. There’s nothing positive that can come of betraying someone that you’re supposed to be committed to forever so deeply.
What really grates me about this woman is how she seems to have no problem with the sheer selfishness of the very act of cheating. To her, cheating is somehow ok, even though it is quite possibly the most selfish thing a person can do. To give in to a desire that will bring happiness to no one but yourself is disgustingly selfish. If you are that self-absorbed to not, for one second before you jump into that pool, think of your spouse, how you are betraying them, and the pain this will inevitably cause them, then the only thing I can think of is that you are an awful excuse for a human being.
I’m sure that there will be a few cheaters reading this who will want to blast me for writing this. They’ll probably want to say something along the lines of how I don’t understand, it was a moment of weakness, their marriage was in the dumps, they weren’t getting sex anymore, their spouse doesn’t love them, blah blah blah blah blah, and on and on with every other excuse in the book. They’ll probably use the “j” word (judgemental). Well, I don’t give a shit. In my personal opinion, committing adultery is one of the worst sins a person can commit. Period. I’ve never cheated on someone in my life, nor will I, and you know why? Because I care about the person I am with. It doesn’t matter how badly a relationship may be going. I won’t cheat on them out of simple respect for that person. You made a promise and a commitment, so it’s your job to keep it. Being faithful to your spouse is not required only when things are going good and you’re getting laid on a regular basis — you’re supposed to be faithful to them always, respect and honor them always. If you can’t do that, then get a divorce. They’re probably better off without your sorry ass anyways.
Any of you think I’m being a little too harsh? Oh well. I just seriously cannot contemplate something more selfish, short-sighted, and shallow than having an affair.
The worst part is that this woman is not only giving people an ok to cheat, but she’s sympathizing with the adulterer, and not the person who has been cheated on! What kind of warped worldview is that? Yes, she’s right, we should feel sorry for the person who did the cheating, not the person who has had their heart ripped out and been stabbed in the back by the person they thought they could trust with everything they had.
Honestly, how do you feel sympathy for the cheater?
And this quote is really interesting, too:
This is the one area in which the truth usually creates far more damage in the long run,” she said.
“If you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can.”
Um, shouldn’t you do that before you have the affair? If you’re thinking about doing something that will potentially ruin your marriage and your spouse’s life, maybe you should suck it up, get over your own damn self, and tell them about it. If you have to go two separate ways, then so be it — at least you were a big enough person to end it honestly, rather than sneak around and stab them in the back.
This kind of marriage advice just goes to show exactly how warped the world we live in today is, when marriage therapists are saying that cheating on your husband or wife can be a good thing and are sympathizing with the betrayer, and not the betrayed. We have come to a very dark and dangerous place.
Hat Tip: House of Eratosthenes
Matthew says: Methinks the marriage therapist needs therapy.
Spot on, Cassy. There’s a saying in the military that “what goes TDY stays TDY.” I’ve seen folks do that while they were deployed – forget the commitments they made long before. You’re also right on the money regarding her second quote – the time to decide not to cheat is long before the opportunity presents itself. Then, you don’t have to worry about whether you’re thinking straight or not – the decision has already been made.
Steve says: Cassy
Marriage is Just part of the long list of contract law, or vow, or personal word that is encouraged not to mean shit anymore.
We must look to ourselves to be our own highest standard, Unfortunately many look for the lowest bar to slide under. Ethics should not consist of a moralistic Limbo dance with the bar getting everlower.
This is the result of an attempt to destroy personal ethics so we will look to an outside authority. A long slide toward soft socialism.
Steve
I think Steve is onto something here. If we can form close, monogamous relationships that last to the grave, AND think for ourselves, it’s a lot more difficult to sell us on…you know…the kind of crap we’ve been flooded with? That we can save the planet if we all unplug our microwave ovens? I suppose if you’re on your fourth marriage by the age of 35 and don’t feel like you can trust anyone, it might go over more easily.
And Cassy, you and I are a hundred percent on the same page here.
Who’s showing the greatest sympathy to this? People who chronically cheat, people who are chronically cheated-on, or people who’ve never been in either position? I remember during the Clinton mess, finding out for the first time about people who (willfully or not) were completely ignorant that in order to carry on an affair for any length of time, you have to get used to lying. A lot. On a routine. Getting to the point with lying, that it comes to mean nothing to you.
Only a fool trusts a man who cheats on his wife; what kind of man will lie to his wife every single day, and then tell the truth to others? That’s pure fiction right there.
AmeriDan says: Spot on Cassy… and Steve, Matthew, and Morgan too. I can add nothing to this, except:
When I’m in a relationship… I use this test…
1.Will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow?
2.Will you be able to look her (spouse) in the eyes tomorrow?
Works everytime.
Bill (wch) entered some interesting and well-thought-out comments about this over on my site, asking me to re-think my position. Then, for reasons unknown, WordPress made the decision that Bill was commenting for the first time, which was not the case, and that my approval was needed for his comment. THEN the site (Webloggin) went offline.
These outages are reasonably rare and usually brief. I found Bill’s thoughts to be valid and worthy of a thoughtful response; providing one will be my first order of business. Hoping to see you there, Cassy & Steve. The debate that arises naturally from this therapist’s hair-splitting, is unusually worthwhile.
PaleoMedic says: Adultery is a choice. A bad choice, supremeley selfish. If you marriage is so bad, eithe seek to fix it or get out of with some honor. Don’t force your spouses hand with something so hurtful.
Coincidentally I watched “Last Kiss” last night. It’s a flick about self-absorbed pinheads choosing to be unhappy with their partners and creating all sort of havoc. I thought it a trite little mess.
During my twenty year marriage I’ve been tempted. It will happen. But it’s up to you to make that choice. I made myself some rules; don’t go on solo lunch dates with a woman; avoid being alone in a room with a woman; don’t let a woman give you her phone number (except for legitimate business of course–you’ll know the difference); and minimize bar hopping, unless your with a big group of friends. It works. And it’s easier now than it was ten years ago.
Sean says: Enter by the narrow gate, for the gate is wide, and the way easy, that leadeth to destruction. Sometimes, you just have to be tougher than the temptation. Liars come in all sizes and shapes, some have doctorates, some a GED. Again, Miss Fiano, you show your courage and veracity. If you stand on the side of what is right, you will not be forgotten. That therapist is wrong. What’s worse, she’s trying to encourage others to do wrong, all the while saying that she’s not. I’ve been hearing this kind of slop since I was a child.
bob says: “Woe to they that call evil good, and good evil.
Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness…”
Monogamy is not normal nor is it programmed in our genes as a survival tactic. It is a social arrangement enforced by culture. It works fairly well, but we shouldn’t fool ourselves into thinking that people wouldn’t fool around if they were just more perfect. Please. Most people attempt to abide by the rules, many are left unsatisfied with the arrangements they are able to cobble together, some want to have it both ways, pretending to go along, but never intending to be monogamous. Obviously there is a whole array of behavior. Most extra-relationship activity is probably not something to torture oneself over. I think everyone would benefit immensely by taking a more lighthearted and humorous approach to dalliances. Most of the damage occurs when they are taken too seriously and families are broken up. My advice would be that if you are such a “good” person that you never fool around – good for you, give yourself a pat on the back. But as far as condemning others who aren’t as “good” as you are, you should probably just keep quiet. It’s healthier.
Sounds like the marriage counselor is forgetting that the most important thing in any relationship (aside from respect) is communication rooted in openness, honesty, and trust. She’s actually encouraging people, as a last resort, to basically lie, cheat, and cover it up.
That’s like telling someone to fix a cut on the leg by chopping off the leg, stitching up the cut, and then re-attaching the leg with duck tape and paper clips when all they really needed to do was use a band-aid. You can’t fix something by making it worse.
Cassy, when someone accuses you of being judgmental, here’s what I would say:
Judgment – critical, rational, moral, judgment – is different from being judgmental as a habitual attitude. A judgmental person condemns outright, without stopping and evaluating it first. Judgment is different from that.
Of course, it may not work anyway, but try it and see. 🙂
Ironwolf32 says: Compromising my honor and integrity as well as the solemn vow I gave on my wedding day are not worth a few moments of lust.
Relationships are based on trust. This advice is another example of dishonest people avoiding responsibility.
I R A Darth Aggie says: Judgemental? I suppose. But anyone who would figuratively knife their spouse in the back by cheating on them will cheerfully slip that same knife in my back if doing so would give them some advantage or leverage.
Did no one learn anything from Bill Clinton?
tasteslikechicken says: The marriage therapist gets work and benefits financially when infidelity comes to light. She may not be the best person to discourage such behavior. One probably needs to do a little more screening when choosing a (nominal) professional sometimes.
Mat says: I especially loved the part where this idiot said “I’m not encouraging affairs…”
Well, yeah, you are, Ms Kirshenbaum. If you don’t have the guts to state that, then don’t write the article. This is a perfect example of choice and taking no responsibility for the action (in this case, it’s writing an opinion). Another dingdong article by the libtards. What’s really sad is that in probably a decade or so, there will be nothing in this country worth defending.
Shannon in AZ says: This is old, old news. Psychologists have for years been promoting extra-marital affairs without telling the spouse, people dating to date multiple at the same time (without tell the others) and so on. I’ve heard these recommendations on the radio in the early 90’s and seen the suggestions in print in the 80’s. Old news and totally a part of why marriage is failing so much.
When there is ANY secret between mates, that is reduced communication, reduced affinity and establishes a standard for having such. As something similar to the standard is encountered, the standard widens with more reduced communication, reduced affinity until one day, the relationship is recognized as having been over a long time ago by one of the people (either the cheater or cheated upon).
djay says: You are right Cassy. Oh, when people say you are being judgemental,I always laugh and say and your not?
fawn says: did you even read When Good People Have Affairs?
If not, in the future, I would restrain from making comments regarding books you have not read.
MarkS says: Disclaimer: I’m a married, non-cheater, Dr. Laura-listening conservative. Affairs are wrong.
With that said, is the quoted article attributed to Ms. Kirshenbaum the same one Cassy is addressing? Kirschenbaum describes those who *seek* affairs as ‘creeps’ and says outright that she’s ‘not encouraging affairs;’ from that, Cassy claims Kirshenbaum says cheating is okay.
Affairs are wrong. No marriage should reach the point that an affair occurs, let alone that it serves as catalyst for change. A healthy marriage between normal, non-creep individuals is safe from affairs. Kirshenbaum is addressing those (again, not creeps who seek affairs) in dysfunctional marriages that have violated their vows and committed adultery, but realize their transgression and wish to either save their marriage or, if the situation is bad enough, end it. Yes, they shouldn’t have had an affair; yes, they should have thought of their vows before; no, we shouldn’t feel sorry for them. Now; how do they go forward from here? That’s what, from the extract, the book appears to address.
With respect to telling the spouse about the affair, I have to agree with the therapist. Again, affairs are wrong. But what is the spouse supposed to do with the revelation that he or she has been cheated on? The marriage is already tenuous; if your (admittedly belated) intentions are saving the marriage, there is no benefit to laying that on your spouse. That’s an evil thing in the past; it’s not going to have any benefit in the future. None.
Affairs are wrong. Kirshenbaum’s book looks like it’s a road map forward out of the mess a person (who feels ‘guilt and shame’) got themselves into. Guilt and shame are emotions felt by those who are remorseful for something they’ve done. Those who like what they did do not feel guilt or shame (see O. J. Simpson). Instead of sitting in a dark room brooding in shame, get up and fix the marriage that you’ve let fall apart. The affair is a bad thing (did I mention they are wrong?); but getting to a point where you finally address your hurting marriage is a good thing. Yes, it shouldn’t have taken an affair; yes, the philanderer is still guilty of a moral injustice.
And to repeat, I’m a non-cheater (haven’t, don’t won’t).
Mark
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