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I thought this was absolutely brilliant:
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters,
We’ve stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know that we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and just will not ever agree on what’s right. So let’s just end it right now while we can do it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and each go our own way.
So here’s a model separation agreement.
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That’s going to be the difficult part, but I’m sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate taste. We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can have those. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. And since you hate guns and you hate war, we’ll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. But you are going to be responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to haul them around.
We’ll keep the capitalism, the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical companies; we will keep Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have the homeless, the homeboys, the hippies and illegal aliens. We will keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, the greedy CEOS and all of the rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and we’ll let you have NBC and Hollywood.
You can be nice to Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer anybody that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we will provide them with security. You won’t have to worry about it. We will keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley Maclaine. You can also have the UN, but we will no longer pay the bill.
We will keep the SUVs, the pickup trucks and the oversize luxury cars. You can have the compacts, the subcompacts and every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everybody healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We will continue to believe that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. We will keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and the national anthem, and I am sure you will be happy to substitute in their place “Imagine.” I’d like to teach the world to sing “Kumbaya” or “We are the world.” We will practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. And since it so offends you, we will keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. And if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the friendly spirit of parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in about 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J Wall
Law student and an American
P.S. You can also have Barbara Streisand and Jane Fonda
Hat Tip: Neal Boortz
I think Liberals should just accept this divorce agreement now.
Because if our eventual breakup comes by way of civil war, you whiny, pacifistic, anti-military, effeminate latte sippers are going to get your asses handed to you by the gun-toting, military-trained, life-long hunting, construction working rednecks.
And that’s just our women folk.
And then we’re simply going to take everything anyway and ship those of you who we didn’t bury beneath the Golden Gate Bridge off to Iraq and Syria.
Robbie,
As much as I would love for that to happen, it would be a lot more complicated than that. A civil war would be a bloody, messy and expensive business. Make no mistake about it. Also, the military will probably side with the government, regardless of sympathies because their duty is to defend the Constitution. And guess who’s the Commander in Chief right now? Part of me wonders if the Messiah is just daring us to do just that sort of thing. I’m just saying…
I’m not saying I welcome it. I don’t. But it may very well happen. The fact that it’s being uttered at all (and I’ve heard this in conversations as well) is not really a good sign.
Shannon in AZ says: Other than the Scientology part, I’m 100% in agreement. Don’t lump us in with those trying to destroy the country.
Cylar says: We already have this proposed separation. It already exists. It’s called “Canada.” Maybe you’ve heard of it.
Cylar says: I’m not saying I welcome it. I don’t. But it may very well happen. The fact that it’s being uttered at all (and I’ve heard this in conversations as well) is not really a good sign.
Right…and flying monkeys might come out of my butt. That might happen, too.
I don’t mean to disparage you. I simply have been noticing a lot of this kind of chatter in the past month or so, on blogs all over the Internet. The fact of the matter is that there will never be another armed conflict on this soil, especially not between the states, or between the federal government and some chunk of the citizenry.
Why? Because the government is too smart to let that happen. Instead of Congress passing some draconian act one day like “We’re taking all the guns away. You disagree? We’re coming to your home to take you to a re-education camp. Incorrigible dissenters will shot.”
It won’t happen that way. Instead what you’ll see is creeping socialism – bit by bit, day by day, each outrage comparatively small enough so as not to cause us patriots to completely lose faith in the democratic or reformist process.
By the time the day finally came that such a move (armed revolt) would be truly justified, it would be too late. The weapons would all be gone, every dissenter in the US will have his house bugged, and 99% of the population will be committed socialists. Think United Kingdom. And from there, think North Korea.
Besides, if someone tried to “start something,” how long do you think it would take for the FBI to call in a commando unit and quietly dispatch the leaders and C-4 the compound where they’re meeting? There wouldn’t be any need even for precision air-strikes, much less a carpet-bombing campaign.
And finally, keep in mind that there are already people in the US trying to overthrow the government. They go by various names, but a lot of them are immigrant gangs, various nationalist movements organized around ethnicity, and finally let’s not forget al-Queda cells which likely walk among us.
If you want to know how the US military deals with partisans, look no further than Iraq and Afghanistan. Worked out real well for them, didn’t it?
Get real. This “revolution” talk is nonsense.
Matt says: Healthcare shouldn’t be a right? A country with the resources such as America shouldn’t do something as basic and take care of its sick?! The arrogance and the racism (ie: Keep your “homeboys”) comes as no surprise. And I know conservatives feel anybody who is poor must be lazy and not willing to work. But my Dad, who worked his entire life was forced into early retirement. Had he not taken the buyout, he would have been in the group of thousands of workers fired after him that received no healthcare and would not have been able to afford treatment when he was diagnosed with Cancer. He is in remission now but I guess you feel that he should have died if he didn’t have healthcare even though he worked his entire life, like many of his co-workers who received no healthcare when they were let go? I find it so ironic that it is the right that believes it has God on their side. Quite the Christian attitude you have to the sick!
Atlanta says: Divorce Agreement
Dear American conservatives, rightists, reactionaries, fascists and Republican supporters, et al:
We liberals would prefer to stick with our family values and work things out rather than go through a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. We always believe things can be worked out (music fade in……”We are the World, We are the Children”, and “Imagine”…music fade out).
However, we know you conservatives change partners as fast as televangelists change wives. We understand that you are just remaining true to your American Revolutionary spirit.
We liberals may have our heads in the clouds, but fortunately (for us) and unfortunately (for you), we have the lion’s share of the lawyers. Now lawyers are tricky devils, and they tell me you forgot to divide some rather important property. Should you agree to the following, I’m sure our divorce will be fair and amicable and we won’t put up too much of a fuss:
First:
We’ll take all the scientists that belong to the National Academy of Sciences, and you can take the states most affected by global warming or as some of you like to say “climate change”.
Second:
You take high gasoline prices and mega houses, and we’ll take electric cars, solar panels, and wind mills. We’ll put up with some short term sacrifices so that so we aren’t supporting the mega rich oil nations that are bent on our destruction. You can continue to do business with the House of Saud.
Third:
We’ll take the open source programmers, and the other denizens of Silicon Valley, and you can take the graduates of Bob Jones University who believe man walked with dinosaurs. Of course, you won’t have any vaccines or antibiotics for infectious diseases since those medicines are developed solely on the theory of evolutionary biology, but we’ll cede to you the “laying on of hands” for your medical R&D. And let us not forget that your conservative legislators can just pass laws against viruses or bacterium. Wow, conservatives really do have a comprehensive medical plan!
Fourth:
We’ll take NPR any day over Rush Limbaugh and his illegal drug habit. By the way, you’ll be glad you kept your SUVs since you will need one to fit him into – maybe two. Just don’t forget his “stash”. He gets testy without it.
Fifth:
Remember that Universal Health Care is our baby. We sincerely hope you will find a job that will give you health care or hasn’t been shipped overseas.
Sixth:
I don’t think you can take all of the Armed Forces. Colin Powell and the other Obama supporters in the Armed Forces will probably come with us. Of course we’re happy to let you have Hurricane Katrina, while we keep the Navy Seals that took out the Somali pirates.
Seventh:
I predict that when we take all the “liberal Hollywood producers”, you’ll find a number of conservatives who crossover to see their favorite TV programs or big budget films. TV and movies made by conservatives don’t play so well with the masses, liberal or conservative. I’ll bet more time is spent by conservatives watching TV and movies than reading the Bible and going to church.
Please speak with our lawyers if this is amenable to you. We’re out saving the whales right now.
P.S. Oh, and please take Bernie Madoff and AIG with you. Both flourished under Bush, Inc. They’ll feel right at home with you guys.
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