There’s a crisis in New York City. Doormen may be going on strike, which has left New Yorkers panicked and wondering how they will ever survive!

It has been nearly two decades since New Yorkers faced their last doorman strike, but as the deadline for a new contract for building workers approached, the questions being posed throughout the city remained largely unchanged on Sunday.

Who will safeguard my apartment as I sleep? Greet my children when they come home from school? Accept deliveries? Clean the hallways? Sort the mail? Operate the elevator? And who, for goodness sake, will let the cleaning lady in?

Residents, co-op boards and building management companies have been busy planning for the sudden complications that could come at 12:01 a.m. Wednesday with the possible departure of the building workers who, among many other things, hold open the city’s doors.

The Realty Advisory Board on Labor Relations has distributed a preparedness manual with recommendations for keeping buildings in operation in case of a strike. “A strike is not pleasant, nor should it be taken lightly,” according to the 45-page document. “During a period of work stoppage, pressures and problems develop which make building management very difficult.”

… Throughout the city, security guards have already been alerted to arrive at buildings an hour before the negotiating deadline so they can take over for the first overnight shift in the event of a walkout. Many buildings would then adopt a more restrictive policy, with residents being required to use building keys, display identification to the security guards and pick up visitors or deliveries themselves. Some buildings are planning to take service elevators, storage rooms and garages out of operation if there is a strike.

“The whole operation of the building would basically be shut down and we’d rely on residents to pitch in just to get by,” said Dan Wurtzel, president of Cooper Square Realty, one of the largest residential management companies in the New York. “There’s a tremendous amount of preparation we have to undertake. Then, if it doesn’t happen, we can breathe a sign of relief. If it does happen, then we’re prepared to deal with it.”

Many buildings have also posted sign-up sheets for residents to volunteer to watch the front doors, clean hallways and take out garbage, though the forms in the lobbies of a handful of Upper East Side buildings remained mostly blank on Sunday afternoon.

… Arriving on Park Avenue on Sunday, Robert Neis, a marketing executive, immediately asked his doorman for assistance with the luggage from a family getaway to Shelter Island, N.Y. “It would be a bummer if they strike,” Mr. Neis said. “It’s a lot nicer when they help with the work.”

Harold Gerber, who runs a real estate business and has lived in his co-op on East 75th Street for more than two decades, said he was already worried about security, and grumbled at the prospect of hauling his own trash. “It will affect us tremendously,” he said.

What a nightmare! Imagine — having to unload your own luggage. Open the door yourself. Take out your own trash. Walk all the way downstairs to pick up packages or let in visitors. Unlock doors yourself. Oh, the horror!

Lest you ignoramus rubes think that this might involve some overreaction on the part of the helpless New Yorkers, they’ll explain. In small words. As one commenter said, with indignance and snootiness,

In the burbs or the county, when you receive a package or delivery and are not home, there is generally enough space, security, and trust for the package to be left for you. In NY, it will be gone within second, or destroyed, or maybe both.

Non-NYers, have you ever spent 90 minutes on line at a post office or over an hour on line at the supermarket? Well, we do all the time.

First of all, if I lived in a place where my stuff was stolen on a regular basis, I would move. I like that I can have packages sent to my house, that it can sit on my doorstep until I get home, and I know that it won’t be stolen or tampered with. Frankly, it doesn’t speak well for New York City if the residents can’t even have a package delivered to their apartments without it being stolen. It doesn’t speak well for the residents themselves for that matter. Apparently, there’s an abnormally high number of thieves and burglars in NYC. If you’re cool with that, then fine, but don’t whine about how you need protection. And of course, there’s always the option of having your packages sent to your place of work instead of your home, if it’s so super unsafe in New York. Just a thought. Like I said, if it was me though, and theft was THAT big a problem, I’d move.

And honestly, are New Yorkers so far removed from reality that they think that they’re the only ones in the country who wait in line at the post office or at the grocery store? Newsflash, buddy: us hicks in the country wait in line, too. We wait in line at banks, at the DMV, at the grocery store, and probably tons of other places, too. Guess what? You’re not that special.

These pampered little poodles in New York — yes, even you middle-class ones — need to grow up and learn to live life in the real world like an adult. Yes, that means taking out your own trash, cleaning up your own messes, unlocking your own doors, and getting your own mail. (Although, in all honesty, what else could you really expect from an overwhelmingly Democratic city with residents that pride themselves on being better than everyone else?)

I guess tonight you should all make sure to pray for these poor, poor New Yorkers who will have to somehow survive without doormen to do everything for them. Sometimes I don’t even know how us hicks in the rest of the country manage.

Cross-posted at The Green Room.