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I was talking about relationships with my buddy John Hawkins of Right Wing News, and the following IM conversation ensued:
John Hawkins: Show me a woman who is stronger than the man she is with and I will show you a woman who is unhappy or getting there.
Cassy Fiano: Think so?
John Hawkins: Definitely. Some women like being stronger than the guy at first…but it eats at them both over time.
Cassy Fiano: You don’t think there are any circumstances where maybe the woman is the alpha and the man is the beta and its a good thing?
John Hawkins: Short term, yes. Long term, I think it’s unhealthy. Some people make it through anyway, but it’s not good for them, nor do I think they are nearly as happy as they would be if the positions are reversed.
Cassy Fiano: why do you think the man needs to be the alpha for happiness to occur?
John Hawkins: Not just that. I think the woman needs to be the beta to be happy.
Cassy Fiano: OK, but why? I don’t see myself as a strict beta female.
John Hawkins: You don’t have to be. But, it’s built into us. It’s genetic. A woman, in her core, wants a man who is stronger than she is. If that’s not the case, she will eventually feel like less of a woman. A man wants to be stronger than the woman he is with, too. It makes him feel like a man. If you are stronger than the man you are with, you will eventually start to feel contempt for him. It’s as natural as a dog chasing cats. You can train a dog not to chase a cat, but it’s his nature.
That conversation definitely got me thinking. Do women really need to be the beta in a relationship in order to be happy? My first inclination, obviously, was no. As I said above, I certainly don’t see myself as a beta.
In a sense, I agree with John. I do think that in a healthy, long-term relationship, the man needs to be the “alpha” in order for him to feel happy and secure. If a man feels like his wife is stronger than he is, and more controlling, then he will feel disrespected and, as John said, like less of a man. Likewise, while many feminists will probably tell you that women are perfectly happy as the Alphas in their relationships, if a woman’s husband cannot show her strength and backbone, then she will slowly cease to respect him. (Marie Claire had a great article on an alpha female-beta male relationship implosion.)
A lot of women will think this means that men don’t want strong women, and I don’t think this could be further from the truth. I think most men do want a strong women… I think they want a partner who is intelligent, successful, confident, and intelligent. However, if a man is made to feel like less of a man, then there’s a problem. Men need to know that they are respected by their partners, and women need to feel like their partner is strong enough to be deserving of their respect. A spineless weakling a woman can walk all over is not going to garner any of her respect, is it? The more disrespected the man feels, the less happy and fulfilled he will be. Likewise, the less a woman respects her man, the more resentful and bitter she will become.
On the other hand, a man whose wife respects him and looks up to him will probably be the happiest man in the world, while his wife will find herself proud rather than resenting.
So, I guess I agree with John. I think it is importantand healthy for the man to be the “alpha”, or the head of his household, or however you want to phrase it.
I just have one exception. And it’s a big one.
I don’t think that either the male or the female needs to be “stronger” than the other. I think for a relationship to be healthy, the two need to be equals. Just because the man is the alpha, it does not mean that the woman needs to be the beta doormat. The main issue here, I think, is respect, and it needs to go both ways. Just as it is unhealthy for a woman to feel she can walk all over and control her man, it is unhealthy for a man to feel that he can walk all over and control his woman. There needs to be an equality and a balance, and without it, the relationship is doomed regardless of who the alpha is.
I’m curious about other thoughts on this topic. Are John and I way off base here? What do you think — do women need to be betas to be happy?
Amanda says: “I think for a relationship to be healthy, the two need to be equals.”
Pssst, Cassy… you might be a feminist. I’m just sayin’.
I’m with you, Cassy, equality is the best way and I am definitely not a feminist (ie: I don’t hate women like feminists do).
The wife of the best couple I’ve ever known once said to me “we take turns being strong”. I love that.
Curt says: I think you are absolutely right on…if a relationship goes against nature in any of its forms then it will fail or at best be difficult.
Look at our society today and you can see that most if not all of the ills we suffer can be traced back to the breakdown of the family. Including the throwaway relationships (easy divorces), single parent homes, no father figures in kids lives, etc. This all traces back to the NOW gang and their disdain for men and traditional values. Their effort to MAKE women equal to men is against nature. A man is a hunter/defender and women are nuturerers (is that a word?). This does not mean in any way that a woman is less than a man or a man is more important, despite what the NOW gang sez, it is nature. As you stated they need to be equals in the relationship but have different responsibilities and priorities. They compliment each other and both are better because of the other.
Every man that I look up to, and that is not many, they always say they are who they are because of the women in their lives. Ronald Reagan always put Nancy on a pedestal and he would not have it any other way.
I think most problems in marriage comes from misexpectations that actual role. I do tend to agree that a alpha female would be more likely to think less of a beta male than vica versa. That wouldn’t be absolute however, or you’d never find a AB lesbian relationship working out. Some women are strong enough to do whatever they want and are more comfortable in a dominate role, but I think that has evolved and is still evolving as women become less unusual in management and higher level professions (Doctors, Lawyers, and Professors and such). Many of those can’t turn on and off command and control of things so easy.
Janir says: You’re spot on.
As a whole, (usual comments on exceptions) women are security seeking creatures. They crave security and feeling of being safe for themselves and their children.
This doesn’t mean a woman is subservient to the man, but is looking for him to be in control, of himself and their surroundings.
There is a HUGH difference in her wanting him to be in control and him being controlling. Him being in control will show up as an example, planning where to have dinner for a date, asking her for input and eventual accession of the plan but ultimately handling the event. Controlling is ‘bitch make me my dinner’. a Alpha man is somewhat predictable as far as how will he react in certain situations. Guys, all those “tests” a woman does, is just simply her needing to be reassured of your responses. You act like a wuss, guess what, you get tested more cause your actions are not showing boundaries. If she can step all over you, how the heck can she rely on you when someone else challenges you? Wife’s a nag? check your own behaviors first.
Men and women ARE NOT EQUALS, but at the same time they are not dominant or subservient to each other. We each play different roles.
J David says: What is the relationship REALLY going to be? Forget the “controlling” this, and the “equality” that for a minute…
In any group, in any corporate body, or club, or government or social group of any kind, someone ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS (need I say it again) leads. They are voted in, they are assigned it, or the position they assume automatically includes certain leadership duties, but there is ALWAYS a *fall guy*, or scapegoat, or a final approval stamp. No amount of *Feministing* social rearranging, or equanimity of individual relationships will ever change the reality. There is a difference between *equality* of worth, and *equality* of ability, or duties, or job description.
Worrying about *equality* is really worrying about the choice a woman has made in her man, and whether he is going to be looking out for her interests. No one always wants to do everything the one assigned the leadership position sees as necessary. In addition, the leader is going to make mistakes, just as others of the group will, but deserves the same generosity and forgiveness those being led expect from him. If everyone was taking over any time they didn’t agree with the one in charge civilization would grind to a halt, as, indeed, the institution of marriage seems to be effectively doing well over 50% of the time now.
Those who don’t trust a particular person to take charge of the things that are important (when they are incapacitated in child birth/care, sick, injured, or just needing emotional care and intimacy, or deference in matters where *leading* isn’t necessary) …do not marry that person, period. A husband is a leadership position, and the guy applying for it should have been sufficiently vetted before being given the job. Once the job is filled, then it’s up to the other component(s) of the team to assist in any way possible to make it work. No one goes to work for any organization where they get what they want all of the time, from the president or CEO on down to the associate.
All those who want some imaginary *equality* in absolutely all matters where two different sexes, skill sets, natural assignments, temperaments, family backgrounds, and etc., no matter what, might not be ready to be married. I have equal legal, human rights under the law, and equal access to justice if wronged. However, I have known people far-and-away smarter, stronger, and more determined than I am, and I was NOT their *equal*, they have much more goodies than I do, generally. I have known people stupider, lazier, weaker, and venal whose jobs I took, and they were not my *equals*.
Every relationship combines complimentary attributes, and ALL of them, whether friends, or family, or dates, or mate have one who is giving more than the other person(s). A marriage is not constantly a dead-even 50-50, nor are friendships, but if you can’t do your own best most/all of the time on your own end, regardless of the other person…DO NOT MARRY that person.
It really is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”(ALL of the time) that brings peace to the world, or whatever corner of it you are it at a given moment.
fox says: Hmm, but is it really necessary for there to be a beta? The whole alpha/beta talk makes me think of wolf packs, and in a wolf pack, there is an alpha male and alpha female. They lead together, the alpha male is dominate in one area, the female in another. They balance each other out.
Though I guess it depends on how you define alpha behavior. If you mean always take charge, loud mouthed, pushy, etc. Yeah, not gonna work out. But in the wolf pack context (and this is how I think of the term), alpha is strong and confident, but also respectful.
If that makes sense, at all. If not, go watch a nature docu. It’ll do a better job. =P
J David says: I might suggest, as an aside, that when discussing such matters, men and women think they are assigning the same meanings to the words, and language, they are using. They hardly ever are, as women think men think, feel, emote(or are capable of it)etc., the same way that they do. They don’t. Their use of language is nearly as different as their defining body parts…
Corrie Drzewiecki says: hey Cassy-I am (as you know) considered a STRONG female but when all is said and done my strength comes from necessity, not desire. I WANT an alpha male so that when life gets rough there is someone by my side truly helping, not holding us back because he’s unable to cope. There is a balance, it’s delicate but there is always an alpha and a beta.
Karol had the quote right on: “we take turns being strong.” It is best when BOTH have the ability to be Alphas and Betas as the situation requires.
Shannon says: I think the discussion is too generalized. “Strong” in what area? Regards what situations? Would I want a woman who is NOT strong on family? No. And so on.
The roles adopted become difficult where there is competition between the man and woman. Where they work together, allowing one to do some roles and be the decision maker in those areas, while the other is doing other roles and being the final decision maker in those areas, I feel that’s better but in both of those cases, discussion and agreement are best because then they can decide and agree together if there is time to do so. Sometimes, a discussion isn’t possible and an immediate decision is needed and in those cases, both the man and woman need to be “strong” because the situation could arise with either of them.
Men need to be respected, women need to be loved.
In too many relationships, intelligence and achievement is perceived as alpha-ness. It ain’t necessarily so!
A woman who happens to be strong and motivated and achieving and determined (in other words, a woman with alpha attributes) still needs to be loved by her man. And she can still respect her man. In the really good and strong relationships, the man and the woman each get both love and respect from one another.
The problem is that 95% (or some clear majority in that neighborhood) of the men on this planet are intimidated by the prospect of living with an intelligent woman. And so, many women have been conditioned to play dumb.
In my case, all of the major women in my formative years — my mother, both grandmothers, and an eccentric wacko maiden great-aunt — were all well above the mean IQ range, and made no pretenses otherwise. Accordingly, I am not intimidated by an intelligent woman, and, in fact, the only relationships I have ever had that I would call successful have been with women who are intelligent and know it and make no effort to hide it. And I have been happily married to another such woman, an intelligent achiever, for 20+ years and counting.
Ted Moore says: Stronger . . . weaker. Alpha . . . beta. Who cares.
Look, the way it works is that in some areas I know more or have more talent than my wife. In other areas my wife knows more or is more talented. In about 80% of our lives we can’t tell who is smarter/wiser/alpha and could care less. We both married up. I don’t idolize my wife but she is the best thing that has happened to me.
Rather than worrying about who is the boss gets in the way of real leadership functions. Leadership is strongest when in accord with our nature and talent than the way someone else thinks it should be.
It is neat that life was designed so that there are uncounted millions of best wives, and just as many best husbands.
Andrew says: Most men are not intimidated by intellegent women. One of the problems I see with some women is that they believe they are being strong and intellegent when in reality they are just being rude. I see a lot of feminists trying to say being a “bitch” is a good thing, saying its male equivalent is “boss” or “tough guy”. No, the male equivalent of “bitch” is more likely “asshole”, “dick”, or “douchebag”. Men don’t like rudeness in women just as women don’t like rudeness in men.
John says: “…just as women don’t like rudeness in men.”
Unfortunately Andrew, women love rudeness in men so long as it is not directed at them. This is why so many women fall for so-called “jerks” so often that it has become a cliche.
Aside from that, you’re post is spot-on.
RA says: Only if the man is an Alfa male. If the man is a dish ragg, the woman could then be the alpha male. LOL
ALF says: I agree with most of the posts here, and think it should be a balance of strength through out the relationship. I am considered and alpha-female in many ways and some men can not be part of that relationship, and some love it and not in the “dish rag” sort of way.
But as said by Karol, I agree 100%. My parents have been married 40 years and it is a balance inside and out of the home. Each demonstrating their strengths when the other needs it or to be taken care of at that time.
Melinda P says: I totally agree with you Cassy. Women and men are programmed to work as a team. The team only works when one is the alpha and the other is the beta. For example, my washing machine is on it’s last leg. My husband has told me to start looking and pick out the one I want. That does not mean that he won’t have input into the buying of the machine, it’s just that I do the laundry around here. He and I will make a joint decision based upon the features I would like, price, etc. If I were an alpha female, I would just go out and buy the one I want. Then again, my husband could do the same thing to me with a new computer or car or anything. Instead, we will talk things over and each give our opinions on whatever it may be. I have always been taught that the man should have the final say. It’s about speaking your mind and then letting him make the decision. It’s respectful. Hope that makes sense.
Obi-Wan says: Here’s how I see it. I have with my bride now for over 11 years. When we first got together we weren’t strong, smart, or even very good at loving each other. Through the years we have learned to strengthen each other and love each other more and more. Yes, when I am home, I am the boss(sometimes), when I am deployed to Iraq, or Afghanistan(like I am right now) she is the boss. At home, we are a team, but there are times when I feel that she want’s me to take the lead on something. As we have grown in our marriage I have learned that it’s not her dumping on me, it’s her way of seeking guidence and help. Trust me, there have been many, many times over the years when she has taken the lead when I just didn’t have anything left in me. That’s how a team works. The thing that I have learned about women is this, they can be alpha, but what they really want is a man that is strong enough to take that role. You see, the woman gives that power to the man. We don’t take it. It is respect, and it is earned, not given. And when men get to that place in a woman’s heart, they must give back all the respect, affection, and love they can. It’s not who is stronger, or smarter, or is the “leader” all the time, it’s more of a team, working together, backing each other up. Plus, I am married to the toughest woman on the planet. 5 deployments in 5 years, 4 of them combat tours. She is at home with 2 kids, one of them handicaped. Don’t tell me about strong women, I can write a book on it.
harry flashman says: No “one size fits all” answers here. Each relationship will find its own level or sink under the weight. But, from a Darwinian perspective, woman was designed to be caught. It is nature of the beast. We deny those hard wired, lizard brain imperatives only because of the last 100 years of the “we are all equal” drumbeat false dichotomy. Strip away that thin veneer of our societal “sophistication” and the specie returns to those successful survival traits that got us here. Strange that the one public woman who seems to understand this is the liberal lesbian author/philosopher/Ph.D Camille Paglia.
Luke says: While we are talking Alpha and Beta characteristics in both sexes and how that characteristic manifests itself in everyday life (intelligence, behavior and demeanor, and decision making ability), I’d like to throw a wrench into the mix: Attraction.
Some of you have thrown around the word “natural” as pertaining to the natural order of things. So, what do men find naturally attractive in women? I can’t speak for everyone, but from my own experience as a guy, I generally don’t feel attracted to women who are weak minded, easily manipulated, not intelligent or who lack self esteem. I want the woman who will walk into a room full of strangers and own it like she belongs. I want the girl who would be comfortable in a social setting, a woman whose confidence flows out of her in everything she does. A woman who lets her gaze linger a few seconds when a man looks her in the eye, a woman who walks with her shoulders back and head up, a woman who considers herself inferior to no one. I’m guessing few people would describe that as “beta” behavior.
AND YET, of all the qualities in a woman that are attractive in a carnal sense, gentleness is near the top. Few men like woman who are as stated above “bitches” in a rude sense. Demeaning other people until proving that you are superior does not make you an alpha, it only confirms your inner insecurity you’ve wrapped up in a hollow shell of confidence. Strong people know when to be gentle and allow room for others in their life. This all sounds mushy and as a guy, I admit I don’t discuss it that often, but crassness and self-centered attitudes are attractive to no one (except maybe the shallow hot girls who do date the jerks, but it is likely a cry from acceptance rather than a choice overflowing with confidence). The women I am crazy attracted to are the women who have every reason to be strong, yet allow themselves to be second every now and again so that others can be more. I’m not talking about a woman dumbing herself down so that she doesn’t stand out just so the dull and insecure people next to her don’t feel intimidated. Dull insecure people (especially girls) will always feel intimidated no matter what. What I I’m talking about is Alpha mixed with humility. I’m talking about the woman who could lead by herself, a woman who could really do anything on her own, but instead lets me lead because she respects me and wants to be together-together (which is a really cliché little catchphrase that means you are physically AND emotionally together – and by emotionally I am not talking about fuzzy romantic ideals. I am talking about the cognitive thought process of “Yes, I like and enjoy this person and I will make room for them in my life, even when it is easier to be all me and less them). I am talking about a woman who realizes that everyone is different and she’s comfortable relinquishing a certain amount of control that she would normally never have to relinquish. I’m talking about a woman who has drive, ambition and genius, but is comfortable in her own mind body and soul that she doesn’t need results-oriented popularity reassurance via actions of conquest, and is emotionally free to feel great riding in the passenger seat without feeling the overwhelming urge to tell me what I am doing wrong when I am behind the wheel – both in the car, and in life.
Most people are betas, there is not arguing that. Most people want to follow. But when a woman has the strength to lead and do everything herself… for that woman, it takes more strength sometimes to submit than to lead. That said, would I rather have a strong woman in my life than one who is easy to control? YES PLEASE
@Melinda:
“I totally agree with you Cassy. Women and men are programmed to work as a team. The team only works when one is the alpha and the other is the beta.”
That’s not just women and men. That’s the fundamental nature of a stable relationship. Observe any stable (that is, >20 years without separation) relationship, whether heterosexual, male homosexual, or lesbian. There *will* be a clear alpha and beta. Commonly it’s the more stereotypically male acting of the pair, but not always. My mother, for example, is clearly the alpha in my parents’ marriage.
@John:
“Unfortunately Andrew, women love rudeness in men so long as it is not directed at them. This is why so many women fall for so-called “jerks” so often that it has become a cliche.”
Heh. It’s not precisely that simple. Women love the leader of any social group. (Aside from those who are interested in being that leader themselves, but they’re unfortunately a bit thin on the ground.) That generally correlates with being the rudest, since honesty is usually quite rude and the leader is the only one that can get away with being honest.
As someone who says exactly what he thinks with utterly no regard for possible consequences (a trait I picked up from my mother, see above) I’m quite familiar with that causing people to mistake me for an alpha male. Confuses them all to hell once they clue in that I’m actually not interested in the slightest in leading anybody.
Chris says: I’m coming up on my 25th anniversary. Both my parents and my wife’s parents have hit their 50th. From the perspective of a long marriage, in the expectation of a life-long marriage, I’ll add my two cents. My wife, who is a professional (and frankly her profession pays better than mine), still wants someone strong that she can lean on, a rock, if you will. That realization came to me a few years ago, and I was a bit surprised by it. We have always worked well together, and have always made decisions jointly. When I was younger, my testosterone probably had me strutting somewhat, especially as a young Army officer. Later, as I realized that my wife wanted, needed, someone to stand between her and some of the winds that buffet us in life, I was happy to take that role conciously, rather than by force of young and stupid. We still regard each other as equals, but I am the one standing guard at the cave entrance, as both I and my wife feel it should be.
I am convinced that the genders are wired differently, maybe as a result of our different physiology, maybe as a compliment to that difference. Give us both identical circumstances, and men will generally see it in one light, and women in another. The beauty is that, when combined, the two views make a much fuller picture. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
Mike says: I have become the man-beta in my current relationship.
At the beginning, my girlfriend has been telling me not to be.
That she needs someone who is stronger, just as you’re talking
about here.
The problem was our careers: she is more accomplished than I am in the same field,
and that had caused me to put her on a pedestal since the beginning (during which time,
she was telling me to stop that too).
Now…it is at the point where she is walking all over me. Calling me names
all the time, and occasionally physically hitting me.
I am physically larger than she is, so it is so wierd that this would be happening.
It is a perception the guy has of himself, and the perception he has of his woman:
he MUST recognize that he is stronger and larger than she is.
This article is correct: it will make less a man of you if your woman sees she can walk
all over you.
Chris says: Perhaps Tennyson said it best:
“Man for the field and woman for the hearth:
Man for the sword and for the needle she:
Man with the head and woman with the heart:
Man to command and woman to obey:
All else confusion.”
Power in relationships has always been an integral, and largely overlooked/avoided, component of relationship success.
Successful couples have always handled it in ways that worked best for them, but generally is not talked about.
It seems to me that the more clear we can be on how the authority to decide and to act in various various areas of life together, the better we do.
Alpha/beta? Generalities probably aren’t the most helpful way for a specific couple to deal with power issues. Who’s best at what? Who knows the most about what? Who enjoys dealing with what? What balance feels best? works best for the two of you? At the end of the day, that’s what gets the jobs done what holds couples together.
The oft-repeated adage “All the good ones go for jerks” (when talking about women) is not only silly but outright false and is a dictum of lesser men. Let me tell you why:
First, if the woman in question goes for jerks, why is she a good one?
Second, the probable reason why she does go for jerks is that she is likely miserable on the inside. Maybe she had a traumatic childhood, maybe she’s immature, maybe she needs therapy, etc. To her, a jerk represents what she wants to be: confident, secure, grown-up. One problem: a jerk isn’t any of these things. That’s just what she is attracted to because of warped perceptual skills.
Third, going on a generalized principle of “by the people they choose to be around shall you know them”, why in the world would a self-respecting, mature adult male want anything to do with this woman?
And fourth, chances are that this woman is suffering from a psychological condition known as ‘codependency’, in which the codependent views themselves as utterly worthless, undeserving of respect, love, or even toleration of their presence. Guess what a woman suffering from this chooses to pick out in terms of love affairs? Jerks, or worse, abusers.
That being said, relating the above to this post, I think John Hawkins is missing the point. It isn’t about ‘alpha’ and ‘beta’; it’s about choosing a woman you respect and who respects you back. ‘Alpha’ and ‘beta’ to me speak more about differentiating roles rather than saying anything profound about the nature of men and women.
So I agree with Cassy.
Looked at from a Christian perspective, there’s another aspect to the issue. A lot of needless confusion regarding alpha/beta, who’s the “leader”, etc., can be avoided if the man and woman follow Paul’s directive in Ephesians 5:21-25. Too many people focus on the word “submit” from a dom/sub, power struggle perspective, missing out on the bigger truth. It’s not an issue of power but, as some posters have noted, leadership and love. Interestingly, to me at least, the command of the wife to submit to the husband’s leadership is not nearly as difficult to follow as the the next: for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The latter means acting in the other’s best interest rather than your own. This is truly sacrificial love and cannot by definition be dominating. It requires a man of real strength and leads circularly back to the opening line (Eph 5:21 – “Submit to each other”, far too often ignored) because all-out sacrificial love yields the husband’s desires to the wife’s.
It’s not easy, but couples who work at this kind of relationship can count on a marriage lasting decades rather than years. And it only gets better with time and effort.
Andrew says: Too all decent men at there. Don’t get upset about how women “go for the jerks.” Most women who do that are just immature and not worth dating anyway. The truth is that even though men are always accused of being the one’s scared of responsibility and commitment, women are just as bad in today’s society. The popularity of “Sex and the City” and its like hasn’t helped. (I’m not saying its wrong to watch Sex and the City, I’m just saying too many women look at its characters as role models.)
I was always the guy who was accused of being the “nice guy who finished last”. I always wondered why? Too often the nice guys are accused of being unmanly but I was never that. I’ve played semi-pro football, can bench press over 400 lbs, and am more than willing to kick the ass of the “jerk” who mistreats women. The truth is that many women get scared off by men who want marriage and kids, but they will eventually mature. Be patient.
Interesting discussion. Since I assume that you and Mr. Hawkins were discussing strength of personality as opposed to physical strength, I will mostly second John’s point. Not that women need to be beta, of course. My previous girlfriends and now my wife would in no way be considered beta female. All are strong willed and capable. In my opinion, that sort of woman would not be happy with a beta male. Oh sure, there are cases where it works; nothing is universal. However, an alpha woman partnered to a beta male will probably end up despising his weakness over time. Whether or not those feelings are conscious, or even expressed, is irrelevant.
My son, a few months ago, asked at the dinner table this question: “Daddy, how did mommy get to be the boss?” After I stopped laughing, I echoed Bill Cosby’s comment: “I’ve seen the boss’ job. I don’t WANT it!” Since my wife stays at home with the children, I usually defer to her in day to day decisions; she’s the closest to them and always makes a good call. However, we always-always- discuss and agree on the big issues. Most of the time, when we disagree, I’m willing to compromise. There are a few issues on which I will not. My wife recognizes those issues and does not press me on them. Ever.
I would say that I’m the alpha while my wife is an alpha-minus. She’s definitely not a beta, but I cannot truthfully call her an straight up alpha. Call it the Big Fat Greek marriage: I’m the head of the family, while my wife is the neck. I can beat a stiff neck, but most of the time it’s okay to relieve the stress and turn in the direction that the neck wants you to go.
Larry Sheldon says: The discussion begins with a framework that does not actually exist.
People are very complex things. Living is a very complicated matter.
Two people living together is kindasorta the product (math sense–one times the other) of those two factors, squared or cubed.
In some things and at some times and in some places, one will provide the leadership (a term I like better that the “alpha-beta” business which means the same thing but which has baggage attached). When the the thing, the time, or the place changes, so might the leadership change.
Larry Sheldon says: BoyHowdy–want a discussion shutdown? Let ol’ Larry comment.
Quicker than a Godwin event.
harry flashman says: Whoa! Larry! Dood! Way to take a stand! You get that ‘tood from a Kerry-Edwards motivational DVD on Alpha male decisivness? From the “Metrosexual Guide to Algore Manly Men?” You ARE “The Decider” – hands down. ROTFLMAO!
Andrew:
I’m not satisfied with just being patient. Besides, why would I want some reformed broad who’d marry me just to satisfy a ticking biological clock?
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