Dear Abby: If I pick up my baby without first asking his permission, will he grow up to be a rapist?

As a mother and now grandmother, I’ve seen fads in parenting come and go. Do you know the one about how it is the toys we give our children that teaches “sexist” roles? But we find that if you refuse to give your girl-child dolls, she will cuddle the truck and tuck it into bed. Give your boy-child dolls, he’ll likely figure out a way to turn it into a raygun and run around the house making “zap zap zap” sounds.

However, screw with the basic Parent/Child structure and one may end up with something a lot more serious than child disappointed with their birthday gifts.

Trendy Instagram moms are pioneering a new parenting trend – asking their babies for permission before picking them up.

Enterprising new parents claim to be expanding the boundaries of consent, even though their infants can’t talk and barely understand the world around them.

They claim that picking up babies without checking in with them first is an aspect of “rape culture” – and that raising them without involuntary lifting will make sure their sons don’t become rapists in later life.

I rolled my eyes so hard I think I hurt myself.

“Your honor, members of the jury, my client here is not a rapist; he is merely a victim of a sick society where he, as a baby, was constantly picked up and carried. And his parents never asked him for permission,” said no defense lawyer ever.

Pre-verbal children are not looking for their parents to ask permission to be picked up. They are brand new to this world and their only expectations (which they will loudly share with you) is to be fed, cuddled, and have diapers changed. Outside of those three things, which we as parents will indulge in on demand, everything else is within the purview of parental authority.

And this may be a shock for some, the authorities in this relationship are … wait for it … wait for it … deep breath, now …

MOMMY & DADDY!!

(tell me you know this, right?)

Snark aside, the role of mom and dad is to civilize their child. To teach them about being a good human being and give them the tools to successfully interact with other human beings. Children thrive on structure. Childhood is apprenticeship in adulthood. You start out with the basics – how to use the toilet, soap, and toothbrush, to self-responsibility on completing chores, homework and honoring promises. During this period your child needs you as a parent, not a friend. I cannot emphasize this enough. Love your child enough to say “no” when needed and mean it.

And if you can listen to your child, in a pique of disappointment, scream at you “I hate you, I wish I never was born!” without melting into a puddle of whimpering goo, realize you have just gotten your diploma in parenthood.

This video couldn’t have arrived at a better time …