“When friends are in trouble, America helps.” —Barack Obama in reference to the Phillippine monsoon.

Unless you’re an American in Benghazi under attack by Al Qaeda and begging for any help you can get…but I digress.

Today, the One is “not happy.” He’s “concerned.” Concerned about the ”rollout,” which we can argue is more like pushing the Elephant in the Room up a long flight of stairs. For Captain Snake Oil, the fact that many are acquiring healthcare coverage for the first time makes the fact that millions will soon be uninsured worth the effort. Just ask Sal Alinsky.

Hoards, he asserted, have yet to select plans on the website. You know, the one where identity thieves lurk, competing with the NSA for nuggets of your personal info. Mr. Obama, I have gobs of wish-list items in my Amazon basket, too. Like a big screen, and a fancy new refrigerator that knows when it needs fresh groceries. They’ve been sitting in my cart for well over six months. Here’s a newsflash: Men don’t need maternity care. Nor do they need mammograms. Had you spent any time in the actual world with the rest of us serfs, you’d understand that, instead of trying to steal my hard earned money and giving it to someone else under the guise of “wealth redistribution.” Theft is theft.

And here’s the fix (you can read a comprehensive recap from my colleague here): Insurers can extend current plans…yada yada yada. Sure, since they’ve altered their entire packages to accommodate this monstrosity, surely they’ll jump right on it. Anyone find it highly disturbing that the federal government is using rhetoric with the words “allow” and “can” in it? Since when do they get to choose what I “can” and “cannot” buy? Oh, yeah, since the Democrats intentionally blew up the system in order to ride in on their white horses of Socialism and push us all into a single-payer system. Ah, but they didn’t know…it’s all a big surprise to them. Like a birthday party you found out about beforehand but are supposed to pretend you didn’t when the partygoers jump out at you and yell “Surprise!”

And apparently this is all about the individual market, or something, which asserts Captain Transparent, is not working, and thus requires a gazillion-page bill to “fix.” Never mind that every single Democrat lied to us to pass this monstrosity, never informing those of us who purchased individual policies that we’d in fact be losing them. Without that regulation, the law would fall apart. Duh. And yeah, I’m looking at you, too, Eric Cantor.

And get this: BO wants you to know that there are tax credits that might help you bring down the cost. Wait, what? The Democrats forced a law down our throats that caused many of us to lose policies we loved, and willingly paid for, and are now proposing to subsidize new plans that cost more and offer less, paid for by our taxes. Only in Washington, D.C. can something so insanely ludicrous be proposed, and worse, considered. Say hello to tax increases while we’re at it. You know, to keep those “better” healthcare policy costs “low.” Keep telling yourself that.

In the meantime: Please stop helping me!