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There is a serious ickiness alert for this post.
I’m serious. If you’re feeling queasy, skip this post.
I’m not joking. This is your last chance to miss the gross-out factor.
OK. I’m assuming all of you who are still with me are prepared for the icky journey we’re going to take into going way, way, way over the line of mother-daughter boundaries. Over at Feministing, one of the community bloggers there has taken Oprah’s advice and decided to give her daughter a vibrator when she turns fifteen.
No, I’m not joking.
The sad thing is, her daughter is apparently a few years away from fifteen, but she’s already bought the vibrator and written a letter gushing about the wonderful orgasms she will experience. (Last chance to miss the gross-out, folks.)
Darling Daughter,
You have ripened before my eyes, and I marvel at the incandescent changes. Your hormones are in overdrive, and I swear that I can hear them humming as they reshape your body and wreck havoc with your moods.
As your mother, I want your journey into womanhood to be only filed with rich discoveries and free of fear; as a woman, I know that is asking the impossible. But here is what I can offer: some advice and a very practical gift.
Sex with the right partner will be tender and fun, fast and furious, dizzying and daring. But this doesn’t happen overnight. The very important first step is self-knowledge, and that’s why this note comes attached to a vibrator. Women’s bodies are mysterious and mercurial and require unhurried exploration. I want you to fully explore your own body before you share it with someone else. Why? Because I want you to discover the wonderful point of orgasm when your mind ceases to function and the growing ripples rise and erupt into shudders that will transport you. Encode that in your memory, and take notice of how your body and thoughts gradually establish their fragile equilibrium.
Please, sweetheart, don’t settle for anything less.
When you find yourself at the mercy of inexpert fumbling (and you will), I want you to have intimate knowledge of exactly what you like and want. This will be your power. Use it gently.
I’m also giving you this gift because you are kindling, and every touch, every kiss is an incendiary spark. You will not be capable of extinguishing the desire, but a vibrator gives you a highly effective option to quench your sexual thirst. Before you engage in sex, ask yourself two questions. Do I trust this person? Does s/he make me feel good about myself?
Years ago, I was in the throes of an obsessive affair, and a very wise friend sat me down and asked me. “Would you give this man the keys and the Title to your car?” It seemed a ludicrous query. Of course I wouldn’t. I barely knew him. “And yet,” she continued, “you are willing to give him your body and your heart. Aren’t they more precious than a car?”
I have ruminated over this question many times, with many men. If I can’t exclaim “YES!” definitely and unequivocally, I slow things down. I hope you will do the same.
Too many of your friends will take huge emotional and physical risks to explore intense sexual sensations. A vibrator offers you the chance to celebrate your passion, to inject yourself with a boost of adrenaline, and build the scaffolding of your sexuality without risk or fear. Experience your own impulses and appetites first; you will have years to communicate and honor these self-truths with another.
I love you.
2009-05-31
(Emphasis in the original.)
Just… wow.
Let me just say that if my mother had done anything remotely similar to this for me when I was fifteen, I would have been humiliated and upset and probably angry.
But let’s dive into the actual letter itself. I found it incredibly disturbing and just… creepy. Take a closer look at the language:
You have ripened before my eyes?
I want you to discover the wonderful point of orgasm when your mind ceases to function and the growing ripples rise and erupt into shudders that will transport you?
You are kindling, and every touch, every kiss is an incendiary spark?
That does not sound like a letter from a mother to a daughter, it sounds like something ripped from the pages of one of those dirty romance books that sex-deprived middle-aged women love so much (the ones that Fabio is always on the cover of with no shirt on and some half-naked woman wrapped around his chest).
And what kind of mother tells her daughter that she has “ripened”? The whole wording of her letter is almost a little too excited about her daughter’s sexual growth, and her daughter is probably around, what? 12? 13? Yet her mother is practically trembling with delight at the thought of her daughter experiencing orgasm after orgasm with the vibrator that she bought her. Sorry, but that just doesn’t quite sit right with me.
The other thing nagging at me is that it doesn’t seem to me that she’s in the least concerned about how her daughter might feel about this. I don’t think it’s ever even crossed her mind that her daughter might not appreciate it. And why not? I’d guess that it’s because she isn’t actually doing this for her daughter’s sake so much as her own. She wants to be the sexy, cool mom who can talk to her daughter about sex, and is hip and savvy enough to buy her a vibrator. Doing this lets her brag to her feminist friends that she’s just so enlightened, so ahead of the curve, and hey, look how much I love my daughter, too. I could be wrong, but I’d bet that most fifteen-year-olds would be mortified at the thought of their parents saying such things to them. And even if they weren’t, who wants to go to town using a vibrator their mommy bought them? Seriously, I shudder thinking about it.
Now, look. I don’t think that parents should make sex a taboo. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to take it this far! This is the kind of thing that kids end up going through years of therapy for! But I guess on the plus side, even if it does screw up her daughter, mom gets to pat herself on the back for being so liberal and progressive and just such a good gosh darn feminist. So who cares?
I’m guessing you’re not too grossed out by this story since you posted it. Plus, the way you posted it as an invitation to check it out. “Don’t open that door. No, not that door!”
You are marketing the story.
Congratulations.
Iggiepooh says: Oprah actually suggested this??
Okay.. so i get why she is doing this.. she wants her daughter to discover and respect her own body before she shares it with another… okay.. maybe not the best way to do it.. i think the talk itself was enlightening.. (no.. not the verbage.. she needs to be age appropriate) and the vibrator of course is taking it a bit over and beyond.. but the thought was there i guess.. I know i would have been mortified and fifteen is a bit young in my opinion too.. i would be mortified at 26 if my mom knew i owned such toys.. lol..
mj says: “You have ripened before my eyes.” What kind of mother talks to her kid like that? I’m glad my mom wasn’t such a perv.
Rick says: I agree with MJ. This woman is a sicko.
And ModDem, STFU and go away.
Taylor says: If you haven’t had a change to see it, Cassie, watch The Goode Family on ABC (mondays @9). The first episode was just like this. . .the daughter’s response? Go to a purity ball.
Here’s hoping.
*T*
Rick
Settle down. If you’re not willing to make conversation or reasonable debates you can leave.
I saw an interview with Hugh Hefner once where the reporter made the surprisingly insightful comment (quoting from memory here, not exact) — “Now that Playboy has largely succeeded in separating love from sex, they are now working to separate sex from eroticism.”
True, isn’t it? First the liberals told us that we should learn to enjoy sex without getting all tied up in emotional commitments. How often have we heard absurd statements like, “You shouldn’t need a piece of paper to validate your love”, like it was the physical paper marriage license that makes a marriage? American society has fallen for that to a large degree.
So now they’re moving on to the next step: Let’s all be more open about sex and take away all the mystery and excitement, until we progress to the point where we think of it as just another bodily function, like sneezing or scratching your head. Parents and teachers should discuss the mechanics of sex with children endlessly. We should discuss sex like we’d discuss algebra in school or which drawer to keep the forks in at home.
Surely the end result of all that, if they succeed, will be that sex is completely boring.
So first they took the love out of sex in the name of making it more fun. Now they want to take away the fun in the name of … what? What’s the goal? I can’t even imagine a goal other than to destroy human happiness.
Jay
I don’t think sex will ever be boring but you are on to something, but not in a way you think. The fact is, being open about sex is a way of not being afraid of it or of teaching it of discussing it openly with those who can be most affected by it. Notably, with regards to teenagers and safe sex. If you leave sex as something to never be discussed then you may end up with unwanted pregnancies. If you teach [or talk about] it then teens will still have sex but at least they will be informed enough to use contraceptives.
That said, it would be awkward for a mother to give a daughter a vibrator. Even commentors on the Femminist site agree on that.
ModDem,
What about your first post was about discussion? It seemed pretty one-sided to me. That being said, I agree that teenagers and parents need to have dialogue about sex. Nothing anywhere near the shit in the above letter, but a real talk involving love, romance, and the basic mechanics if they haven’t figured that out playing doctor by the time they’re five. Every parent has the right to have this talk with their child before the government and public school describe it in state-sponsored terms. I would be interested to know what you think of state sex ed.
Rob Farrington says: ModDem, I agree with you on principle – that kids need to know the facts of life – it’s just that I find it hard to believe, in this age of putting condoms on bananas in the classroom, that teenagers DON’T already know the facts of life.
Is the problem really that young girls still think that they won’t get pregnant if they do it while standing up, or is it that sex has been so cheapened in many people’s minds that it’s become utterly divorced from thoughts of love, and from any considerations of self respect?
I suspect the latter, and I also suspect that attitudes like this woman’s aren’t helping. Teenagers have to put up with enough peer pressure to have sex as it is, without their mothers giving them the impression (unintentionally or not) that they see them as some kind of ‘sexual creature’ who they expect to seek sexual gratification as soon as they enter puberty.
Myself, I’d favour (sorry about the spelling; I’m a Limey!) the “I know that you already know about sex, but please make sure that when you do first have sex, that at least it’s with someone who respects and loves you” approach. And then I’d change the subject because I’d know that she’d heard the message without me having to bang on about the subject endlessly, and with her wishing that the ground would open up beneath her feet.
Then I’d hope for the best, and that if she did want to discuss sex in further detail, she wouldn’t be too embarrassed to approach me.
ModDem says: Rob
I’m in agreement with you. To be more succinct my point was that if we are open about sex it might be a good thing in the long run. Although I’m sure today kids are more advanced on the nature of sex than we were in the 1980’s. I agree the idea of a mother going this far is odd. I’m guessing she might change her mind by the time her daughter turns 15. But who knows? The ways things are going her daughter may be the one who gives her a vibrator.
Thanks for keeping it civil.
Rob Farrington says: ModDem, I’m 38 and I actually first found out the (full) facts of life from a joke that one of my fellow pupils told me when I was at school in the early 80s!
I’d better not tell it on here because this is a family blog, but I thought “Aaaah, so THAT’S what happens”!
I obviously led a very sheltered life!
There is nothing wrong with parents talking to their kids about sex because they will get informed somehow. It is best for parents to control the conversation before their kids make stupid mistakes that will have lasting consequences. However, giving a child a vibrator in a celebration of an impending orgasmic womanhood is over the top and, yes, awkward.
John says: Fast forward past all of the moral & emotional mumbo jumbo. An orgasm with a vibrator that your MOTHER gave you? Eeeewwwww!
Frank White says: It’s not any more creepy then the letter my dad wrote me about how to yank it. Also, “ripened before my eyes” sounds like something the old pedo on Family Guy would say.
I remember when I was at the age of 13/14 and things where happening to my body..
That’s when my dad gave me the bottle of hand lotion and a VCR tape I never knew he had..
(see, switch genders around it’s just as sickening)
aharris says: Sex is one of those things that every family handles differently, but this is just … Wow! I remember the time after I’d been married three or four years when I visited my folks after they took a trip to Vegas, and they broke out the porno cards they’d bought for our game of spades. I thought I’d sink through the floor when I saw the naked men! Imagine how embarrassing a vibrator and letter straight from the most sordid of romance novels would have been for me at 15.
I think you have to be open and frank about sex with your kids, both about what it is and what can happen as a result. You also have to be clear on what your hopes and expectations are concerning it. I think if you’ve laid the groundwork in your relationship with your kids well enough leading up to that point, they’ll respond and try their best to live up to what you want for them. I know I did.
I can’t imagine that I’ll be handing out any sexual aids though.
SicSemperTyrannus says: What ever happened to BEING A PARENT?
I feel like the baby on the E-Trade commercials who rented a clown – “I underestimated the creepiness.”
Firstly, I’d like to say I don’t see the problem with giving her daughter a vibrator. I think the idea behind it is fairly solid. My parents did not hide sex from me or my sister or treat it as anything to be ashamed of. In fact, my Mom gave me my first playboy at about 14 (Boy has that magazine changed…). One of my buddies got a subscription from his Mom when he was fifteen. We’ve all grown up as well-adjusted, responsible, conservative adults, with no bastards or abortions to our names. Really, people who are horrified of teenagers discovering what their goodies are for need to stop hyperventilating. If you lead them indirectly to their discoveries, you can shape how they view sex and relationships. I call that good parenting.
THAT SAID – This woman is sick. Not in the act of giving her daughter a vibrator, but the vibe she’s putting off in the process. It stinks of a latent lesbian incestual tendancy that is just damned disturbing. It reminds me of a woman in her late thirties I used to work with who was more excited to see her daughters friends than her daughter was. It just kinda made your skin crawl.
2keyboards says: I’d like to know why “discovering your body” with a loving, committed companion (hopefully a husband) would be considered bad? I talk with my 16 year old all the time about sex. I let her know that it feels good for a reason, but that it has a specific time and place. Since she’s my oldest, she’s also seen me go through pregnancy and birth. She’s willing to wait for sex, because she’s willing to wait for the consequences of it; ie-children and the emotions that come from it. So this girl fumbles the first few times she and her husband have sex. It just makes it better as the trust and deeper intimacy come to play later on.
Arium says: “This is the kind of thing that kids end up going through years of therapy for!”
Here is a more sure-fire way of driving children into therapy: Tell them that they will go to Hell for masturbating!
Keep in mind that this concept of attempting to shelter children from all things sexual is a recent cultural invention. Modern luxuries such as shelters with multiple rooms affording parents privacy for sex haven’t been around long. What do you think happened before that? Since we no longer educate our children about sex by demonstration, other methods are needed.
For parents who can’t get over the ick factor from the above letter, how about some age-appropriate sex education instead: http://midwestteensexshow.com/2007/06/06/mtss-episode-1-masturbation-female/
Cylar says: Keep in mind that this concept of attempting to shelter children from all things sexual is a recent cultural invention.
It’s been a key facet of Western Civilization for hundreds of years. What the hell are you talking about?
It has only been in the last three generations that that has changed.
What do you think happened before that? Since we no longer educate our children about sex by demonstration, other methods are needed.
When were “we” doing that? The victorian era? Shyeah. Right.
Idiot.
Arium says: Wow, Cylar, I guess I really went over your head.
I wasn’t talking in terms of Western Civilization. My reference was to all of human history. Not hundreds of years, but hundreds of thousands of years.
In evolutionary terms humans haven’t changed much since the species emerged 200,000 years ago. Our children are just as resilient as our prehistoric ancestors’ children.
Have I encountered a Young-Earth Creationist?
Even 1000 years ago parents couldn’t save sex for when their children were off at school, because there was no school.
rhianna says: im fourteen nd my mum gave me the talk from when i was five or six nd she is still telling me about it, if my mum got me a vibrator i would b happy im tryin to get her to giv me one now but dnt kno how she’ll take it. how your child will take it will be determined on how you have taught your child about sex. i want to experience it but do not want to be with a boy who doesnt care about me. or a boy period i dont like them lol.
eMuse says: Oh. My. Gosh. This has got to be one of the most insanely, nastily, creepily awkward things I could possibly imagine.
A lot of the comments on here are astoundingly tepid. “Er, ahem, yes, we should educate our children so that they make the correct decisions when they are older, I suppose a mother giving her daughter a vibrator is a bit too much, quite awkward really, by the way, did you hear it’s going to rain?” PEOPLE, ARE YOU EVEN READING THE ARTICLE?! Is there some sort of world-wide gas leak that’s making you all half asleep and keeping you from responding to how INCREDIBLY RIDICULOUS THIS IS???
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