Dear Walmart,

While innocently shopping in your store to purchase the blue and white state flag of South Carolina with a palmetto tree and crescent moon that looks slightly, romantically, Islamic (and not that odious Confederate flag), my eyes were severely offended by several products in your aisles. This is a courteous, but firm!, request to please remove these items as soon as possible. In case you are confused by this correspondence, I’ve provided the appropriate politically correct approved statement you may use in issuing the press release about their removal.

“We realize this is extremely offense to turkeys. They have faced horrendous discriminatory practices every year, particularly around November, since the founding of this nation. We no longer wish to perpetuate violence toward our fellow earth dwellers. With the removal of this insensitive item, we hope PETA will agree not to encourage boycotts or naked protests.”

“This clearly advances white supremacy, and that is not who we are. It will be removed from shelves on July 5.”

“We see how our Asian customers would feel degraded by this flippant graphic tee displayed improperly with other non-food items. We are moving this to a more appropriate location in the store. It can now be found next to the teriyaki sauce and egg noodles.”

“Since this revives painful memories of our nation’s imperialistic past, we are donating all remaining stock to Code Pink who will use it in their next public demonstration at the White House. The garments will be laid on the sidewalk and tourists will be invited to stomp them into the ground to show our complete and utter rejection of history.”

“Now that our indifference has been brought to light with the two preceding products, we see a clear and callous pattern of degradation of all things Oriental in our inventory. We are donating the proceeds of the sales of these shirts to the family of Bruce Lee whose untimely death was due to the rampant exploitation of Asians in the film industry.”

“We denounce any white appropriation of black culture. We have discontinued all orders of Mr. Rogers paraphernalia.”

“It should go without saying in this day and age where the shameful Supreme Court opinion of Citizens United is the law of the land, that we will take every opportunity to exhibit self-loathing. We hereby decline to sell items that include corporate logos.”

“We were unaware of the pervasive homophobia of this reality star’s family. We hope you will be Happy Happy Happy that the sale of these shirts will be limited to our stores in West Monroe, Louisiana, where Duck Dynasty is headquartered. It is reported that no homosexuals live in the mostly rural county so the risk of further offense is very low.”

“This product exhibits our historical blindness to white privilege. We cannot justify cherishing this American icon who, while he was arrested seven times, was always released from jail the next day-which is in contrast to the outlaw image he cultivated for his own profit. He never experienced the police brutality that surely would have happened if he were not a white okie.”

“This digital representation of Chicano folk heroes is another manifestation of our heretofore unknown hidden prejudices toward undocumented immigrants. Since this product clearly appeals to children, who everyone knows see no color, these will only be sold in children’s sizes from now on.”

“The Hulk presents a subliminal message that mocks the Green lifestyle. Anger and environmental consciousness simply don’t mix. We are sending these back to the manufacturer for recycling into our St. Paddy’s day graphic tees that will include leprechauns drinking beer from shamrock shaped mugs. The words, “Do you feel lucky?” will be on the back.”

“We feel ashamed for selling pornography. The Minions are clearly phallic. We should have known it when we saw it.”

Well I think that’s it for now! Thank you for taking these requests into consideration. Not to be pushy, but if I don’t see any action taken on these items very soon, I shall be forced to go the local news station with this damning indictment of your blatant market manipulation of your undereducated minimum wage earning customers, who through no fault of their own are incapable of making informed purchasing decisions. I am sure you will want to avoid any potential humiliation.

I feel excited for our anticipated partnership in making the world a better place!

Progressively yours,

Citizen Rainbow

P.S. How could I forget?! Now, this is just a friendly heads-up. You may want ramp up orders of this one, and even think about altering the wording to change “wife” to partner for broader appeal. The Supreme Court just blew your customer base through the roof! You’re welcome!