Ten Most Heinous Christmas Songs Ever

Ten Most Heinous Christmas Songs Ever

Ten Most Heinous Christmas Songs Ever

In a few days, the pain will stop. The pain, that is, of awful and most heinous Christmas songs. I already know that I am going to Hell. Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said that I was going to Hell because I didn’t support Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. My friends and I are renting a party bus.

We won’t be listening to Christmas Songs on the bus. They are headache inducing.

Self-explanatory

I hereby propose that the following Christmas songs have achieved a level of heinousness that would cause my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to shove a dreidel directly in his brain. Jesus probably doesn’t mind the “Dreidel Song”, he is gonna get Adam Sandler for the “Hanukkah Song”, for sure. Sorry, I got off track there. Jesus celebrated Hanukkah and, my mind wandered away.

Here they are. The most heinous Christmas songs ever. I’ve provided links in case you are a masochist.

1. “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” – This one’s a gimme. Even my toothless Appalachian Relations hate this song, it’s so heinous.

2. “Someday at Christmas” by Stevie Wonder – Political Christmas songs hurt the Baby Jesus’s heart. F’realz. The song actually has nothing to do with Christmas, except it’s in the title. This song is heinously Progressive. Ugh.

3. “Do They Know Christmas” by Band Aid – This song is heinous on multiple levels. Do-gooder celebs milking emotions write a song about Africa and know nothing about Africa. I hear this song and want to scream, “There will be snow in parts of Africa this Christmas, you bottom feeding half-wits”. You could write a song with the lyrics, “There won’t be snow in Miami this Christmas” and be equally heinous. And, see above, political Christmas songs hurt the Baby Jesus’s heart.

4. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey – Actually, I hate everything by Mariah Scary. Oooo, baby, I sure do. Mariah Carey doesn’t sing. Mariah Carey yells and screeches. This song is very popular. I hate it. It’s heinous and must never be played again.

5. “The Christmas Song” made popular by Nat King Cole – You know, “Chestnuts roasting on a open fire.” Yes, I hate that one. This song could cause you to go into a sugar coma. If this song comes on, get the insulin pump ready.

6. “Mary, Did You Know?” – written by Mark Lowry and sung by anyone. Mary knew. It’s in the Bible. When people in the Bible weren’t begetting, they were prophesying. Mary knew, Joseph knew, cousin Elizabeth knew. They all knew. There is an even more special place in Hell for Pentatonix and their version. If God doesn’t hate me too much, he won’t put Pentatonix near me in our special places in Hell.

7. “Happy Xmas/War is Over” by John Lennon – as stated above political Christmas songs hurt the Baby Jesus’s heart. This one gave him colic too.

8. “Santa Clause Is Coming to Town” by Bruce Springsteen – I am not a Springsteen fan. He always sounds constipated to me. He just didn’t need to do this. And, Sirius XM should never play it again.

9. “Away in a Manger” by anyone – I included the John Denver version here, but they are all heinous. Listen to the song and tell me that you don’t want to run screaming from the room.

and finally, the one I hate the most:

10. “The Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth” by Bing Crosby and David Bowie – You have no idea how much I hate hating this heinous song. Could there be two better voices blending together than Bing Crosby and David Bowie? The answer is No. I don’t care for “The Little Drummer Boy” all by its lonesome. When the song is combined with “Peace on Earth”, it could induce serious mental conditions. Baby Jesus’s heart is hurt and he hates fascists. Look at the words:

Every child must be made aware
Every child must be made to care
Care enough for his fellow man
To give all the love that he can

“Must be made.” Oh, I don’t think so. This song is heinous.

There are many, many more heinous Christmas songs. These are the worst offenders. They cause a headache every time they are played.

Merry Christmas. Just don’t sing it to me.

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23 Comments
  • Dana says:

    Adeste Fideles. We good Catholics learn it in Latin. 🙂

  • SJ says:

    For me, it’s Jingle Bell Rock. It shoves the Christmas spirit right out of my soul.

  • Nicki says:

    Twelve Days of Christmas. It’s like Row Row Your Boat hell with incomprehensible gifts no one would want. If someone gave me a partridge in a pear tree, I’d shove it up their ass. It’s also a cacophonous mess.

  • cdajoe says:

    How did “Fairy Tale of New York ” not make this list . It is heavily promoted as a Christmas song here in Ireland ( An entire show on the National Broadcaster tonight about the history of the Song ) And of course nothing puts you in the mind to celebrate the birth of Christ like the line ” youre an old slut on junck”.

  • George V says:

    Feliz Navidad. It is so repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive repetitive

    Any song sung by a child or adult with a “chalk on a blackboard” voice such as “I want a hippopotamus….”

  • Ralph Moulton says:

    My all time least favorite is “Santa Baby”.

  • GWB says:

    Well, I know who NOT to come to for music commentary.
    :p

    What a bunch of Scrooges.

  • Rikki Doxx says:

    I’m with that “Little Drummer Boy” especially sung by Johnny Cash. I go screaming from the room when that goes off on the radio.

  • Obi says:

    I agree w/ all except #1 & 5. Those I actually like. But I would add “White Christmas” and the barking dogs version of “Jingle Bells” to that list.

  • Vanguard says:

    Dont forget “So this is christmas” and “Simply having a wonderful christmas time”. I don’t know their proper names but theyre disgusting and should never see the light of day outside a museum. Both songs encapsulate the counter-culture of the 60s (no matter when they were produced) in BS “christmas” songs that obviously were written just to gather royalty checks.

    I also agree with Ralph about Santa Baby. Horrid.

  • GTB says:

    Wow….a lot of people are going to get coal in their stockings…

    1. The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole, I would say that you are racists, but seriously???
    2. Band Aid—great song—great classic!
    3. Mariah Carey??? You guys wish you could have her voice!!
    4. Bing and David??? How can you find any fault with this?
    5. Fairytale of New York??? Great bar Xmas song…this song came on in this one bar, and everyone started to sing it!
    6. I will give John Lennon–pompous jerk
    7. Lastly, any version of “Merry Christmas Everybody” that isn’t sung by Slade—that’s the worst.

    So here at the top

    1. Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade
    2. O Holy Night (josh groban/Mariah versions especially)
    3. Fairytale of New York-The Pogues
    4. The Season’ Upon Us-Dropkick Murphey’s
    5. The Ave Maria–female versions only
    6. Handel’s Messiah (granted its 5 hours long, but its a sign that God loves us)
    7. Snoopy vs. the Red Baron Christmas
    8. Christmas Wrappings by the Waitresses
    9. Give a little love-Supertramp
    10. Last Christmas Taylor Swift version
    11. The Little Drummer Boy-Bing and Dave
    12. The Christmas Song—its the Velvet Fog for God Sake!

  • GTB says:

    13. Silent Night by Stevie Nicks

  • GTB says:

    14. Christmas is all around by Billy Mack

  • GTB says:

    The next thing you guys are to tell me that is that Die Hard is the worst Xmas ever!

  • Toni Williams says:

    GTB
    I love Mel Torme. I just feel like The Christmas Song is too treacly. Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever!

    TW

  • John says:

    I like Christmas music, though not as an exclusive diet, but the CTMPTSOCMWBCBPIR24/7 (Conspiracy To Make People Thoroughly Sick Of Christmas Music Well Before Christmas By Playing It Relentlessly 24/7) seems to start earlier every year, and Sturgeon’s Law (90% of everything is organically produced fertilizer) applies to Christmas music also.

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